


in these trying times

by loverosie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Love Rosie (2014) Fusion, Bellamy Blake/Echo - Freeform, Bellamy Blake/Gina Martin - Freeform, Childhood Best Friends to Lovers, Clarke Griffin/Finn Collins - Freeform, Clarke Griffin/Lexa - Freeform, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Inspired by Love Rosie, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Yearning, also octavia is a bitch but that'll show up later on, like really really slow burn, so much yearning, there is no surprise pregnancy only clarke can have kids with bellamy, theyre in love but theyre stupid and take forever to finally get together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:00:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 56,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loverosie/pseuds/loverosie
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke have always been sure they would end up together, but they didn't know how long it'd take for it to happen.Or the 20+ years it takes for Bellamy and Clarke to finally get their shit together.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 40
Kudos: 45





	1. the story of us

**Author's Note:**

> hellooooo i never write fic then all of a sudden i was sitting down watching love, rosie for the 1838384th time and wondered why the hell there is no bellarke fic based off of this damn movie. so obviously since im user loverosie i had to write it myself. i don't know how i ended up with 27k words and there is more to come! 
> 
> thank you emily (the love of my life my valentine) meha rolly and shan (who doesn't care about bellarke anymore) for helping me :D 
> 
> this fic is going to be a big one because just like alex and rosie, the slow burn is RIDICULOUS

_i think you should live with me_

_and we can be pirates_

_then you won’t have to cry_

_or hide in the closet_

_and just like a folk song_

_our love will be passed on_

_\- seven, taylor swift_

* * *

Predictably, what truly started this mess, what finally made the unspoken thing between them louder than ever, was the kiss.

She was with someone, and he was too. But the people they were dating didn’t exist to them then, it was only Bellamy and Clarke and the moonlight shining through the window, making the ribbon in her hair look white.

He had turned seventeen that day. Bellamy’s birthday was just at the start of the school year so he always seemed to be older than his grade typically would be.

Bellamy didn’t know what led up to it. Out of the events that possibly could have ended up with their lips being pressed to each other’s, he wasn’t sure what was the catalyst.

The second they pulled away from each other, they realized what they had done. They were both silently aware that this was bound to happen for nearly a decade, even though they didn’t say it aloud.

They knew it was going to ruin everything, one way or another, but they didn’t know how long it would take for everything to come back together.

* * *

The first time he saw her, there was a shiny new blue ribbon in her hair and his worn-out shoes were a little snug on his feet.

Octavia was gripping his hand a bit too tightly, but he appreciated the gesture deeply because it was the only thing keeping him grounded. She was nearly tucked behind his body, uncomfortable with their new environment just like Bellamy was. Everything around them didn’t seem real, too perfect and clean, and this was not what they were used to. 

Bellamy assumed the Griffin family wasn’t used to seeing children like him and Octavia, especially the blonde girl in front of him.

They were standing on separate lawns, the homes of the Griffins and Kane being right next to each other. Bellamy suddenly had the urge to scratch his skin, feeling out of place on this block. It felt like the new neighborhood was rejecting him.

“Marcus, are these the Blake siblings you told me about?” The man asked with a gentle tone, not looking at Kane as he spoke, looking at Bellamy and Octavia instead. Octavia tightened her grip, and Bellamy tried not to wince. He mumbled something softly into his sister’s ear to alleviate her nerves even though the words were doing nothing for him either.

“Yeah, they are.” Kane said proudly as if he knew Bellamy and Octavia well enough. Bellamy was grateful that Kane took them in, but he was still suspicious of his motives. He always had been of the men he met in the past, so he didn’t trust Kane. He could be just like the others. 

“This is Bellamy and Octavia.” Kane put his hand on Bellamy’s shoulder, and he stopped himself from flinching. “Bellamy and Octavia, this is Jake and Abby Griffin and their daughter, Clarke.”

Bellamy diverted his gaze from the ground to finally look at the family in front of him, fully take them in. He thought they looked kind enough, especially the father. The mother smiled politely, but her eyes betrayed her skepticism.

The daughter, Clarke, stared at him and Octavia with wide eyes. Bellamy was sure she was judging them, with their too-tight clothes and uneven haircuts. But then she surprised him, stepping forward from her family’s lawn to reach her hand out for him to shake.

“Nice to meet you.” She smiled widely, one of her baby teeth missing, and the blue ribbon in her hair shining in the brightness of the sun. “I’m Clarke.”

He ignored her hand, only nodding in response and mumbling his name under his breath as an introduction. Clarke furrowed her eyebrows, her smile turning in a frown, surely not used to this sort of rejection in her life, but Octavia let go of his hand to grab Clarke’s instead.

“I’m Octavia!” Octavia’s shyness had been vanquished by the sincerity of Clarke’s introduction, and she shook Clarke’s hand enthusiastically. Clarke brushing aside Bellamy’s rejection of shaking her hand, Clarke looked down at the younger girl and smiled once again, but smaller this time. 

“Hi, Octavia.” Clarke let go of Octavia’s hand but continued to talk to her as Octavia continued to engage with her in conversation. Bellamy looked up at Kane for a quick second, and Kane looked down at him incredulously but quickly hid it with a soft smile. 

He disappointed him already, he knew this.

“C’mon, Bellamy, want me to show you around the house?” Jake offered, walking towards the entrance of his house and turning back to allow Bellamy to walk in before him. Bellamy had the strong desire to decline, reluctant to leave Octavia alone. He turned to look at her, but he saw that Octavia was suddenly talking to Abby, and they were already walking towards the entrance of the house. 

He was surprised, expecting to see Octavia with the new friend she just made. Instead, Clarke was looking at Bellamy with a look on her face he couldn’t decipher, her mouth slightly opened like she was going to say something. She decided against it though, quickly shutting it and walking in front of him to enter the house, trying to catch up with Octavia and Abby.

Bellamy turned to Kane who just shrugged and grinned at him.

“Let’s go hang out with your new neighbors, yeah?” He waited for Bellamy to walk ahead of him which he did silently, not wanting to argue with him.

“Don’t worry, Bellamy. You’ll be okay here.” Kane said before they entered the house, looking down at Bellamy with a tender look in his eyes. Bellamy swallowed the lump in his throat but chose to ignore it.

He knew this wasn’t going to work out, but he learned how to keep his mouth shut after everything he had witnessed in the ten years of his life. So instead he nodded and offered Kane a weak smile before entering the Griffin house.

Bellamy stood inside the entryway awkwardly, unsure what to do with his body since Octavia was still talking to Abby, and now also with Jake. He snuck a glance at Clarke, oblivious and playing with the ends of her long blonde hair. 

Feeling his gaze on her, she turned to meet it. Bellamy quickly looked down back at the floor.

“You can sit down, Bellamy. You don’t need to stand there.” Abby said. Bellamy blushed and headed to sit on one of the couches. Everything looked so expensive, he felt like he was going to break something.

Clarke was sitting on the other side of the couch, and he felt extremely awkward. There was an uncomfortable silence between them, and he was sure Clarke felt it too because moments later she slid off of the couch to make her way to where her parents, Kane, and Octavia were speaking. Her soft blue ribbon bounced with every step, and Bellamy couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

Strangely, he had the strongest urge to follow her.

Bellamy rose from the couch and approached them, already certain he would not engage in their conversation.

Octavia reached for him to sit next to her which he gladly did, and he tried to ignore everybody’s smiles on their faces, and Kane’s touch on his shoulder to show how proud he was of him for trying.

He wanted to try, he did, but he knew no matter what, he would never fit here. Octavia could, and he would stay for her benefit. But Bellamy Blake didn’t deserve this life, this rich and new life that had perfect green lawns and kind next-door neighbors with a daughter who wore a bright blue ribbon in her hair.

He never would.

\-- 

From then on, the Griffins became a constant in his life. It wasn’t of his free will, it just happened. Kane would invite the Griffins over, or he’d drag Bellamy over to the Griffins’. 

Bellamy only spoke when spoken to, or when talking quietly with Octavia. He didn’t care to speak to Clarke. He found her annoying.

She talked with the confidence of someone who was certain of her correctness and would wrinkle her nose whenever something seemed odd in her eyes but would be normal to him and Octavia. Bellamy always felt a little sick when she did that, reminded of how worlds apart he and Clarke would be, and it made him dislike her even more.

Not only that, Clarke never really saw reason either. She was eight years old, two years younger than him, and managed to have an opinion on everything already. Whenever somebody disagreed with her, she refused to concede. Bellamy had begun to feel like she just talked to hear the sound of her own voice.

Everybody around him found her stubborn nature endearing. He found it irritating.

Bellamy hadn’t voiced these thoughts to anyone because the last thing he wanted to do was start trouble. Especially since Octavia now felt at home here, and she had stopped crying for their mother at night. The ease of her transition didn’t stop him from worrying though. This was temporary. One mistake and Kane would decide he and Octavia weren’t worth it. He could give them up, just like that. Bellamy knew to stay quiet and stop himself from pushing back. 

Clarke did not live her life passively.

Clarke’s best and only friend Wells and his father were often over at Kane’s house. Thelonious Jaha was the mayor of Arkadia, Bellamy soon learned, and Bellamy was even more anxious to talk around such a powerful man. He didn’t want to ruin the happiness Octavia had found in Kane’s big, warm house. He would stay quiet.

Wells and Clarke were arguing today, Octavia chiming in occasionally, six years old and wanting to feel included. Bellamy stayed out of it, but he enjoyed watching them banter, despite his misgivings towards Clarke.

“Wells, I don’t want to marry you. Why do I have to?” Clarke whined. Across the room, the adults shook their heads, laughing as they were listening to Clarke and Wells argue over whether or not they get fake married because of how they were dressed up as prince and princess. Bellamy was reluctantly dressed up as the king, and Octavia was dressed up as a made-up witch-fairy character, unable to decide on which she liked better.

“You’re the princess, and I’m the prince, Clarke. It makes sense.” Wells responded, adjusting the fake crown on his head.

“I don’t want to though! A princess doesn’t need a prince, you know.” Clarke replied haughtily, her blue princess dress just a shade lighter than her favorite ribbon.

Octavia nodded vigorously, agreeing with Clarke. Octavia didn’t like princess movies anyways.

“See, even Octavia agrees with me.” Clarke whined again, Wells and the adults laughed. Bellamy sulked and scratched his neck because the costume he was wearing made him itch.

“You don’t need to marry Wells if you don’t want to, honey. Why don’t you marry Bellamy instead?” Jake asked from his position on the couch, making all the kids look at him. Wells and Octavia smiled widely, thinking it was a brilliant idea. 

Bellamy blanched. Next to him, Clarke made a disgusted face.

“Why would I marry Bellamy? That is so gross.” Clarke made a convincing retching noise, like the thought had actually made her ill. Octavia giggled, while Jake scolded her for being so rude.

“Maybe, I don’t want to marry you either, princess. Have you thought about that?” He rebuked defensively, startling everyone in the room. Bellamy always spoke with practiced neutrality. This was the first time he had ever raised his voice around them. Bellamy deflated, his ears turning pink, knowing he made a mistake.

“I didn’t mean it that way…” Clarke responded, her voice drifting off, and a hurt look on her face. He suddenly couldn’t stand being there anymore, in the itchy costume, and in a room full of people he couldn’t be around right then because he didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin.

“It’s whatever. I don’t care, I’m going back to my room.” Bellamy angrily took off his crown, throwing it on the ground and it landed next to Jake’s feet. Jake looked down at it before looking back at Bellamy, a sympathetic expression flashing on his face.

Another thing he hated: sympathy.

Bellamy stomped up the stairs, ignoring Kane and Octavia’s concerned calls after him, instead slamming his bedroom door closed. He knew he would have to face the repercussions of that later, but Bellamy didn’t care. He felt suffocated being here, and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In rare moments like these, he missed his mother.

Bellamy slid down his closed door, covering his eyes, feeling ashamed of the tears running down his cheeks.

He hated this. Hated living here. Hated _her_ , and the disgusted look on her face at the idea of possibly being fake married to someone like him.

Bellamy hated everything, and he hated himself.

\--

Kane was a good person.

He always made their food himself, never ordering take out except on the nights Octavia demanded pizza. He got up early in the morning to prepare them breakfast and wanted them to always eat together, as a family should.

Octavia was happy with this new change, seemingly forgetting how their lives used to be. Bellamy hadn’t forgotten it though, his brain memory burned with the image of empty beer bottles on the floor and his mom passed out on the couch. Octavia’s stomach would growl and he would scrape together whatever was in the fridge for his sister while ignoring the hunger gnawing at his own stomach.

Octavia may have forgotten, but he hadn’t.

Bellamy would still eat the food Kane provided him, but he never finished his plates. Kane had to have noticed it by now, but he was too used to barely eating already, always trying to save some extra food for his sister. Kane never pushed him to eat more, but he always gave him the same amount of food he gave to Octavia, leaving the option for him to eat more still there on the table. 

Bellamy was thankful for Kane’s generosity, but he still wasn’t used to it. 

Kane bought them new clothes, and new shoes to wear. He bought Bellamy one pair, maybe to possibly ease him into the new home, while he bought Octavia ten pairs. Octavia wore them all excitedly, even deciding that she should change her outfits every few hours like they always did in the movies.\

It was nice to see Kane spoil Octavia since she never was given the opportunity to live indulgently, but it made him feel a bit rotten. He wished he was able to do that for her as well.

Bellamy started wearing the new clothes, but only reluctantly. Not the shoes though. They were so nice, and he worried he might crease the shiny sneakers, or wreck them in some other way.

“You should wear your new shoes, Bell.” Octavia said to him one morning, her mouth full of chewed up pancakes. Kane didn’t say anything, but he looked at Bellamy with a small smile, patient as always.

“I will one day, O.” Bellamy said in response, chastising her for eating her with her mouth open. Octavia only stuck her tongue out and opened her mouth again to show him the food in her mouth.

Bellamy fake gagged, which earned him a giggle from Octavia, and a chuckle from Kane.

Laughter was new too. They always had to be silent in their home when his mom and the men came around.

He was never going to get used to this, but he hoped he would never lose it.

\--

Out of all the new changes in his life, his new public school was the most difficult one of all.

Bellamy was a new kid that joined in fifth grade, when everyone already had their established cliques. He was finding it hard to make friends. That part he didn’t mind much, but he hated hearing other kids talk in hushed whispers about him and his sister.

They were just being kids, repeating the things that their parents had said at home. Which made it worse in his eyes though because that meant their parents were talking about him and Octavia to their children. Octavia was too oblivious to realize they were being talked about, so maybe it didn’t matter.

The Blake siblings were grades apart so he planned to spend lunch and recess alone. He couldn’t tell if the time apart was a blessing in disguise or not. He could finally have some quiet moments with his thoughts, but he also couldn’t be certain that Octavia was okay.

Thinking it over, it was not a blessing in disguise. Bellamy wished he could see his sister.

Having to introduce himself to his new class was a nightmare on top of it, and some students tried to talk to him, but he didn’t respond to them. The teacher was being patient, but he didn’t enjoy this. He wanted to see his sister.

It was lunchtime when he saw _her_ again, not Octavia, but Clarke Griffin.

Bellamy was sitting on a bench, his unopened lunch box right next to him. He was too busy worrying about the possible situations Octavia may have been with her new classmates when Clarke stepped right in front of him. His eyes were on the ground, but then he saw a shadow pass in front of him, and suddenly he was looking at the blue bows on her pristine white shoes.

“Why aren’t you eating?” She asked, a lunchbox in her hand. Bellamy looked up at her, and her hair was pulled back in her usual style, tied with her ribbon.

“Why aren’t you?” He refuted, pointing out how her lunchbox hadn’t been opened either.

“I was looking for a place to sit.” Clarke responded, rocking back on her heels. 

“Why don’t you sit with your friends instead?” Bellamy groaned internally, not wanting to deal with Clarke and her irritating pretentious ways at the moment. Clarke didn’t seem to take the hint, resolutely sitting down beside him.

She opened her lunchbox, and Bellamy glanced over, seeing how it was a perfect homemade lunch made by one of her parents. A feeling of resentment flared in his chest, even though he knew it was irrational since Kane prepared a lunch for him too. Old habits die hard.

“I didn’t feel like sitting with them.” She said, even though they both knew she didn’t hang out with people. She only had Wells and Octavia. Clarke didn’t have Bellamy, and he knew she was aware of it, so he didn’t understand why she was sitting next to him.

“So you decided to sit with me?” Bellamy asked her, his hands at his side twitching.

“Yep.” She was so annoying, he wanted to scream out of frustration. He didn’t care that she was two years younger than him, she didn’t know how to shut up and he wanted to be alone.

They sat in tense silence for the next couple of minutes, her nibbling at her sandwich and sipping on juice while he stared at nothing, his untouched lunchbox the only thing between them.

It was nearly the end of lunch before she spoke again. “Why don’t you wear the shoes Mr. Kane gave you?” Clarke asked him, sucking on the straw to get the remaining drink inside the juice pouch.

Bellamy was taken aback, not expecting that sort of question. Clarke didn’t know how to leave things alone which drove him crazy.

“Why are you asking?” He deflected, not wanting to go into a discussion about how he was used to being poor to a rich little girl. He didn’t want to deal with this right now, especially not on his first day of fifth grade at a whole new school. Bellamy just wanted to see Octavia and return to Kane’s house. He was exhausted, having to interact with so many people his age after so long of it just being him and his sister.

Clarke shrugged. “Octavia wears her new shoes. They’re pretty and green and nice, yours aren’t.” She said bluntly, bouncing off the bench, unaware of the way her long hair whipped against his face. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Bellamy was annoyed, not even wanting to argue with her about this because it wasn’t worth it.

“Goodbye, Bellamy. I’ll see you and Octavia later.” She walked off without another word, but just before she passed through the doors, she turned back and waved at him. Surprised, he held his hand up to wave back without even thinking about it. Clarke smiled widely, not expecting him to return the wave, then turned back around and took off towards her class.

He hadn’t seen her smile at him like that in a while, not since they first met. Weirdly enough, Bellamy realized he liked her smile. He shook his head at that thought, not wanting to think it again. He had to return to class anyway.

\--

As the next few weeks flew by, Clarke became a constant presence next to him during lunch and recess just like her family was outside of school. She was a bit of a nuisance. Bellamy found it annoying, but a small part of him was grateful. A very small part.

One of them would always be sitting at the same bench, and the other would show up and just sit next to them quietly. At first, it made Bellamy uncomfortable, now he couldn’t imagine having lunch without Clarke, even though he never ate his lunches. Kane still wasn’t aware he hadn’t been eating his food, he would either just give his food to Octavia or hand it to anyone who asked for it in his class. He was used to barely eating anyways.

Clarke hadn’t pushed him about eating and his shoes since the first day, but he knew that she cared. She would eye his lunchbox for a while, and shook her head every time he offered her to open it so she could grab something. Occasionally, Clarke would offer him her food even though he declined every time. She would only nod in response, but her eyebrows would be furrowed and her lips would be shaped in a frown. 

It didn’t matter to him though, it wasn’t her business.

They would usually sit next to each other in silence, or Clarke would just be talking the whole time, either about her, her day, or her family, or her friend Wells. She would talk on and on, and Bellamy wouldn’t respond. That didn’t impede her from speaking though. She loved talking.

Bellamy’s birthday landed during the second month of school, making him older than the majority of the people in his grade. 

On his 11th birthday, he woke up to Octavia bouncing on his bed and Kane made him a complete breakfast. It had pancakes, french toast, and more. Bellamy didn’t know how to react to it, not used to having anything big on his birthday since his mom tended to forget about it. Octavia never did though.

Bellamy did eat the full breakfast this time around, but it was only because Octavia kept on pestering him about it and he didn’t want to disappoint Kane. He was pretty sure he gained 6 pounds from this breakfast alone.

“We’ll have cake later tonight.” Kane announced. Bellamy’s stomach dreaded it, while Octavia cheered.

He never really enjoyed his birthdays.

The worst part was how everybody wore birthday hats in class, and they all sang to him. He appreciated the gesture, but he wasn’t used to all this commotion. Everything was overwhelming, and he didn’t like it. Bellamy responded thank you to everybody, and even let some of his classmates hug him. It didn’t mean he enjoyed it though. This was too much for him, and he felt like he was suffocated by it.

“Here’s your cupcake, Bellamy.” His teacher handed him a red velvet cupcake, a kind smile on her face. He accepted the cupcake, but he didn’t touch it throughout the whole class. His classmates questioned him on why he wasn’t eating it, and he would respond with that he was saving it for later. The classmates either thought he was weird or thought that answer was good enough. Bellamy was sure they didn’t care anyway since they received free dessert regardless.

He felt relieved by the time it was lunch, now having the opportunity to be alone, and for some reason, he was excited to see Clarke too. Bellamy didn’t pick up his cupcake and left it in the classroom, ignoring his teacher calling after him. He didn’t really care about it. 

He was sure Clarke didn’t know it was his birthday because she hadn’t been by Kane’s place lately. Octavia didn’t know why, and Kane wouldn’t say anything, but apparently, some issues were going on in Clarke’s family. He hoped she was okay.

He was at their bench before her this time, ignoring the disappointment he felt at not seeing her first. She didn’t know it was his birthday, but he sort of wished she did even though he didn’t really enjoy his birthdays.

A few minutes passed by and Clarke hadn’t shown up yet. He was starting to get worried, thinking something may have happened to her. Or maybe she was tired of him and didn’t want to deal with him any longer because of how Bellamy never really talked to her, and he made it clear from the start he disliked her. He should be glad she wasn’t showing up, he didn’t even like her. He should be rejoicing, but instead he felt sad she wasn’t there. 

“Happy birthday.” She stood right in front of him, her voice interrupting him from his thoughts. Bellamy looked up at her, shocked. The blue ribbon was in her hair again, the past few weeks she hadn’t worn it, and he was pleased to see it again. He had missed it.

“How’d you know it was my birthday?” He asked, feeling sort of in awe of her. He didn’t know why he was surprised she knew. Somehow she knew everything.

“Octavia told me it was.” Clarke’s hands were behind her back, making it obvious she was hiding something from him. Bellamy raised a brow, wanting to see what she was holding.

“What are you hiding?” He questioned her, leaning his head to try to see what she had behind her back. She moved, making it difficult for Bellamy to see. 

“It’s a surprise! Close your eyes.” Clarke laughed, and Bellamy pouted jokingly. He hated surprises. “Close them, you’ll like it. Just reach out your hands.”

He reluctantly closed his eyes and reached out his hands.

She put something in his palms, it felt a bit rigid. And weird. He opened one eye.

It was the red velvet cupcake his teacher gave him.

“Happy birthday!” Clarke cheered, clapping her hands. “Your teacher told me to give it to you.” She smiled cheekily, looking proud of herself for giving him a gift that wasn’t even from her.

He didn’t know why, but somehow this was the best thing to happen to him all day. He looked up at Clarke, shock still on his face, but his shock quickly broke into a large grin.

“Thank you.” His words surprised both of them, her not expecting him to smile, and she smiled just as wide in return.

“You’re welcome.” Clarke sat down next to Bellamy, her hands on her lap. “Are you going to eat this time?” She pointed at the cupcake that was still in perfect condition.

Bellamy hummed, thinking maybe he deserved this treat since it was his birthday. “Why don’t you share it with me?” He pushed it slightly towards her, pulling down the wrapper around the cupcake.

He surprised Clarke once again since she didn’t expect it. She looked at him softly. “Yes please.”

They split the cupcake that day, crumbs ended up all over Clarke’s pretty dress and his dark jeans. 

This was the beginning of everything. Later on, after all of the events that happened between them subsided and they finally got the chance to be truly happy, this would be the beginning of their story. This was what they would tell their children and their grandchildren. The shared cupcake on his 11th birthday, her blue ribbon, and his worn-out shoes.

This was the beginning of _them_.

\--

He was unsure on why, but after school that day, he pulled the shoebox under his bed and finally opened it. Bellamy was careful with trying to not get it dirty, even made the notion of washing his hands right before he touched the box. 

He didn’t know where this strong urge to wear the shoes came from, but something changed that day. Something inside him, and something between him and Clarke. He hated surprises, but Bellamy was sort of excited to find out what that something was.

He tried on the new shoes Kane gave him and looked at himself in the mirror. He smiled at what he saw.

Bellamy went downstairs, to see Octavia and Kane in the living room watching an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. They didn’t hear him come down until they saw him. 

Octavia squealed the second she saw his shoes. Kane didn’t make a sound, but there was a large grin on his face, a proud look in his eyes. 

“They’re just shoes.” Bellamy turned pink, pulling at the sleeve on his shirt awkwardly, disliking the attention he had been facing all day.

“They’re your first steps.” Kane said, and Bellamy looked away, not wanting to think about the hidden meaning behind those words.

Octavia patted the spot right next to her, telling him to sit next to her but to take off his shoes before he sat down. Bellamy laughed, going to the doorway to take off his shoes without damaging them and putting them on the shoe rack near the door. He walked towards the couch, and sat down on the spot next to his sister, pulling her into his shoulders. Kane looked at them softly, and Bellamy was sure he was looking at him the same way.

This was what family was like. A real, truly, happy one.

* * *

The particular change that happened between him and Clarke on his birthday was actually a major one. They became inseparable, always by each other’s side. She started wearing her blue ribbon daily now, and he began to wear the shoes Kane would buy him. Bellamy was afraid Octavia would be upset that Clarke stopped hanging out with her to hang out with him instead, but Octavia was only six and didn’t care because apparently, she had a _gazillion_ friends. Whatever that meant.

Wells would still pass by, and he was clearly Clarke’s other best friend. Bellamy tolerated him but only barely. He knew Clarke was Wells’ best friend first, but he didn’t like it. 

Bellamy was sure that Clarke would leave him for Wells one day, and that horrified him. 

She was his best friend, his only friend actually. Why couldn’t he also be hers?

Clarke and Bellamy finally have that conversation about Wells after a few years. Clarke chose to either ignore it or not pay attention to it. Wells never took it personally though because he knew Bellamy was a good guy, so he still likes his presence. It annoyed Bellamy even more, why couldn’t he be a bad guy so him disliking him at least had a reasoning behind it? Now Bellamy just looked like the bad guy.

She was in sixth grade, and he was in eighth grade. Octavia was still in elementary school, and Bellamy still worried about her every day. He hated not being able to make sure she was okay when they were at separate schools. Jake said he was a good older brother for that, and Clarke told him he had to learn how to stop being a clingy overbearing brother. 

Clarke and he also have been reading a lot together, so she was now learning brand new big words. She thought it was a blessing because it gave her an opportunity to sound smarter than most people. He thought she was just being obnoxious.

Jaha and Wells moved cities because Jaha became elected senator of the state which meant they had to relocate. Jaha wanted Wells to have the best education, so he was also sending him off to boarding school. It sucked because Clarke and Wells weren’t going to see each other as often. Octavia even cried because she liked him. Bellamy felt sad too and also felt bad for all the times he barely let Wells in.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you.” Bellamy said to him the day Wells left and hugged him as a goodbye.

“It’s okay. You’re a good guy, Bellamy.” Wells patted his back and pulled back to smile at him politely. “Clarke is all yours now.”

Bellamy staggered back, not knowing how to react. “Uh, I don’t know what you mean.” His cheeks turned pink, scratching the back of his neck. Wells gave him a pointed look. They both knew he was lying. It just made him blush even harder.

“Okay then.” Wells didn’t push him about it because that was the kind of good guy he was. Patient as ever. Bellamy should’ve appreciated him more truthfully.

Clarke was saying her goodbyes to Jaha before she turned to Wells, and she ran into his arms, giving him a tight hug. She was sniffling. She didn’t like crying in front of people. Bellamy took a step back, wanting to give them space. He walked over to Jaha, wanting to say goodbye to him as well, and caught the end of Clarke and Wells’ conversation. Bellamy looked over at them, not wanting to eavesdrop, but he wanted to know what they were saying.

“Don’t forget about me, okay?” Clarke said, her face in his shoulder. Bellamy’s heart lurched. 

“I’m more worried about you forgetting about me.” Wells laughed and pulled away from Clarke. “Don’t go marrying other people without me there.”

Clarke snorted, her eyes wet. “I would never do that. A princess needs her prince, remember?” 

Bellamy turned away, not wanting to look at them anymore. There was a pang in his chest, and he didn’t want to think about it. Jaha gave him a knowing look and laughed. 

“I’ll see you again, Bellamy.” Jaha said before telling Wells it was time to go, and getting into the car. Wells nodded and said goodbye to all of them. Octavia was upset, tears were running down her face and he also knew that the Griffins and Kane were upset too. Bellamy walked over to Clarke who was standing in the driveway, watching the car leave. He grabbed her hand.

“It’s okay. He’ll be back soon.” He told her reassuringly, brushing his thumb over the back of her hand.

Clarke used her free hand to wipe her face and sniffled. She turned to him, her eyes full of tears and sadness. His heart broke at the sight of her face, not wanting to see that look on her face ever again.

“You won’t ever leave me right?” Her lower lip quivered, looking like she could break at any moment which was rare to see because she always stood strong, invincible. In times like this, he realized how small she was. He took her into his arms, and kissed her hair, stroking a piece of the ribbon in her hair. 

“As long as you never leave me, princess, I’ll always be here.” She hugged him even tighter.

“I would never leave you.” Clarke said into his shoulder, her sniffles subsiding.

“I’ll hold you to that.” He pulled back and smiled at her, interlocking her pinky finger with his. She returned the smile and held his pinky a bit more tighter.

“Promise.”

\--

During the next few years, Bellamy and Clarke had a lot of growth. He was getting more used to the new environment, and started to trust that maybe, this new family he had would stick. He even let Kane buy him a phone, but it was a flip phone. Clarke was given a new blue ribbon every year by her father ever since she commented how that was her favorite item she wore. Bellamy was grateful to see the ribbon all of the time, whether in her hair or on her wrist, it was something that would remind him of why their relationship started. 

However, Bellamy and Clarke didn’t only have these mental growths. They were obviously growing physically as well. He was growing awkwardly into his body, gaining some muscle which made people look at him, and Clarke… was also getting looked at as well. 

Bellamy remembered the first time he saw her in a bikini, It was the summer before his sophomore year at high school, and he wondered when did his best friend grow breasts and why were they so big, but he realized he was a weirdo for even wondering that. He couldn’t even look at her in the eye, or just at her in general, Bellamy kept on flushing every time he saw her when they were at the beach. Wells visited that day, announcing they should go to the beach so he blamed this predicament on him, really. Bellamy also invited his classmate, Murphy, because he was aware of how his home life wasn’t that healthy. They really just ‘befriended’, more like tolerated, each other because of their shared traumatic childhoods. As one does.

Bellamy stayed in the water, his swim trunks covered by the ocean waves. Clarke and Octavia looked at him strangely, while Murphy laughed. Bellamy glared at him when he continued laughing and he held his hands up in surrender.

Wells also glared at Murphy. “Don’t look at her that way!” 

Murphy guffawed in response. “Now I’m not the one you should be lecturing about looking at Clarke when this guy is hiding his boner with seawater.” He pointed at Bellamy.

Bellamy was flustered, stumbling over his words because he tried to defend himself, yet failed horribly. Wells looked at him and he didn’t want to understand his expression at the moment. Instead, he splashed both of them. “Can you guys just shut up?” Those were his last words before he turned around to dive into the water to actually swim, embracing the sting in his eyes from the saltwater because he kinda felt like a criminal for even being in Clarke-in-a-bikini’s presence.

Seriously, he never would forget this day. Even a decade later, it would still be thought about. 

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Jake told Abby later that night, his arm around her when they were all at the Griffins’ beach house, them two being the chaperones for the weekend. They were sitting at the barstools on the counter, while the kids were all playing Uno on the ground.

Murphy laughed, and he nudged Bellamy. “They do grow fast, huh?” He winked at Bellamy. Bellamy glowered at Murphy, while Wells kicked him which Murphy winced at.

Clarke and Octavia looked at them confused while turning to the other. 

“Boys are so weird.” Octavia said before laying down at blue with a 4. Clarke hummed in agreement.

“Yeah, totally.” Bellamy said when he put down a blue +4 card, meaning Murphy would have to grab four more cards. Murphy groaned because he was the closest to winning.

“Now you just did that out of spite.” He said while everybody else in the circle was laughing.

“You deserved it.” Bellamy shrugged, and Wells agreed with him.

Clarke and Octavia were out of the loop, and he felt Clarke’s gaze on him. She didn’t like being excluded from things, especially if Bellamy was involved because they would usually tell everything to each other.

This wasn’t something he wasn’t going to tell her, amongst other things he hadn’t told her about (or anyone about really. He knew one day he would have to unpack his feelings for her, but that day wasn’t coming anytime soon). 

So he lied.

“What were you and Murphy talking about earlier?” Clarke asked as they were doing the dishes, him washing and her drying.

“What do you mean?” Bellamy responded, trying to back out of this conversation even though that wouldn’t be much use.

“Don’t play dumb. You know that I know something is going on.” She said, stopping her ministrations to look at him with her hand on her hip. He grew a couple inches on her now too, so she had to look more up at him. It made it worse for him to even look down at her because now she had a penchant for wearing v-neck tops.

He was already aware he would have to beat up guys if they ever did something to his sister, and somewhere during the past few years, he would now hurt guys for Clarke. Now if he caught them looking at her the wrong way, he would kill them. 

“Murphy just is an asshole. Don’t worry about it.” This clearly didn’t satisfy Clarke, so he splashed water at her from the sink. 

She gasped in shock, but she immediately moved on from the shock as a smirk formed on her lips. There was a playful gleam in her eyes, and that was when Bellamy knew he was going to lose.

Clarke grabbed the spaghetti someone didn’t finish and threw it over his head. He laughed as he felt the sauce on his face, the feelings of disgust not coming just yet.

“Oh this is war.” were the last words said by him before they started throwing any food near them at each other. She screamed.

They kept on laughing and yelling as more food was thrown before he went to grab her by the waist because she almost slipped on one of the fallen noodles. They both kept on laughing, covered in food which would probably be hard as hell to clean up. Their laughter died in their throats, noticing their proximity.

Clarke flickered down from his eyes to look at his lips, and Bellamy followed to look down at hers. 

He touched her face, wiping off spaghetti sauce from her cheek with his thumb, Clarke completely frozen. It felt like neither of them were breathing, not wanting to ruin this moment between them.

Bellamy brushed his thumb over her beauty mark, then touched the corner of her lips. Her mouth twitched and opened slightly wide enough for him to slip his thumb inside her mouth. He did so obediently, only the tip of thumb between her lips. He didn’t know where this side of her came from, and he sure as hell didn’t know where this side of him came from. 

Bellamy looked back up in her eyes, her eyes already on his as she hesitantly licked the tip of his thumb. His eyes darkened, as he pulled her closer to him, being careful to not press his hardening erection against her thigh. She then sucked on the tip of his thumb. 

Then they heard footsteps going down the stairs, and they moved away from each other quickly. He grabbed an apron without thinking, wrapping it around his waist to cover his arousal. Clarke looked down at the apron, then at him, then towards the direction of the footsteps.

It was her dad.

Jake whistled at the sight of the kitchen, and at the mess on the floor. Clarke and Bellamy looked down at their feet ashamed, his boner thankfully dying down.

“So where should I start?” Jake asked, an eyebrow raised, a serious look on his face. 

“It was my fault, Mr. Blake—”

“Dad, I’m so sorry, I started it—”

They said at the same time, them trying to defend the other.

Jake laughed, shaking his head, his serious look quickly turning into an amused one. “I don’t care, you two are having fun. Did you guys see the look on your faces? That was hilarious.” He slapped his thigh because of how hard he was laughing.

“Yeah, a total knee slapper, dad.” Clarke replied drily, her shoulders relaxing in relief. Bellamy still felt like he was in trouble though, but Clarke reached for his hand to stroke his palm to alleviate his nerves. 

“It is one, Clarke, but make sure you two clean this up on your own. Your mom and I won’t do it for you.” Jake said while grabbing one of the orange juices inside the fridge before walking up back to him and Abby’s room.

Clarke and Bellamy stood frozen, her hand still in his. It seemed like they both realized at the same time this was the hand that had his thumb inside her mouth. They dropped the other’s hand, their faces pink. 

“So I clean this, and you clean that?” Clarke pointed at counters, while Bellamy grabbed a mop for the floor.

“Yeah.” They cleaned next to each other in silence, them both embarrassed, uncomfortable, and unsure how the other felt from what just happened. 

After a few hours of cleaning, they decided they both needed a shower. Separately, of course.

“You can shower first.” Bellamy offered.

Clarke shook her head. “I have longer hair, so it’d be easier if you shower first.” That seemed totally logical, so Bellamy nodded, not wanting to argue after the kitchen incident.

“Okay, I’ll text you when I’m done.” He said before he walked up to the stairs to head to the bathroom.

He looked at himself in the mirror, food all over him, and he groaned. Bellamy didn’t know what was happening between him and Clarke, but now he couldn’t stop thinking about the way she looked at him, and his thumb inside her mouth. Her sucking on his thumb. He didn’t even want to know about how she learned about that.

He rubbed his eyes with his now clean hands, then looked down at the hand that had the thumb he had in her mouth, and sighed. _I need to shower_ , he thought to himself. Bellamy felt ashamed for it right after, but he used that hand to jack off inside the shower. He couldn’t stop thinking about what went down. 

Even after he left the shower, Clarke passed by him to go inside the shower, murmuring an apology for taking a bit. He still couldn’t stop thinking about it. He stayed awake in his bed, waiting for the bathroom door to open outside his room. She was in the shower for a long time too.

Once she finally left the bathroom after an hour, she stopped in front of his door, him seeing her shadow under the door. Bellamy’s heart stopped, unaware of what he would do if she opened that door. Clarke stayed there for a few moments, then somehow she decided against it, then walked to her own room.

He had to wait for his heart to calm down after that, then dropped his head back into his pillow.

They never brought up the kitchen incident to each other after this, not until a decade or so passes, and they finally get to open up. 

There are a lot of things they didn’t talk about for a long time after various things happen between them, and they were both aware it would be easier if they would just talk to each other about it, but they never did.

Bellamy and Clarke were, simply putting it, fucking idiots. 

\--

Saying it was a bit awkward between them after The Kitchen Incident™ was an understatement. It was such a big thing that he even trademarked it and capitalized the letters in his head.

Bellamy and Clarke didn’t know how to act around each other for a few good weeks, which made Octavia question him about what he did wrong and told him to fix it because it was awkward, and Octavia wanted to discuss Clarke about the latest episodes of Gossip Girl. She couldn’t do it if they weren’t talking apparently. Also, it seemed like the parental controls Kane had weren’t actually working. 

“What did you do to Clarke?” Octavia said, leaning on the doorframe of his room.

“Why are you assuming it’s my fault?” Bellamy was annoyed. He didn’t even do anything wrong. They were both at fault for The Kitchen Incident™, and he wasn’t going to text her if she didn’t contact him first. He was pretty sure she felt the same way too because they were both stubborn like that, so they didn’t really have a substantial conversation since. The ride back to their places was a total nightmare. Everybody in the car knew something happened except Clarke’s parents. Octavia was in between them on the way back, and Bellamy and Clarke were completely silent. The only people talking were Murphy and Wells, or more like arguing. 

Octavia looked between them, all confused. He was pretty sure neither he nor Clarke moved a single muscle during that four-hour car ride.

It had now been three weeks since The Kitchen Incident™, and Bellamy and Clarke mainly talked around each other. They talked mainly when there were other people in the room, and when it was just them two, they talked about the most boring shit ever. It got so bad at some point, Bellamy brought up the weather. Clarke looked at him sharply, not even sure if she could glare at him or laugh. Instead, she made an expression that seemed like a mixture of both, and it kinda made her look constipated. He didn’t even know if he was going to laugh or cry by that point.

It was horrible. He missed his best friend, and they hadn’t taken this long without actually speaking to each other since they were children. Bellamy wanted his Clarke back. 

“I don’t know. Boys are dumb, and I want to watch the new episode of Gossip Girl. I only can watch it if Clarke is with me.” Octavia whined. Bellamy scoffed, of course, she only cared about that.

“You aren’t even allowed to watch that. You’re 12 years old.” He pointed to her, giving her a stern look.

“Clarke is 14. Why could she watch it and I can’t?” She whined, stomping her foot. 

“Clarke’s different.” Bellamy responded, turning back to read his copy of _The Secret History_. Octavia called him a loser when Jake gave him the book as a gift for Christmas, and Jake smiled at him and told him a little bird told him about how Bellamy wanted to read it. He winked at him when Bellamy had a surprised face, thinking it was Kane who may have suggested it to him, but he saw Clarke blushing right next to him. She looked at him, embarrassed.

“I know you've been wanting to read it for a while.” Clarke looked at her hands, playing with her ribbon as a nervous tic. 

Bellamy looked at her so softly then, he was pretty sure he looked at her in awe. He couldn’t hide it as he usually did on Christmas. “Thanks, princess.”

She just blushed even harder in response.

“Okay, if she’s so different, why aren’t you guys talking?” Octavia sat on the end of his bed, making him groan because he wanted to continue the book.

“We do talk.” Bellamy deflected, setting his book down, dog-earring the page he left on.

“About what? The weather?” She questioned him, her tone accusingly. It sucked that she was right, but he wouldn’t tell her that so he only glared at her instead.

“Can you just talk to her? I know you guys miss each other, and I want to watch Gossip Girl.” She said before she stood back up, wrinkling her nose at the book he was reading. “You’re so lame.”

Bellamy felt appalled. “Get out of my room, O!” She laughed and went to walk out his door when he realized what she said. “Wait, what did Clarke say about me?”

Octavia turned back to him and rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you ask her about it?” were her last words before she left, not closing his door all the way.

“Close the door!” Bellamy called out, then a few seconds later he heard a loud groan and his door being closed. 

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, not knowing what to do. He pulled out his flip phone, going to his contacts list to go to Clarke’s name. He was hesitant, hovering over whether he should call her or not. Bellamy was finally getting the nerve to press the call button, but then Kane was calling him which was strange since Kane would usually just go to his room to talk to him. Immediately, Bellamy forgot about what he was going to do and sat up in bed, thinking the worst possible thing had just happened. He answered the phone, his hand beginning to shake, and raised his phone to his ear.

“Hello?” Bellamy said, pretty sure he can hear his heart racing right then. This was it. Kane didn’t want them anymore, and he and Octavia were going to end up alone. It was probably because of the food fight, and how he put his fucking thumb inside Clarke’s mouth, and she hated him now and she told her parents. Then her parents told Kane, and now he and Octavia were going to end up alone, he knew it, he knew this was going to happen—

“Bellamy, I need to tell you something.” Kane responded in the voice he would use when he didn’t want to say a certain something because he knew it was going to be bad. Bellamy already knew what was going to come, and he felt the lump in his throat. This was what he got for finally getting comfortable.

He should’ve never changed his shoes.

“What is it, Kane?” Bellamy asked, not wanting to sound like he was going to break at any second. He looked around his room, heart breaking at the thought that he would be abandoned once again. Octavia too. Oh god, Octavia.

“It’s your mom.” Bellamy froze, not expecting to hear anything about his mom. The last thing he heard of her was that she left rehab a few years ago. His mom never came to visit them, instead, she found a new home full of junkies and stayed with them. Kane asked him and Octavia how they felt about it, and Octavia didn’t really understand, thinking Aurora would return. Bellamy was fourteen years old and already felt like his mom was breaking his heart a thousandth time, and felt much older than he was. He said he didn’t care, and walked out of the house and went to Clarke’s place. 

It seemed like she had to have known he was coming that day because she opened the door before he even raised his fist to knock. Clarke opened the door, and she looked like she just woke up. She was wearing her pajamas that had ribbons on them, the pajamas he bought her as a funny gift but it meant a lot to her. The second she looked at him, he broke into tears. Clarke brought him into his arms, and let him inside the house. They were standing in the entryway, his head tucked into her shoulder as he sobbed.

“She doesn’t care about us, Clarke. She rather spend all of her money on drugs, and spend her days on whatever drug she is using, and doesn’t want to even see us. She doesn’t even want to see her own children.” Bellamy wasn’t even sure he was making sense. The words kept on spilling out of him that day, all of the words he was keeping inside of him and bottling up because he wanted to be strong for his little sister. “She doesn’t love us. She doesn’t love _me_.”

Clarke held him that day, letting him cry into her arms. He didn’t want to speak at all, not wanting her to respond to him because he couldn’t deal with her sympathy, at least not yet. Bellamy wanted to cry. So she stayed silent, letting him unleash all of the pain he was hiding inside of him and showing her the part of him that he never showed anyone before. 

The side of him that had a fear of being left behind.

He didn’t know how they ended up in her bed. Luckily, even during his sobs and ranting, he took off his shoes before falling into her bed. They stayed over their covers though, but they slept in each other’s arms for the first time that night even though they had sleepovers before.

Jake opened Clarke’s room to them in the other’s arms the following morning, and Bellamy knew he looked like a mess because of how puffy his eyes were, and he didn’t brush his teeth.

Jake only smiled at them, a look on his face that Bellamy didn’t understand so he was sure Clarke didn’t get it either.

“I made you both breakfast.” were the only words he said before walking back to the kitchen. Clarke and Bellamy looked at each other, and shrugged simultaneously, not understanding why he didn’t get upset at them. It didn’t matter though, that night he was able to be himself, his true self. He would always be grateful to Clarke for that.

He lost himself thinking about himself a few years ago when he got told of his mom once again. Bellamy was too busy thinking about that day when Kane spoke up again.

“Hello, Bellamy?” Kane sounded worried.

“Oh, sorry, Kane. Got distracted there for a second.” Bellamy cleared his throat, and wiped his eyes, feeling wetness on his fingers. He dried his hand with his jeans.

“Okay…” He responded, obviously not believing him but didn’t want to push him about it. “Aurora went back to rehab a year ago, and she’s now out.” 

Bellamy already knew where this was going. She went back to the house full of junkies, he didn’t need to be told this again.

“Okay, and?” Bellamy responded, his voice on edge. He hated thinking about his mother which made him feel like a shitty person, but he couldn’t help it. She put him and Octavia through so much pain, and he didn’t want to be reminded of it.

“She’s coming here to stay with us.” Kane started, and he froze. He couldn’t feel like he could breathe. “She said she missed you guys, and since she got better, she—”

“She _what?_ ” Bellamy said into the phone, his voice raising a couple of octaves as he felt anger run through his veins. 

“She’s feeling better now, so she wants to stay with us because she misses you both.” He said calmly. “I’m also with her right now.” 

Bellamy wanted to scream. He couldn’t believe Kane would do this to him, to _them_. Why would he go around their backs about this and visit their mom when their mom didn’t even think about visiting them for years? 

“She can’t live with us.” He demanded, his whole body begin to shake because of how his emotions controlled him. Usually, he would feel pathetic for it, but he didn’t care for it right then. 

“Bellamy, act mature about this.”

“No!” He responded, not caring about how immature he might sound or how upset he was because he was extremely upset. It wasn’t fair of his mom to return to their lives like this. “Why does she have to come back to us? I don’t give a shit if she’s our mom, Kane. Where the fuck was she when Octavia had panic attacks because of her nightmares? Where the fuck was she when Octavia and I started middle school? Where was she when Octavia learned how to ride a bike for the first time?” Bellamy was never the kind of person to curse, but he was crying, his anger overflowing his veins and coming out of him like a glass spilling. He felt broken, and the fault of his brokenness was his mother’s.

“Where was she when I couldn’t make friends at school for the longest time because of how I was afraid they would end up hating me for having no dad, and an addict of a mother because everybody talked about us?” He didn’t care if he sounded like an asshole, even though he knew he would regret it later, but it _hurt_ , it hurt so much and he couldn’t make it stop.

“Where was she when I hated myself? I was ten years old, Kane. I was ten years old when I saw my mom’s body on the floor, and I was the one who had to put my hands down her throat so she could throw up the pills she swallowed. That terrified the shit out of me, Kane. I still have nightmares about it. I thought I was a horrible person because when she woke up and screamed at me, blamed me for everything, saying I was the reason why her life went to shit. I wanted to kill myself, Kane and I was _ten fucking years old_.” He didn’t think he made sense anymore, and he knew Octavia must hear him, and his mom could hear him too because he was screaming nonsense at this point. 

Kane was silent through it all while tears were streaming down his face. He wanted to scream, hating his silence.

“Bellamy, I know you’re upset, but you should listen to her.” Kane said after a few more moments of silence, staying calm as always. 

Bellamy hated him at that moment.

“No. Tell her I don’t want to see her ever again.” He said before closing his flip phone, and throwing it at the wall, pretty sure hearing it break apart. Bellamy felt numb. 

There was a small knock on his door.

“Not now, O.” Bellamy said, his throat hurting from his sobs.

“Not Octavia.” Clarke’s voice was muffled from the door. He perked up, suddenly feeling embarrassed for sobbing too loudly and screaming about how he practically hated his mother.

“It’s open.” He said after getting himself situated, wiping his face with a tissue from his bed stand.

The door opened, and Clarke stood in the doorway, a tender and caring expression on her face. Her shoes were off, and her hair was down, no ribbon in sight. His heart panged in his chest, the same feeling he always felt every time he looked at her returning right then. The feeling he had yet to name. 

“Hey.” His voice was quiet, completely different compared to the yelling he just did. His anger was starting to dissipate, his emotions no longer in control of him. The sight of her just calmed him down, grounding him.

“Hey.” Clarke responded before climbing onto his bed, and reached for him gingerly, unsure whether to touch him or not. He took her hand, and kissed the back of it, then pulled her into his arms. Even though she was smaller than him physically, Clarke allowed him to feel small as well, be his own age instead of someone who had to take care of his little sister and come off as someone invincible. He was able to be a kid when he was with her.

She smiled at him, a tiny smile, before pulling his face into her hands. She wiped his wet cheeks with her thumbs. They looked at the other in the eyes, neither of them even glancing down to look at the other in the lips, and the awkward incident and the silence afterward that occurred between them seemed like it never happened. 

It was just them.

Clarke leaned forward, and pressed her lips against his forehead, only barely. His eyes fluttered shut. 

“I love you.” She said to him, her voice so quiet and so soft that he could’ve missed it if his sole focus wasn’t on her. It was only for their ears and no one else’s. It wasn’t the first time she ever said that to him since they have said that to each other in the past. He knew they loved each other, they were each other’s person, but they didn’t say it often. Only in certain circumstances, like this one.

“I love you too.” Bellamy whispered back reverently, Clarke pulling away to look at him, and he opened his eyes to look at hers. Her eyes were so blue, so big and tender, yet so sad. She was heartbroken for him.

“I wish I could take your pain away.” Clarke said like it physically pained her that the world had the audacity to make Bellamy Blake, her best friend, her person, feel any sort of hurt. Bellamy smiled sadly.

“It’s okay, when I’m around you, the pain isn’t so bad.” He tried to joke to make the situation seem less serious even though it wouldn’t work. She wouldn’t push him on it though, not when it came to this.

“I’ll make sure to stay by your side for the rest of our lives then.” Clarke leaned her head down, to tuck it into his neck. He kissed her hair and held her closer to him.

“Promise?” He offered his pinky to her, and she looped his pinky with hers.

“Promise.”

\--

The next day, Clarke gave him a cupcake. Everybody didn’t get why she gave him one since it wasn’t a special occasion. He did though.

His mother hadn’t come by yet which he hadn’t decided if it was good yet or not. 

Octavia woke them up, unsurprised by how Bellamy and Clarke fell asleep in the other’s arms once again like Jake woke them up a few years before. Clarke got up to leave when Octavia opened the door, saying she had to do something, and Bellamy had to face his little sister whose eyes were puffy and red.

He was sure he looked the same. 

They hugged each other then, him telling her it was going to be okay because he wasn’t going anywhere. Octavia sniffled in response and only held him even tighter. 

Clarke stayed the whole day, brushing her teeth in his bathroom because they had an extra for her. He let her wear his clothes too because she needed an extra pair. It was them three in the kitchen, preparing breakfast in the kitchen with the finished cupcake on the counter, some crumbs on the counter. They were having an animated conversation while they were finishing setting the table when Kane walked in. With their mother.

“Hi.” Aurora stood in front of the kitchen, her face more hollow and her body a bit skinnier, more bone than fat.

Kane looked at Bellamy anxiously while Clarke walked over to grab Bellamy’s hand quietly and Octavia looked down on the floor. Bellamy turned to his sister, tightening his grip around Clarke’s as he used his free hand to pull Octavia closer to him. Clarke made sure to stay by his side, not losing a single step.

“Hi.” Bellamy said, his voice flat. 

“Bellamy—” Kane started, and Bellamy held a hand up, stopping him. He looked at him, feeling betrayed by what he did. He knew Kane was a good guy, but he didn’t want this. Not after everything she had put them through.

“I don’t want to hear it, Kane. At least not now.” He responded, his jaw clenching. Aurora looked heartbroken like she knew she broke something that she couldn’t repair. 

She was right.

“Bellamy… I’m sorry. I just want to fix what I’ve done.” Aurora said in a broken voice, tears in her eyes. 

He squinted his eyes at her, shaking his head. “I don’t forgive you.”

“Bellamy, please.” She moved towards him, grabbing his arm. Clarke made a sound, looking up at Bellamy with a worried expression. Bellamy pulled his arm back, physically recoiling back.

“Don’t touch me.” Octavia started to cry, and Bellamy turned to Clarke, silently signaling her to take Octavia and leave. Clarke looked at him, him being able to tell she didn’t want to leave him but he shook his head anyways. She opened her mouth, wanting to argue, but he gave her a look that told her not to. Her lip quivered then nodded, and went to grab Octavia, and took her to her room. Kane seemed to have the right idea, and left the kitchen as well, giving them a chance to be alone.

Aurora looked desperate by the time he turned to look at her again, but he didn’t feel any sympathy or remorse. He didn’t know the woman who was in front of him.

“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done, Bellamy. But I am better now, I swear. I’ve been clean for over a year now.” She said, and he couldn’t tell if she was trying to convince him or herself.

He laughed humorlessly, uncaring of what she was saying. “You said this every time when I was a kid. I don’t believe you.”

He turned around, to finish setting up the table, making it obvious he wasn’t making a place for her on the table.

“I swear I am better now, I even started going to church.”

“Oh, that’s just hilarious. What have you been telling God? That you’re a drug addict that sold all of her money for drugs? That you abandoned your children, and stopped giving a shit about them years ago?” He said roughly, nearly breaking a plate by the time he set one down aggressively.

“I do care about you, Bellamy. I love you both, I am your mother and I love you.”

“SINCE WHEN?” Bellamy turned around, the anger returning back to him instantly. He was already a mess whenever his mother was mentioned to him, so her standing right in front of him was tearing him apart. “Since when were you my mom? I don’t even know who you are. You didn’t give a shit about me, or O, or about anything regarding us. You never cared about us!” He pointed at her accusingly, suddenly feeling the need to cry or punch a wall.

“You were never there. You were always passed out on the ground, or doing God fucking knows whenever you would disappear for days. It was _me_ that cleaned up your shit. It was always me making sure the house stayed tidy, and it was me that gave Octavia all of the leftovers you and those random men left behind because you would forget to provide for us.

“You said you’re our mother? When the fuck was the last time you acted like one? Tell me that. When was the last time you acted like a mother?” He screamed at her. He was aware he was coming off as an asshole, but she deserved it. He didn’t feel any sympathy for her.

Bellamy deflated, seeing that she was crying. He breathed heavily through his nose, and rubbed his face with his hand, and sniffled. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of her. She didn’t deserve his tears. 

“I’m so sorry, Bellamy. I don’t know what else to say. I really am sorry for everything, and I wished I had done more. I wished you could believe me. If I could take it back, I would.” Aurora sobbed, not doing anything to stop her tears.

He scoffed. “You can’t.” Bellamy’s jaw ticked, looking at the stranger who called herself his mother. “I don’t want to see you, and I don’t want you to see Octavia. She deserves better than a shitty mother.” He went to grab the glasses from the cabinets and put them down on the table. 

“We went nearly six years without one. We can do it again.” Bellamy said, his back to her, before walking away, not turning back to her. 

He wanted to be with his real family.

\--

They didn’t talk about it. But the whole town did.

Everybody suddenly knew Bellamy and Octavia’s absent addict mother was back in Arkadia, and how she was staying in a motel that Kane was paying for. Everybody was talking about them once again. Whether negative or not, he didn’t give a fuck. Octavia was also handling it quite well too, talking to Bellamy privately about her true feelings. She let it be known she was on his side, but she said she wanted to try to at least see Aurora once. Bellamy tried to argue against that, but Clarke said Octavia was allowed a chance to try to form a relationship with their mother, even if it was small.

He still wanted to say no, even if Kane agreed with Clarke, but once he saw Octavia’s face, he knew he had to say yes. He didn’t want to deny her the opportunity of a relationship with their mother, especially since she always had told him in the past it made her sad to see other daughters with their mothers when theirs wasn’t around. Maybe he was an asshole for wanting to say no but _he_ was the one who knew how their mother was like, and he was more of a mother than Aurora was. 

Bellamy was upset, wondering why their family wasn’t enough for Octavia, but he didn’t tell her that. He told Clarke though.

“Bellamy, she’s twelve. She can make her own decisions.” Clarke said calmly, sitting on his bed as Bellamy paced around the room.

“Exactly, she’s twelve, Clarke. A child.” He ran his hands through his hair probably a 1000th time that day, his hair sticking up everywhere by the mess he made.

“If she wants to talk to your guys’ mom, she could. Don’t be such an overprotective brother about this.” She replied, clearly not getting the situation they were in.

“What do you mean, Clarke?” He turned to her, his eyes hard. “How am I being an overprotective brother when _she_ was never fucking around? Octavia’s twelve years old? Fine, I was ten fucking years old when our mom overdosed. I was ten years old when I had to call the police after I made our mom throw up all of the pills, and I was ten years old when I had to tell Octavia that our mom was being taken away. Where was my decision in that?” Bellamy yelled, moving closer to her face. She didn’t flinch, unphased by his outburst.

He realized what he had done, yelled at Clarke for something that wasn’t her fault, and moved back. He turned away, feeling ashamed. Clarke wasn’t upset, she knew he wasn’t angry at her.

“You shouldn’t have had that responsibility, Bell.” Her voice didn’t change, still calm and patient as ever. She never really got upset at Bellamy since she always was the one who knew what he was going through. “It wasn’t fair.”

“Well, I did, so what the fuck are we going to do about that now?” He said, anger roaring through his veins. He breathed in and out a couple of times, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t know Clarke stood up, and by the time he realized it, she was wrapping her arms around his middle, her face on his back.

“You deserve so much better than what you got.” She whispered against his back, and he restricted himself from shivering at the sensation.

They stayed in that position, he was unsure for how long they did, but they didn’t move or spoke for a while.

“Why weren’t we enough for her to come back years ago, Clarke?” Bellamy asked brokenly, feeling so tired and drained. “Why wasn’t I enough?” His cheeks were wet, and the wall he was staring at was becoming blurry because of the tears in his eyes.

She held him tighter.

“I wish I had the answer for that, Bellamy. I wish I knew why.” Clarke said softly, her tears making the back of his shirt wet. “You are enough. Even if _she_ doesn’t see it.”

They both knew what she meant by that double meaning. He was also insecure by the fact that Octavia wanted to see their mother when it was him that stuck by her side all this time, and provided for her after all of this time. And yet, she wanted their absent mother.

He just cried silently, feeling raw and naked. Bellamy closed his eyes as Clarke moved around him, her front to his front. He felt her hand touching his face, stroking his cheek. He opened his eyes.

“You are enough, Bell. You always have been, and always will be.” She said with such sureness in her voice, and he could tell by looking into her eyes she believed it too. He wished he shared the same belief.

“I don’t remember a time without you, Bellamy. I feel like I’ve known you my entire life.” Clarke whispered, but her voice was the most powerful thing he had ever heard. “I don’t know where I would be if I never had met you.”

“Me too.” Bellamy replied, holding her like she was a gift from whatever god there was in the universe made for him, and him only. He couldn’t imagine Clarke being anyone else’s, not after everything they had been through together. Clarke was _his_ , and he never wanted to give her up.

“You are enough, Bellamy. I promise you. You are everything and more, and I fucking hate your mom for making you feel this way.” He chuckled quietly at her cursing because Clarke was that perfect student, that despised cheating and cursing.

She smiled at his small chuckle and kissed the dimple on his chin. His heart stopped.

“I would give you everything if I could.” Clarke murmured, leaning her face against his chest. 

_You already do_ , he wanted to say. But he didn’t say anything at all.

Their wet cheeks were now dry, and it was just them, wrapped in the other’s arms, standing in the corner of his room with the sunset shining through the room. 

He was sure they had experienced this moment multiple times in their lives because of how his mother was the sorest topic he had ever come across, and how she was the only thing capable of breaking him completely for a while. 

They were each other’s confidant, best friend, and person. No one could replace them for the other, not now, and not ever.

* * *

There were people that tried to get in the way of their relationship though.

There was his sister, but that wasn’t really her fault even though it also was. It wouldn’t happen for a few years though.

First, the first person that ever tried to come between them was Gina.

She wasn’t malicious about it though, it wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t aware of how deep and true Clarke and Bellamy’s bond ran. She also wasn’t aware of how devoted to Clarke he was even when he thought he didn’t deserve her.

It was his junior year, and Clarke was now attending the same school as him. He was grateful for that, he felt empty without her by his side. At least he knew they were on the same campus once again, and Bellamy felt like the missing piece of him that was in the shape of Clarke had returned once again.

However, they were in different years so he couldn’t really see her as often as he’d like. It sucked even more that they had different lunch periods, so they only had quick conversations during passing periods or just passing glances as they walked by each other. Bellamy had a friend group already when Clarke didn’t really talk to that many people. She had acquaintances she told him, but no actual friends.

“I don’t need friends when I have you.” She told him simply one day after school and took her books out to study for a test that won’t occur for a few weeks. He should’ve argued with her about that, telling her it is not healthy to be codependent, but after experiencing Wells having to also be her best friend, he was kind of pleased she didn’t need anyone else. He was possessive and jealous to a fault, so he rather would be her only friend, if he had to be honest.

(He knew that wasn’t really such a healthy thought, but he was afraid Clarke would find someone else, something better, and leave him like his mother did. Bellamy didn’t want to lose her.)

His friend group didn’t matter much to him anyway. He would drop them instantly for Clarke, but that was besides the point.

Then in came Gina Martin.

He knew of her already, she was homecoming queen the year before. They shared the same classes, but never spoke to each other, but he knew of her like he was sure she knew of him since he was talked about a lot.

They talked for the first time in English class, she sat right next to him. It was just small conversations about what Ms. Sydney said at first, and they would look at each other and laugh whenever Ms. Sydney said something ridiculous.

Then one day, she turned to him before class started, and spoke.

“Is that _The Iliad_?” She leaned over his shoulder, interrupting his reading. He looked at her confused, as he preferred this time to read peacefully.

He looked down at his copy, the copy that Clarke got him for his 16th birthday.

“Yeah, it is.” Bellamy responded, looking around the classroom and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. When he didn’t want to talk to others, it was obvious because of the way he positioned himself. It seemed like she hadn’t got the memo.

“I always loved that myth, it was my favorite, alongside the one about Orpheus and Eurydice. I’ve always been a sucker for romance.” Gina rambled. He perked up and looked at her curiously. He never met anyone interested in greek mythology like he was, and no matter how hard he tried to get Clarke into it, Clarke wouldn’t budge.

“They are the most popular love story in greek mythology, so I can see why they’re your favorite.” Bellamy responded, setting his book down aside to pay attention to Gina.

“Yeah, they’re the most popular, call me cliche.” She laughed, it was a bit loud and different than what he was used to. He smiled softly unexpectedly. He liked her laugh. “I don’t care if it’s the most popular one, really. It was really heartbreaking he lost her in the end.” She nodded, having a faraway look as she recalled the myth. Gina touched her chest as if it was her heart that broke.

“It is a story about patience though.” Bellamy reasoned, sitting up as he was passionate about greek myths and enjoyed talking about them. Especially since it was the first time he ever got the chance to talk to someone who enjoyed it as well. “Orpheus was getting tested on his patience, and his trust in Eurydice following him. But he didn’t trust it, and turned back, and lost her forever.”

Gina looked at him curiously, gesturing to him to continue.

“It’s not about them loving each other. It was already known they loved each other, but there was more to it. Love isn’t enough to provide a happy ending, there is always something that comes along with it. And for their love story, it is his patience and belief in her. He didn’t have either of those.

“Love isn’t just about loving each other, it’s about what you do and fight for to keep it. You can’t rush love, it can’t happen immediately because you can lose it just like that, you know?” He glanced at her before returning to his spiel. “If it’s real and true, then it would come to you when it’s ready. You can’t rush it, you need to wait for it, and believe in it once it is in your grasp. That’s what Orpheus didn’t do. He turned back and lost her.” Bellamy realized how loud he sounded, and it made him nervous. He looked around, hoping no one was listening in. He silently sighed in relief when he noticed no one was looking in their direction.

His ears were pink by the time he turned back to look at Gina. She looked at him in shock, not expecting him to be that passionate about it. Then she smiled, a big and wide smile that took over her entire face. 

“Wow, you really do love greek mythology.” She laughed that loud and different laugh, the one he wasn’t used to, but he realized he wanted to get used to it and make her laugh more.

He smiled.

“Yeah, I really do.”

He didn’t know how he looked then, but whatever expression was on his face, it made her big smile stutter. Gina’s expression changed suddenly and looked at him with a soft look in her eyes.

“I’m Gina Martin, by the way.” She offered his hand, and he raised an eyebrow but shook her hand anyway.

“I’m Bellamy Blake, as you should know since we've been sitting next to each other for the past few weeks.” He said dryly, and she laughed once more, throwing her head back slightly as it was somehow that funny. 

“There is no crime in introducing yourself, Bellamy Blake.” She continued to laugh quietly and took out her pen as Ms. Sydney came into the room, disheveled for some reason, apologizing for being late.

Bellamy and Gina looked at each other at the same time, a shared knowing smile on their faces because Ms. Sydney was ridiculous by existing.

Ms. Sydney was ten minutes into a new lecture about a new book they would be reading when Gina passes him a note subtly, without moving her head up from her notes. He grabbed the note, a bit unsure of what it would say, and opened the note.

_Ms. Sydney is such a weirdo. Text me so we can make fun of her even more LOL!_

_XXX-XXX-XXXX :)_

He looked at her, a bit surprised by the note, but he chuckled quietly at the doodle of Ms. Sydney with messy hair and an angry-looking face on her. Bellamy turned to Gina and smiled.

\--

 _Are you going to the dance?_ The text from Gina read.

Clarke groaned, throwing her ribbon at his face which prevented him from texting Gina back. Bellamy looked up from his brand new flip phone to look at Clarke.

“Stop ignoring me!” She whined and grabbed his pillow to throw it at him. He caught the pillow with his hand and held her ribbon up.

“Seriously? Why would you throw your ribbon at my face? What harm would it do?”

“I don’t know, I just want to talk to you!” She grumbled, a pout on her face. “You don’t even talk to me as much as you do anymore. Who are you texting anyway? Miller?” 

He didn’t know why, but he hadn’t told her about Gina yet. Bellamy knew he had to at some point, but Clarke was also a jealous person even though she didn’t like admitting it.

“Yeah.” He lied, closing his phone to put it in his jean pocket. Clarke looked at him like she didn’t believe him, but didn’t say anything more. Bellamy signaled for Clarke to turn around, which she did instantly, sitting back for him to tie her hair up with the ribbon. After successfully putting her hair up into a nice bun, she turned to him. 

“I don’t know what to wear to the homecoming dance.” Clarke groaned, putting her face in her hands. Bellamy laughed because _of course,_ this was the big thing she wanted to talk about. 

“Doesn’t Abby have any dresses in her closets for you to wear?” He tugged on her ponytail to tease her, and she yelped then elbowed him in the stomach. He winced.

“First of all, her dresses are ugly and I haven’t talked to her lately.” Bellamy looked at her sympathetically. Clarke didn’t talk about her issues with her mom either, but her mother frequently undermined her. She talked down on Clarke constantly and made Clarke feel like she was less than she was. 

They joked about it once, when Clarke came to his house with tears streaming down her face.

“Look at us, we both have mommy issues.” Bellamy said that day when he cut the cupcake in half for them to share.

Clarke laughed then, her sniffles dying down. “We’re practically meant to be.”

He paused, and looked at her, feeling the certain feeling in his chest he was too scared to understand. “Yeah, whatever. Maybe when you don’t have snot in your face.” He teased which he got an elbow in the stomach for. 

Bellamy hadn’t seen his mother in a while either, so he hadn’t even talked to her. He saw her in passing since she was building a relationship with Octavia, but not him. A part of him was jealous, seeing his mother try with his little sister and not him. Octavia tried to ask him about it, telling him to give Aurora a chance, but Bellamy was clear on saying no each time. She didn’t deserve his time, but Octavia was upset at him about it. He didn’t even want to know what lies their mother was telling her about him.

“Have you tried asking your dad to take you shopping?” Bellamy asked and Clarke frowned, looking down at her hands.

“He hadn’t been home much lately. Mom and he have been fighting, so he’s been working more. Same with her.” She shrugged, downplaying what she was feeling, but it broke his heart. They were leaving her alone, not taking care of their daughter as much as they should. 

Bellamy sat down next to her and nudged her shoulder with his. “I can take you shopping if you like. Octavia can come too.” Bellamy got his driver’s license a year before, so he had been driving around Clarke and Octavia a lot lately. He was such a generous driver since they used his generosity for their own benefit, it seemed like.

Clarke looked at him gratefully, a small smile on her face. “Really?”

“Really. Plus, I don’t want my homecoming date to look like shit at the dance. It’d embarrass me.” Clarke rolled her eyes and pushed him off the bed. Bellamy exaggeratedly winced at the fall, even making a show by doing an expression where it seemed like he was in really bad pain. 

“Oh, you big baby. Do you want me to kiss it all better?” She fluttered her eyelashes obnoxiously, and he laughed and aimlessly tried to kick in her direction which she moved quickly away from.

“Yeah, I do.” Bellamy pouted and made grabby hands. She took his hand, and he pulled her down to the floor with him which made her say _ow_ really loudly. 

They laughed on the floor really hard, unable to contain their laughter that took over their bodies. After a few moments, they realized how close they were, their faces a few inches away from the other. They froze. They were afraid of what would happen if one of them moved.

Bellamy looked down at her lips.

This probably wasn’t normal, but Bellamy had wondered a lot in the past if Clarke had her first kiss yet. This question popped up even more now that she was in high school. He knew people looked at her, she even relished in it because she adored the attention. It made her look untouchable. But it scared him, thinking about how there may have been someone before him that kissed her. He hadn’t kissed anyone yet, but it wasn’t because he had no offers. Bellamy had a lot of girls and guys that wanted him, and a lot of them asked him on dates. He declined them each time, not explaining why, but the first thing he would think about was the blonde girl with blue eyes and a blue ribbon in her hair and knew it wouldn’t be right if he went on dates with someone else.

So he waited and still hadn’t had his first kiss yet. 

Now he was scared that there was someone that kissed Clarke, someone that wasn’t him.

They were both leaning in before Octavia opened his bedroom door aggressively which made his door hit his wall.

Bellamy and Clarke shot up from the floor, both looking guilty of something that didn’t happen.

Octavia looked at them, confused like something had happened but was unsure if it had happened or not. Kane walked in right behind her and looked at the sight before him.

“What are you guys doing on the floor?” Kane asked for Octavia, calm as ever. Clarke blushed while Bellamy stuttered.

“She pushed me!”

“He started it!” 

They pointed at the other accusingly, speaking at the same time. They gasped and looked at the other, both feeling betrayed that they would blame the other. 

Kane laughed, while Octavia kept the same look on her face as if she knew something they didn’t. Bellamy didn’t look at Octavia in the eye, not wanting to face her. She may be four years younger than him, but she knew him just as well as Clarke knew him, maybe even better since she was unaware of the … feelings Bellamy was harboring for Clarke. Bellamy was unaware of them too, honestly. Or he told himself he was because he wasn’t ready to confront them yet.

“So I decided that I will take Clarke and Octavia to the mall because Clarke needs a dress for homecoming…” Bellamy drifted off, scratching the back of his neck.

Octavia’s face suddenly lit up. “Are you going to pay?"

“Um, no, I didn’t say that.” Bellamy said, his eyebrows furrowed, but Octavia ignored it as she was jumping excitedly.

“There’s this skirt I really want, but I couldn’t pay for it, and you’re paying for it! I’ll go change!” She ran out of the room, running down the hallway so she could go to hers. Bellamy could only look at the doorway that had only Kane left in shock while Clarke died in laughter.

He glared at her. She held her hands up in surrender, her shoulders shaking as she giggled. “You walked right into that one.”

Bellamy turned to Kane who shook his head, and laughed. He put his hands on his hips. “Okay, well stay safe, have fun. Don’t spend too much money on your sister, Bellamy, you’re not good at saying no to her.” Kane said before leaving the room, heading towards his room. Bellamy gaped and Clarke giggled once again.

“You really can’t say no to her.” Clarke confirmed.

“Yes, I can!”

“When was the last time you said no to her?” She questioned him.

He went silent, not wanting to respond as she smirked.

“Well, when?”

“That’s beside the point!” Bellamy grumbled. He stood up and helped Clarke up from the floor. She stuck her tongue at him jokingly while he rolled his eyes. Octavia announced that she was ready and already had the keys by the time they were finished redoing his bed.

When Bellamy put his jacket on, and closed the front door behind him as Clarke sat in the front seat and Octavia sat in the middle seat in the back to talk to them, he realized he had forgotten to text Gina back.

\--

Octavia and Clarke were both trying on clothes while Bellamy waited in the fitting room area, his knee shaking anxiously. He checked his watch, and felt impatient the longer they took. He was about to say he was going to leave by the time Clarke got out of the fitting room.

His heart skipped a beat.

Clarke was wearing a baby blue dress that had a v neck that showed the swell of her breasts, and the dress landed above her knees. He felt like he wasn’t even worthy enough to be looking at her.

Bellamy realized his mouth was wide open and he didn’t say a single thing by the time Clarke groaned.

“Well? How do I look?” Clarke said, putting her hands on her hips that made her breasts pop out even more for some reason.

Bellamy stuttered. “You look—you look great.” He could swallow his own words right now, he wasn’t even sure if he sounded like himself.

She looked at him and rolled her eyes. “Guys are so weird.” She turned around, facing the mirror that showed both of their reflections. “Should I leave it be or put on a push-up bra?” Clarke asked him, Bellamy unsure if she was asking him or herself, and he gaped even more as he watched her push her boobs together. 

He felt like he may have died because he didn’t know what to say.

“Your boobs are already big, you don’t need to push them anymore.” Octavia said, back in her regular clothing and laying a pile of clothes right next to Bellamy as she wanted him to purchase them all apparently. She wrinkled her nose at him because she had to have seen the look on his face. Which made him close his mouth and realize who he was.

“Um… you look good either way.” Bellamy said awkwardly, looking at everything except Clarke.

Clarke sighed. “Guys really do suck at talking to girls.” She said to herself before heading back to the fitting room to change.

Bellamy looked at Clarke’s retreating figure confused. “What does she mean by that?”

Octavia hit the back of his head. “You’re an idiot, and it’s because you’re not the only idiot she talked to today.” 

Bellamy turned to look at his sister, curiously. “What do you mean?”

Octavia scoffed, her arms over her chest. “You guys really don’t tell each other anything.”

“What?”

She turned to him, an annoyed look on her face. “She’s talking to some guy in her grade. His name is Finn, I think. He pissed her off earlier, she told me.” 

Bellamy’s couldn’t comprehend there was another person in Clarke’s life that wasn’t him, Wells, or Octavia. He felt like he was just thrown for a loop. “What?” He repeated.

Octavia groaned. “There’s a guy in Clarke’s math class named Finn Collins. He likes her. I don’t know if she likes him too, though.”

“I didn’t know about this.”

She pinned him with a glare. “Does she know about Gina?”

Bellamy suddenly went quiet, aware that she was right. Octavia groaned once again, so loudly that the other customers in the store glared at them. Octavia glared at them too.

“You two are such idiots,” were the last words Octavia said before Clarke got out of the fitting room, back in her regular clothes with her dress in hand.

“Ready to go?” Clarke asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“Yeah, we are.” Octavia stood up, walking over to the cashier, not even trying to pick up the clothes she was making Bellamy purchase for her.

Clarke sighed and grabbed some of the clothes while Bellamy grabbed the other half.

“You got to learn how to say no to her one day, you know.” She said and Bellamy sighed back in return.

“Well, that day is not today.” She looked at him sympathetically, as she understood how far deeply loyal he was to her sister, then walked ahead of him, and he watched her retreating figure before he got the nerve to follow her.

* * *

Bellamy had been asking around at school if anyone knew who Finn Collins was.

It was lunchtime when he asked his friends which wasn’t much help either. They said so many different responses that it confused him.

Murphy said he was a guitarist that died in 1987, and Miller responded that he didn’t care about the kids in their school. Jasper was too high to actually think of a response.

Monty was helpful though.

Bellamy was annoyed, already resigned to the fact that he wouldn’t find out who the mysterious Finn Collins was by the time Monty turned to him. 

“He’s a freshman.” Monty started and Bellamy perked up, moving to listen to Monty’s words more carefully. “I know him because of how he is in Harper’s bio class.” Harper was Monty’s girlfriend and she was in the same grade as Clarke. “He’s a bit of an idiot.”

Bellamy wasn’t surprised. His name sounded annoying enough. “Is Harper in any of Clarke’s classes?”

Monty looked at him, a small smile on his face when he brought up his best friend. “Yeah, they’re in math together. Finn is too, he sits next to Clarke. Harper doesn’t like him, but she said it’s obvious he wants to get in her pants, apparently. Since he spends most of the class looking down Clarke’s top instead of paying attention to Mr. Pike.” 

Suddenly, Bellamy was mad. He already wanted to punch Finn in the face for looking at Clarke like that.

“Thanks, Monty. You’re a good friend.” He stood up.

Monty laughed, and the same smile was still on his face for some reason. “Yeah, _friend_.”

He returned to talk to their friends about whatever Jasper was talking about which went along the lines of making moonshine and the weed he was growing in his backyard. Bellamy didn’t care, walking away from his friends and headed to the direction where Clarke’s class was. The end of the lunch period was coming in around fifteen minutes or so, and he wanted to talk to her about this creep of the Finn guy.

“Hey, Bellamy!” He heard his name got called when he was in the middle of playing tetris on his phone as he waited against the lockers. Bellamy looked up, and saw Gina walking over to him with a smile on her face.

Bellamy moved off of the locker, he was leaning against and straightened himself up. He returned the smile, him giving her a small wave. “Hey.”

“How are you?” She asked, flipping her brown curls over her shoulder as she adjusted her bag over her arm. 

“I’m good, just waiting on a friend right now.” He pointed at the classroom door, then put his hands into his jean pockets along with his phone. 

“How long have you been waiting?” Gina leaned against the lockers next to him, her eyes not moving from his face.

Bellamy looked up at the clock on the wall across from them. “Probably around five minutes. Not that long.” He shrugged, then turned back to her.

“I can stay with you while you wait, to keep you busy.” She offered. 

Bellamy looked around awkwardly, pulling on his ear as he looked at the empty hallway they were in. He sighed and reluctantly gave her a grateful smile. “Yeah, I would like that.”

The next few minutes passed with them talking about their shared interests and their English class. He thought it would’ve been awkward, and it would be small talk, but it was easy to talk to Gina. It felt nice.

Bellamy stopped speaking mid-sentence once the bell rang, and the doors to every class opened. Bellamy and Gina moved aside, to let the freshmen walk out. He waited to see the familiar blonde head once she finally walked out, with a guy with floppy hair in tow. 

“So are you going to give me an answer about the dance, Clarke?” The guy asked her. They haven’t noticed Bellamy and Gina yet.

Bellamy couldn’t see Clarke’s face because he just saw the back of her head and the ribbon in her hair. “Finn, I don’t know yet.” So that was Finn.

“Well, I was just wondering—” Finn started, but got interrupted by Bellamy walking over to stand in front of them.

“Bellamy.” Clarke said, surprised, whatever expression she had on face immediately changed to a happy one. She turned, and saw Gina right next to him. She took a step back, confused by somebody else that wasn’t in his friend group standing next to him.

Finn tried to begin his sentence once again, but Bellamy interrupted him. “I wanted to talk to you.” He glared at Finn, and luckily he understood what he meant and walked away, waving goodbye to Clarke and saying he would talk to her later.

He continued to glare at his retreating figure before he turned back to Clarke, opening his mouth to say something before Gina cleared her throat. It seemed that he forgot she was there. 

Clarke did too apparently because she was looking at her strangely.

“Hi, I’m Gina, a friend of Bellamy’s.” Gina offered her hand to Clarke for her to shake, and Clarke looked down at her hand like it was something alien. Then she reluctantly shook her hand, her face still incredulous. 

“I’m Clarke.” 

“Oh, you’re Clarke?” Gina smirked at Bellamy who looked away because he did bring up his best friend a lot to Gina. It wasn’t his fault his favorite topics were history, Octavia, and Clarke. “I’ve heard so much about you!” She said kindly.

“That’s funny, I’ve heard nothing about you.” Clarke said snarkily, folding her arms over her chest which was what she typically did when annoyed. Bellamy nudged her with his shoulder, giving her a look that said _be nice_.

Gina didn’t take any offense to it, she just laughed instead which confused Clarke. “Well, I got to get to class. I’ll see you later, Bell, and nice to meet you, Clarke!” Gina laughed, and walked away, the warning bell for the passing period ending ringing through the halls.

Clarke looked at him and she mouthed _Bell?_ Her lips were in a flat line, obviously annoyed by something.

“Leave her alone, Clarke. She’s nice.” He patted her head, and she grumbled then swatted at his hands.

“She has a weird laugh.” They walked together down the hallway, and Clarke looked forward, seemingly not wanting to look at him.

“I think it’s cute.” He said, defending Gina. She turned to him as if betrayed.

“Okay? So what? You’re going to ask her to the dance?” Clarke asked. Bellamy looked at her surprised, confused by the sudden change in the topic.

“What? Why would I? I’m taking you, remember?” The hallways were now empty once again, it was just them standing alone. The last bell was going to ring which was going to make them late for class, but neither of them moved from their position.

“Well, if you think she’s cute, you might as well and take her. Wasn’t she homecoming queen last year?” Sometimes, when she acted like this, it reminded him of how annoying she was. 

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I did _not_ say she’s cute.”

“So you think she’s ugly? What the fuck, Bellamy.” Her voice was flat.

“I did not say she’s ugly!” He held his hands up, feeling very exasperated by this conversation. Why were they even arguing? 

“So you want to take her to the dance then?” Clarke moved closer to him, even though she was smaller than him, she knew how to get into his face when they were upset at the other. They didn’t even have a reason to be upset right now, but she was upset by something and when she was upset, he was too.

“No, I’m taking you!” He groaned, them both ignoring the last bell. “Stop putting words in my mouth!”

“Well, you don’t have to, Finn asked me to the dance.” She put her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Oh, so you’re going with _Finn_ then.” Bellamy said the annoying boy’s name like it was a curse. He hated this guy. “Well, if you want to go with him so bad, then go with him. Don’t let me hold you back.” He said pointedly, him getting more upset by the second. He was going to print out a picture of Finn and put it on his dartboard. 

“Fine, then you can take Gina then.” Clarke replied, her anger suddenly disappearing immediately as it seemed like she was realizing what was happening.

He realized it too. “I guess so.” Bellamy went quiet, taking a step back from Clarke. He didn’t feel as angry anymore, he just felt sad. 

“So it worked out for both of us then?” Clarke responded, looking at Bellamy, looking between his eyes like she was looking for something. Apparently, it seemed like she did find it, and sighed then looked down. She also took a step back, pulling on the loose strap of her backpack. 

“It seems like it.” He wanted her to look at him because he didn’t understand what just happened. Why were they even arguing? It didn’t even make sense. He wanted to take her, not Gina.

“Okay.” She said simply, then looked at the time on her watch. “We’re late for class.”

“Okay.” Bellamy said sadly. He hated this. “We should go then.”

They didn’t move from their spot for the next few moments when Ms. Tsing came out to yell at them.

“Get to class! You’re late!” Ms. Tsing said, walking past them down the hallway to enter a room.

Bellamy cleared his throat while Clarke nodded awkwardly. 

“Well, I’ll see you.” Clarke said before walking down the direction to her class. 

“Bye.” Bellamy replied quietly, watching her walk away. He turned the other way, their classes were opposite directions of each other, then walked down the hallway.

He realized later on, twenty minutes into class, that he never got to talk to her about what he came to her class for.

\--

Bellamy and Clarke didn’t talk at all for a week. Then another week passed by, and they still hadn’t spoken. 

Homecoming was two days away, and he hadn’t spoken to his best friend in two weeks.

Octavia said she wasn’t going to get in the middle of it, deciding to call them both idiots and just hung out with them separately. Jake just looked at him sympathetically when Octavia rode with Clarke and Jake to school because apparently Clarke wasn’t riding with him to school anymore either. Bellamy acted like it didn’t hurt his feelings but it did. Abby was never around though since she was working nearly seven days a week now. Kane patted him on the back every time Bellamy left for school because they would watch Jake drive them away solemnly, while Bellamy stayed behind.

All he knew about Clarke was when he passed by her in the hallways, he would either be with his friends or with Gina, but Clarke was always with Finn. Clarke never looked at him, always animatedly talking with that loser with a shitty haircut. 

He seriously wanted to punch that guy so bad.

It was the day of the dance, and he couldn’t deal with this radio silence any longer. They were planning to go to the dance together before, and he still thought it would be the same. Gina and he agreed they would just meet at the dance, and Bellamy didn’t care much about it. He just missed Clarke.

His tie was loose around his neck when he rang the doorbell, and he had a red velvet cupcake in his hand.

Clarke opened the door, hair rollers in her hair, and her makeup done subtly. She was wearing a pink robe that had small tiaras on it. She looked at him, not really surprised he was there. She looked down at the cupcake in his hands and smiled.

“I’m an idiot and I miss you. Do you miss me?” Bellamy said, his voice joking while the tenderness in his eyes shone brightly.

Clarke laughed, and god, he missed her laugh so much. She grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him inside.

“I did miss you, you idiot.” 

He split the cupcake in half while Clarke changed into her dress. Half of the piece he cut was in his mouth by the time she came out of the bathroom, her dress on and her blonde curls flowing over her shoulders. Bellamy nearly choked.

She looked pleased by his reaction and handed her ribbon to him. He put the cupcake on the vanity, and gestured to her to turn around which she followed silently. He put half of her hair up into a ponytail and tied it with the ribbon, and she shivered when he touched the skin on the back of her neck.

Bellamy tried not to shiver as well, not used to their sudden closeness after not seeing her for two weeks. She turned back to him and cocked an eyebrow. 

“How do I look?”

“Beautiful.” He said, looking at her in awe. She didn’t expect that reaction it seemed like, and turned pink. 

“Thanks, you’re not looking too bad yourself.” She ruffled his curls and he pushed her away, laughing. 

They were finishing the cupcake by the time they heard her father’s voice.

“Ready for your picture?” Jake said from Clarke’s doorway which made them jump away from the other, unaware of him being there. Jake had a look on his face that Bellamy couldn’t decipher, and there was a small grin on his lips.

“C’mon, pretty girl, let’s pose.” Bellamy grabbed Clarke by the arm, trying to mimic those ridiculous prom pictures they had seen in the past. Clarke and he kept on laughing as Jake continued to take photos of them. He was pretty sure they didn’t even look at the camera once.

“Okay, all done.” Jake’s expression hadn’t changed at all, and Bellamy wished he understood what the look was, but he wasn’t going to ask him about it. He just looked at him confused while Jake chuckled.

“To be young again.” He joked.

“Shut up, dad.” Clarke rolled her eyes as Bellamy and her headed towards the entryway of the house, getting ready to leave. She suddenly went quiet, looking at the top of the staircase. “Mom still not here yet?”

Jake smiled at her sadly, shaking his head. “No, honey, she’s not. She’s at work.”

Clarke nodded, trying to not look disappointed, and bit her lip. “Okay then.”

Bellamy opened the door for her, touching her shoulder quickly, before letting Clarke walk out first.

“Stay safe! Don’t do anything irresponsible! If that Finn guy touches you in any way, Clarke, Bellamy and I will beat the shit out of him!” Jake called out as they both walked outside, and Bellamy laughed.

Clarke groaned and elbowed him in the stomach. “Leave Finn alone!” She stuck her tongue out at Bellamy.

He shrugged, opening the door for Clarke to slip into the front seat, then he walked over to sit in the driver’s seat. “I would beat the shit out of him regardless.”

He winced as he backed out of the car because Clarke hit him once again, and she pinned him with a glare.

“What? Do you want me to lie?”

\--

When they arrived at the school, Clarke was looking out the window, biting her lip, all nervous.

He turned the ignition off, and turned to her. “What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. 

Clarke sunk into the seat, her hands pulling at the flared part of her dress. He tried hard not to glance down at her thighs, looking at her face instead.

“I just never been to the dance before, and now that I have a date, it’s just…” She drifted off, staring down at the console of the car.

Bellamy touched her shoulder, somehow forgetting that she was two grades below him and that this was all new for her. “It’s nothing major. It’s not prom, it’s just teenagers awkwardly dancing or trying to fuck on the dance floor while drinking.” He recalled the previous dances that weren’t that memorable to him. Then suddenly he remembered who he was talking to. “Which you’re not going to do, obviously.” He pointed at her, a stern look on his face.

Clarke laughed, her nervousness disappearing by his humor. “Obviously.” 

They smiled at each other for the next few seconds, staring into the other’s eyes.

“We can leave if you want. We can drive to the diner near your house, and eat there instead. Screw everybody else, you know? High school sucks anyway.” Bellamy offered to her nonchalantly, but he wanted her to say yes. He didn’t care about anybody here; he only cared about her.

She chuckled, shaking her head. “I would love that, Bell.” She took his hand into hers and intertwined their fingers. They both looked down at their hands, and he knew what she was going to say.

“You want to stay.” He said simply, not wanting to sound disappointed even though he was.

“For the memories, you know? Time passes by so fast, I don’t want to miss any moment of it.” Clarke was serious. She was such a cynic, but at times like this, it showed how romantic she was. 

She held onto his hand for a moment, loose hair covering her face from him. Bellamy said nothing, and before he’d even realized he was doing it, he had brushed the offending lock behind her ear.

Clarke turned pink, moving away from him. Bellamy cleared his throat, pulling on his ear. It seemed that they ended up physically closer than they would be lately, and he didn’t know what started it. 

(He actually did. The cursed Kitchen Incident™ is too ingrained into his brain, he still had dreams about it.)

Clarke opened her mouth to say something, when Finn poked his head into Clarke’s window. She jumped, not expecting him.

“Hey, princess.” Finn smirked, or at least tried to smirk because Bellamy thought he looked stupid. He scoffed, annoyed by the nickname Finn called her when it wasn’t his. It seemed like then Finn realized Bellamy was in the car too. “Hey, Bellamy.”

“Finn.” Bellamy’s jaw clenched, and he looked out his window, not wanting to see Clarke’s look on her face as she looked at her date. Also he knew if he looked at him for another second, he would punch him for breathing.

“Thanks for bringing my date here.” Finn said, opening the door for Clarke to get out but didn’t even offer his hand to help her out. 

Bellamy rolled his eyes. Clarke could do way better than him. “Well, I know how to drive, I live right next door, and I also am here with a date, so.” He rolled the windows in the car up and got out of the car. He locked the car, and folded his arms over his chest as he watched Clarke and Finn speak to the other on the other side of the car. Bellamy felt like he was going to throw up.

“Be careful with the hands.” He warned Finn as Finn’s hands were suddenly too close to Clarke’s chest. 

Clarke rolled her eyes, and Finn laughed nervously, raising his hands up in surrender. “I am fine, Bellamy. Don’t be such a helicopter dad.” She stuck her tongue out at Bellamy before grabbing Finn’s hand so they could walk into campus together. 

Bellamy watched them walk away, not liking the conflicted emotions he felt as he watched Finn and Clarke touch each other, talk to each other. That should be _him_ , not that asshole Finn. He longed to be the one who was with his best friend, but a stupid argument ended up with them in this position.

“Asshole.” He said to himself, reaching down to the pockets in his pants so he could text Gina.

“Who’s an asshole?” He jumped at the voice behind him. He recognized that obnoxious voice.

He turned around to face the direction of the voice. Bellamy groaned silently at who he saw, the apparent annoying bully in the grade below him and grade above Clarke.

Echo Zyma smirked at Bellamy, dressed up in a floor-length reptilian looking dress and wearing some ugly high heels that made her look like a dinosaur. 

“Echo.” Bellamy said politely, not wanting to deal with her right now. He was waiting for his date, not for her.

“Bellamy.” Echo started, moving closer to him. He took a step back, not wanting to be near her. She was a horrible person, he had seen what she had done to some students and he yelled at her then. Bellamy had told his friends to keep an eye on Echo because he was afraid she might set her sights on Clarke. “Where’s your sister?”

“Octavia’s at home.” He replied, looking around them so he could possibly find Gina in the crowd.

“Not that sister.” 

He then realized she was talking about Clarke. Bellamy laughed humorlessly, getting extremely pissed off. “First off, Clarke isn’t my sister, and second, she’s with her date.”

“Date?” Echo asked with a smile on her face which somehow made her look worse. Seriously, where was Gina? “With who?”

“Finn Collins.” Bellamy was getting impatient, already taking his phone out of his pocket so he wouldn’t have to deal with Echo any longer.

“You must feel really jealous that she met someone else then.” 

“Shut up, Echo. Didn’t you get suspended for pouring bleach in the soccer team’s conditioner then got caught chain-smoking in the boys’ bathroom? How are you even here?” Gina walked up next to Bellamy, wrapping her left arm with his. He sighed in relief, smiling at her. She smiled back. “Ms. Tsing!” Gina called out to one of the faculty members that were standing in front of the campus and Echo gasped.

“You’re a bitch.” Echo snarled, quickly hiding horribly behind some poor innocent freshmen’s backs as they walked up into the campus. 

Gina and Bellamy looked at each other, laughing. 

“At least she’s not your problem anymore.” She said thoughtfully, her brown eyes standing out more from her makeup.

He felt grateful for her. “Thanks, Gina.” He noticed the way she looked, and did a soft whistle. Gina giggled, waving her hand to brush him off, but she flushed a bit. “You look beautiful.” Bellamy said honestly, and Gina blushed even more.

“And you look beautiful as well, Bellamy.” She adjusted the lapels of his jacket, and he laughed. 

“Thank you.” He replied, glowing from her compliment. He barely got compliments like that, usually it would be someone calling him hot, but he was rarely called beautiful.

Gina took his hand, and he intertwined their fingers, ignoring the feeling of how their hands together didn’t fit quite right. 

“Ready, soon-to-be homecoming king?” She asked as they stepped right in front of the entrance of the campus.

Bellamy shook his head at her joke, a small smile on his lips. “Ready as I ever be.”

* * *

The dance was okay.

They were playing a popular pop song that Clarke and Octavia would usually sing once it played on the radio every time he drove them around. He never found out what the song was, but he knew some of the lyrics.

Gina was jumping up and down, that being her own version of dancing, but she kept on laughing her specific laugh and it made him really happy. He continued dancing with her, jumping up and down with her as enthusiastically as her, somehow them jumping around the other. 

He took off his jacket earlier because of how hot it got. He also unbuttoned the collar of his shirt, and loosened his sleeves. Miller wolf-whistled once he did that, patting him on the back, whispering in his ear about _staying safe_. Gina giggled even though she didn’t hear him, while Bellamy flipped him off, his ears pink. 

Bellamy and Gina were dancing for a while, their bodies basically against each other when he turned over his shoulder to look at Clarke and Finn. His excitement disappeared, giving them a hard look as Finn’s face was in Clarke’s neck as she giggled. He froze, straightening his body immediately at the sight of them. Gina didn’t seem to notice his change, was completely content with dancing (more like jumping) by herself.

It seemed that Clarke noticed his gaze on them immediately, and turned to him, her blue ribbon reflecting brightly from the lights shining above them. Her arms were wrapped around Finn, and they weren’t really dancing, but their bodies were against the other. Clarke smirked as she looked at him longer, turning her body around to make her back go against Finn’s front, while not breaking eye contact with Bellamy. 

Bellamy watched her as she danced against Finn’s body, her grabbing his hand and making it slide up her chest. His eyes darkened. She was dancing for him, he knew that.

It felt like it was her body against Bellamy’s body, every movement and naked skin that was accessible to him, he felt it all. He didn’t know how long they stared at the other, him frozen and her practically rubbing herself against Finn.

“Hey, are you okay?” Gina interrupted their sexually heated staring contest, and it made Bellamy remember he was on a date with Gina, not his best friend. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said loudly over the music since they couldn’t really hear each other. He changed his standing position so it could cover his erection from staring at Clarke. Somehow that was enough to placate Gina, so she put her hands over his shoulders. The song changed to a slow song, so that killed his boner. 

He put his hands on her waist in an acceptable way, so she wouldn’t get uncomfortable by it. She laughed, clearly pleased by the gentlemanly-like method of life.

“You’re a good guy, Bellamy Blake.” Gina leaned in to whisper in his ear, and pulled back, a wide smile forming on her lips.

He couldn’t help but smile back. “I didn’t do anything special.” Bellamy replied, confused by why she appreciated him so much.

“You exist which is enough. You didn’t try anything on me today, and you care about your sister and best friend. You’re a good person.” She listed more reasons why he deserved to be appreciated, and it made him want to believe it. Gina had such a big heart, and she made him feel like he was the greatest human being ever.

“Stop it, you’re going to make my ego too big.” He laughed, blushing from the attention.

“Maybe you need to be appreciated more. It seems like your ego isn’t big enough.” She said kindly like she really did believe in what she was saying. Gina leaned in to kiss his cheek, so close to his lips, and he closed his eyes without realizing.

He opened his eyes right after she pulled away, right on time to see Clarke staring right at them, unmoving. Finn was standing behind her, looking puzzled on why she pulled away from their slow dance.

Bellamy looked back at Clarke like a deer in headlights, feeling like he just broke something that night.

\--

The next day, Clarke and Finn started dating. Oddly enough, he and Gina began to date too.

It was a bit awkward, as Clarke would try to pass by Bellamy’s place and Gina would be over. Or Clarke was already over, and then Gina and Bellamy entered to see Clarke, Octavia, and Kane eating in the living room while watching reruns of Friends.

Clarke was wearing the pajamas he got her one time, already getting a bit too small on her, but she was wearing them still. She had a mouthful of pizza and pizza sauce on her cheek when they came in one day, and Clarke said that she suddenly had to go, wiping her cheek with her hand and grabbing her stuff. 

“I thought you were sleeping over!” Octavia grumbled, watching Clarke pack her stuff.

“I realized I have a bio project due tomorrow.” She said, pushing all of her stuff into a duffel bag all messily.

“Tomorrow's Saturday.” Kane said amusedly, watching the scene unravel in front of him.

“Well, take that up with my teacher, and ask him about it.” Clarke said before rushing past Bellamy and Gina, leaving her unfinished pizza on the coffee table. She quickly said goodbye to them before walking out the door and heading over to her place.

Bellamy barely had time to say goodbye back when Gina turned to him.

“She sleeps over here?” She asked, a questioning look on her face.

Bellamy was taken aback. “Yeah, we’re best friends. We grew up together.” He responded, before turning to take off his shoes to leave them in the entryway, and heading towards the direction of his bedroom.

“Okay…” Gina replied reluctantly, following him with taking off the shoes gracefully, and then heading towards his room as well.

Octavia turned to Kane, all annoyed. “They’re idiots, aren’t they?”

Kane laughed and hummed in agreement. “They really are.”

Octavia looked down at Clarke’s unfinished pizza and shrugged. “More for me then.” She grabbed the pizza slice, and took a big bite out of it, paying attention to the television once again.

It was worse when Bellamy wanted to hang out with Clarke, and Finn was around.

Like he was around all the time. He followed her everywhere she went, it seemed like Finn practically was breathing down her neck every given second. Bellamy wouldn’t be surprised if Finn found a way to sleep under Clarke’s bed.

Bellamy walked over to Clarke’s house once Kane informed him that Aurora was coming by to hang out with Octavia. Octavia looked at him, waited for him to finally give in and give their mother a chance. Bellamy ignored her pleading looks, and her pouts, and said he was going over to Clarke’s instead.

So here he was, in Clarke’s kitchen with her dad as Finn was terribly flirting with Clarke in the living room. 

Jake was cutting up carrots while Bellamy was helping him prepare dinner. Jake nudged him in the middle of him peeling off the skin on the potatoes, and Bellamy turned to look at him, confused. Jake pointed in the direction where Finn and Clarke are cuddling on the couch with his head, trying to look subtle before returning to his cooking.

“Do you like that Finn guy?” Jake asked him, putting the cut carrots in a bowl.

“Why are you asking me?” Bellamy responded. He didn’t want to get in the middle of this. 

“You’re Clarke’s best friend and I trust you.” He replied, his voice low and serious. Bellamy raised an eyebrow at him, knowing that sounded like an unfinished sentence. “Okay, and you also go to school with them, and I don’t really like him much.” Jake finished, looking flustered by how he got caught for not being subtle enough.

Bellamy laughed. “I don’t like him either.” He agreed, already imagining ways in which he can throw the knife in his hand at Finn’s head. Without hurting Clarke in the process, of course. “I think he’s an asshole.”

“Asshole?” He turned to him, intrigued. 

“Well, he hadn’t really done anything. He just looks like an asshole and I don’t like him.” Bellamy backtracked, aware he had no evidence on why he disliked the freshman guy so much. He treated Clarke well, but he still didn’t like him. He didn’t want to think about why he hated him so much though.

“Okay then.” Jake didn’t push him for any more, putting all of his attention into cutting the meat. Bellamy was confused on why Jake didn’t ask any more questions, so he knew that meant Jake would probably bring it up again in the future. It was annoying how he kept his thoughts to himself.

“Your mom is visiting tonight, I heard?” Jake asked after a few minutes of them preparing the food in silence. Bellamy’s movements froze, surprised by the mention of his mother.

“Yeah.” He said quietly, not wanting to talk about her. No less with his best friend’s father.

“You know, I’m always here for you, right?” He started while not looking at Bellamy, paying attention to the meat he was preparing to cook. “I know I’m not Kane, your sister, or Clarke, but I’m always here. I know they don’t really understand what you’re going through, and I don’t either, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about you.” Jake continued and Bellamy stared at him in shock, not expecting the care from an adult that wasn’t Kane. 

“You’re a good kid, Bellamy. And a good son. They might tell you you should talk to her, but you should know you don’t have to. You already have a family with Kane, and you have a family with us.” Jake wiped his hand on a towel so he could put a hand on Bellamy’s shoulder. “You’ve always been like a son to me, Bellamy. You will always have us.”

Jake’s eyes were soft and kind. Just like Kane’s. Bellamy smiled at Clarke’s dad appreciatively, still not fully sure on how to respond with other people’s kindness. “Thank you, Mr. Griffin. It means a lot to me that you feel this way.” He responded, his heart full at the thought that Jake saw him as family. 

“No, thank you, Bellamy. You entering my daughter’s life was the best thing to ever happen to us. She always seemed so lonely, then she met you.” Jake said honestly and Bellamy didn’t expect him to say any of this. No one had ever told him this before, how Clarke was alone before him. “She seemed like she didn’t know herself yet, always talking to people but never really been seen. Then she met you, and you stayed by her side ever since. You’re my daughter’s best friend, and I will forever feel indebted to you for that.” Jake touched Bellamy’s shoulder, his smile not going away.

“Especially with what has been going down with Abby…” He said, and his eyes hardened at the mention of his estranged wife.

Bellamy knew that look on his face. He had the same look every time he got reminded of his mother. “Of course, I’ll never leave your daughter behind, Mr. Griffin. She’s important to me.” Bellamy nodded wholeheartedly, completely believing his words. 

Jake smiled once again, but it was small this time. “I know that, Bellamy.” The pot on the stove finally boiled, and he turned to put the food they just prepared into the pot. “Also stop calling me Mr. Griffin. Call me Jake for Christ’s sake. You make me feel old.” 

Bellamy laughed, looking at Jake’s back. “Okay, _Jake_.”

Jake turned to him and chuckled. “See, that’s not so bad, huh?” 

He didn’t really get the chance to talk to Clarke privately that day because Finn was glued to her side for some reason, but he did get the chance to eat dinner with them three.

Finn kept on making stupid jokes while Jake looked at Bellamy confused each time. Then Clarke and Bellamy would have shared glances, small smiles on their faces. It felt like they hadn’t communicated at all lately, and they never brought up The Kitchen Incident™ and The Dance™ to each other. It just seemed like something else they would have to brush under the rug, but Bellamy wished they would just talk to each other.

It didn’t matter though. They were dating other people now, so he would have to live with it. He was grateful for her friendship and was completely content with what they had.

* * *

No, he was not content with what they had, but it didn’t matter. That was what he told himself at least. 

His birthday was a few days away. His 17th birthday. 

Gina and Bellamy have been going on more dates, and still, even though Gina clearly wanted to, he couldn’t bring it to himself to kiss her. He would always make an excuse every time she tried, or would turn away when she would move in too close to his lips. 

Gina was either really good at hiding at how it hurt her feelings or she was okay with waiting. It seemed like a mixture of both, if he had to be honest.

It might seem pathetic that he hadn’t had his first kiss yet, and he had been dating someone for a few weeks already, and still hadn’t kissed her. It didn’t feel right to Bellamy. He liked Gina, she was a good girlfriend and a good person in general. They had good conversations, and they would make jokes in English class, and she listened to his rants about history. She even asked him questions about it, so she didn’t mute him out like Octavia and Clarke typically did, she really did listen to him.

So why couldn’t he kiss her?

Whenever he thought about kissing Gina, he would then wonder if Finn and Clarke had kissed. And then how many times they had kissed, and it was painful for Bellamy to think about. The idea of Clarke kissing Finn made him want to gauge his own eyes out, and he didn’t want to imagine the idea of someone taking something about Clarke away from him. Clarke had always been his, and sharing her with Finn made him feel sick inside truthfully.

He wanted to turn back time, bringing back to when they didn’t know a Finn or a Gina, and it was only them once again. Bellamy missed his best friend.

He was too caught up in these thoughts, that he was also thinking about it most of the time at school. It was lunchtime once again, when he was punishing him with the idea that Clarke may have kissed someone that wasn’t him, possibly had her first kiss already while he hadn’t yet, by the time Jasper threw a piece of string cheese at his face to interrupt him from his thoughts. 

It worked.

Gina laughed, taking the string cheese off of his face, and mockingly pouted at him. Bellamy pouted back, humor in his eyes.

“Okay, stop it, love birds. I might throw up.” Murphy fake gagged. 

The whole group laughed, and Bellamy rolled his eyes. He leaned back on his elbows, a curious look on his face. “So what did you guys want to talk about?”

The group collectively groaned. 

“Seriously, Bellamy, did you not pay attention to what we were just talking about?” Miller asked him all annoyed. 

“Yeah, you've been zoning out a lot lately.” Jasper backed up Miller, taking a big bite out of his string cheese. Monty made a face at that, calling Jasper an imbecile under his breath. Jasper flicked at his head.

“You have.” Gina said worriedly, rubbing his knee encouragingly. “Are you okay?” She asked.

It seemed like the whole group was because they were all looking at him.

Bellamy shrugged and sat up, nodding to himself. “Guys, I’m fine. I just have been thinking a lot.” Thinking about Clarke and Finn kissing apparently though. Which wasn’t fine at all.

“Is it about your mom?” Monty looked at him with genuine concern on his face. It made Bellamy feel bad that he wasn’t thinking about her at all, but now he had an excuse.

“Yeah.” He lied. Luckily, his friends knew not to press him on about it because he didn’t like talking about it. However, Murphy was looking at him strangely, not completely believing his lie, but he decided against saying anything about it though.

“It’s whatever though, my birthday is in a few days.” Bellamy changed the topic, brushing his hands against his jeans. The group cheered as they got reminded, and Gina gave him a small smile. 

“That’s what we were talking about. What are we going to do for your birthday?” Miller asked. 

Bellamy shrugged. “We can probably do it at Kane’s. Nothing big.”

Jasper groaned, and Miller furrowed his eyebrows at him.

“You can say it’s your house, you know. You have lived there for nearly a decade now.” Miller said, pointing out how Bellamy called his place Kane’s place.

Bellamy was hoping no one noticed that, and looked down at his hands. “Sorry.” He still saw Kane’s place as something temporary because he had been waiting for the other shoe to drop for ages. He loved Kane, he really did, but Bellamy was sure that no matter what, he would never deserve an inch of what Kane had given him. So he never got used to it.

Gina looked at him sympathetically, and kissed his shoulder. He smiled at her gratefully. 

“It’s your birthday, why does it gotta be small?” Jasper whined. Bellamy narrowed his eyes at him.

“It’s my birthday, don’t I have a say in what I want?”

“What you want is boring!” Jasper stomped like a child. “Why can’t we party?”

Bellamy didn’t care much about his birthday. He always preferred something small, and spent time with his sister, Kane, and Clarke. Being with them was always enough for him, but looking at the faces around him, the faces of his friends and girlfriend, he decided maybe it was time for a change. 

He couldn’t be waiting around forever. He had to be able to branch out, and look at him now, a good set of friends and Murphy, and his girlfriend. 

“Okay…” He said slowly, giving in hesitantly. Jasper rejoiced and high fived Monty. “I’ll talk to Kane about throwing a party at his—my place.” Bellamy quickly corrected himself, hoping no one noticed his mess up. “But a small one okay? Just us.”

“Just us.” Jasper agreed.

\--

It was not only them. Somehow, there were so many people at Kane’s place. He felt like the whole school was there. 

“Jasper, this is not a small party! And the music is too loud!” He yelled at his friend over the loudspeakers. Luckily, Kane and Octavia weren’t there for the night, giving him the okay to let his friends over. Kane trusted him and knew Bellamy wouldn’t do anything drastic. 

Jasper, on the other hand, was currently doing something drastic.

“What?” Jasper leaned closer, his ear closer to Bellamy’s face because of how loud the music is. “I can't hear you, the music is too loud!” He screamed.

Bellamy groaned, moving away from his friend, taking a big gulp of the moonshine Jasper and Monty created. Bellamy made a face, gagging at the taste. He didn’t know if he would get used to that taste.

He walked around the foyer, unable to find anyone that actually mattered. He saw Murphy playing with the dartboard with a girl that had a face tattoo, and he was pretty sure Murphy was flirting with her. But horribly flirting because the faces that Murphy attempted to make to come off as hot were extremely ugly.

Bellamy shook his head, trying to find Clarke within the crowd. Clarke came with Finn which irritated Bellamy, but he didn’t want to tell her that. However, he didn’t get the chance to tell her anything because his friends pulled him away to scream happy birthday to him then splashed champagne on him. He had to change his clothes like twice because of how sticky he felt. So during the past hour or so, of him talking to people that he didn’t really know and some people Bellamy was also sure didn’t attend his school about his birthday, he finally was able to move away from them.

He hated his birthday. And this was reminding him on why, because he knew he had to pick up all of the alcohol bottles and just clean the house himself. The dark memories were coming back to him, and Bellamy shook his head at the thought, not wanting to remember it.

“Happy birthday.” He heard a voice come from the stairs, and he groaned. 

Bellamy turned to face Echo. “Why are you here?”

She smirked. She should stop doing that, everything she did with her face was really ugly looking. 

“Everybody’s here, why would I miss a party like this?”

He rolled his eyes, hoping someone could possibly take him away from this conversation. Gina was running late unfortunately because she worked at a restaurant, and she would typically work late hours. “It’s not a party.” He said under his breath, turning around just in time to see a freshman nearly break one of the expensive vases Kane got as a gift.

“Don’t touch that!” Bellamy said angrily, stomping towards the freshman to give him to possibly threaten him by the time the recognizable blonde head with the shining blue ribbon got in his way.

 _Clarke_.

Clarke went to the freshman, as if she knew him, and started screaming at him. “Sterling, what the fuck are you doing! This isn’t your house, and it’s irresponsible! Don’t fucking touch that!”

He smiled proudly, watching his best friend curse. She still despised cursing, but she would only curse in situations where she was really upset. Some things really didn’t change. 

“Calm down, Clarke. You’re always so stressed all the time. Has Collins not stuck his dick in you yet?” Sterling said to impress his friends as they all laughed at his joke. Clarke didn’t laugh, she looked pissed.

Bellamy was too.

He walked over to the freshman in big strides, pulling him from the collar of his shirt. The freshman’s smelled like alcohol. “What the fuck did you just say to her?” He said angrily, glaring at Sterling, picking him up just by the collar of his shirt.

“Bellamy, I didn’t—I didn’t mean it.” Sterling sounded terrified, his face paled. 

“No, tell me, what the fuck did you just say to her?” Bellamy emphasized his words slowly, the veins in his neck popping out. 

“It was a joke, I promise, I’m sorry.” He rambled, his entire body visibly shaking in fear.

Bellamy dropped him, and Sterling fell to the ground, not expecting to be dropped like that. Bellamy looked up at his friends and glared at them too, them all looking terrified as well.

“Get out.” He said, his tone sounding threatening. The freshmen all nodded, picking up Sterling from the floor, and quickly leaving his house out of fear.

Bellamy turned to Clarke who rolled her eyes to make it seem like she didn’t care, but her eyebrows were furrowed to show that she was upset by what the freshman said to her. Bellamy pulled her closer to him, looking into her eyes all concerned.

“Are you okay?” He asked her, his thumbs stroking her bare shoulders.

“I’m fine. Boys are annoying anyway.” She tried to brush him off, and downplay what just happened. He shook his head, not wanting her to hide her feelings, especially not from him.

“Come on.” Bellamy took her hand, and walked through the moving bodies to walk to his room. Luckily, he kept the bedrooms locked, and took the key out of his pocket for his room. Opening the bedroom door, he let Clarke walk inside his room before him then closed the door behind him.

Clarke sat down on the bed, placing the bag she was holding over her shoulder onto the floor. She looked down at the floor, attempting to obscure her expression from him, but Bellamy went down on his knees to look at her face. There were tears in her eyes. He brushed some of the tears away with his thumbs, whispering to her some reassuring words.

“I’m sorry, pretty girl.” He said, and Clarke shook her head, laughing humorlessly.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s your birthday. It’s stupid why I’m crying.” She said, trying to smile even though there were tears running down her cheeks. “I just had a bad day.”

Bellamy frowned sympathetically, knowing fully well how she felt because he had an argument with Octavia earlier before she left with Kane. Octavia told him Aurora wanted to see him because it was his 17th birthday, but he told her he didn’t want to see their mother. Octavia got upset, and screamed at him, calling him selfish. 

It made his mood shitty, and then Jasper suddenly invited everybody and their mother to Kane’s house for his birthday, a day he despised, and it just made him feel worse. He lost count of how many drinks he had that night because Bellamy despised the pain he felt. On top of that, Gina was working, and he didn’t see Clarke for most of the night. 

Until now.

“What happened?” He looked into her eyes, still stroking her face with his thumbs. She sniffled.

“My mom and dad got in a fight again, then put me in the middle of it. My mom wanted me on her side, and wanted me to defend her while my dad said she shouldn’t involve me in this. I was trying to paint in my room because I was trying to finish your gift so I could make it really special, but they were too loud so I never had time to finish it. I wanted to make your gift perfect, and I am a shitty friend because you always get me gifts for my birthday, so I am the worst best friend ever, and I—” Clarke rambled, her hiccuping as she continued to cry. Clarke bottled up all of her feelings like he did, but she was good at hiding it more than him. 

Bellamy held his heart on his sleeve, so it was typically known by others whenever he was angry or upset. He never really showed when he was sad, he would typically act out in anger to hide the fact he was vulnerable. He could never hide it from Clarke though; she knew him like the back of her hand. Just like he knew her. 

They were only truly themselves with each other.

Bellamy stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt Clarke. 

“And on top of that, Finn called me a shitty girlfriend. He wanted to dance with me then suddenly he tried to kiss me, and I was like _what the fuck, Finn, I’m not ready_ then he called me selfish and a tease because of how I haven’t let him kiss me. So I left him downstairs, and I don’t know where he is now. I know we been dating for a while, but I’m not ready yet. It scares me. I just want my first kiss to be special, is that so bad?” Clarke cried out frustratingly. Her lip quivered, and she used her arm to wipe at her face.

He was going to kill that asshole. “I’ll kill him.” Bellamy said confidently, so sure of himself that once he found that kid, he was going to beat the shit out of him. 

She laughed, her sobs subsiding, and just hiccuped instead. “If you kill him, I’ll be upset at you forever.”

“That is a risk I am willing to take on. You deserve better than him, Clarke. He’s a fucking asshole.” He said, getting up to sit next to her on the bed. Clarke leaned her head on his shoulder, and he leaned his head on top of hers. “You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t force you to do anything, and for someone who makes you feel safe and happy. He’s a fucking asshole for saying that to you.” Bellamy so desperately wanted to kill Finn right then and there. This was his best friend, his everything, and she deserved every single source of happiness in this fucking universe.

He hated both Abby and Finn for making her feel like she didn’t deserve it.

“Your first kiss should be special.” Bellamy continued, a small weight coming off of his chest in relief as she told him a vital piece of information about her having not kissed anyone yet. “Don’t kiss him because you feel like you should or because he tells you to. Your first kiss should be when you believe the time is right, and you feel ready for it. Don’t force yourself to kiss someone just because they’re available. Kiss them because you feel happy when you’re around them.” 

Clarke was quiet as he listed reasons on why she should only kiss someone with whom she trusted. Bellamy suddenly felt extremely sober, the effects of alcohol fading away. The moonlight was shining on them through the window, the only light source in the room. They didn’t move from their spots, his head still on top of hers. The only sound heard through the room was their synchronized breathing, as they didn’t want to break this moment between them. 

It was just them. They didn’t care about the party outside his room, and all of the strangers in the house. Right in that moment, it was only Bellamy and Clarke, as it should be. No matter what, it would always be them. No girlfriend or boyfriend could possibly get in the way of their relationship.

Clarke finally spoke up after a few minutes of silence. “How was your first kiss like, Bell?” She asked quietly, her voice wavering like she was scared to find out what his answer would be. He thought he may have been imagining that last bit though.

“I haven’t had my first kiss yet, actually.” Bellamy said truthfully, and Clarke moved away from him in shock, looking at him with her mouth open. “What? Maybe I want my first kiss to be special too.” He said defensively. 

“But you and Gina had been together a while.” She responded, seemingly surprised by this revelation.

“The same amount of time you and Finn have been together.” Bellamy argued. It was a bit unfair to assume he kissed anyone already when all he really thought about was Clarke whenever he was with Gina.

“But that’s different…” Clarke argued back weakly, drifting off because she was unsure on what she was trying to say.

“Different how?” He asked curiously, moving in closer to her to figure out what she was trying to tell him.

“Well, it’s Gina who’s like the nicest person, and you’re you.” She tried to look away, looking a bit flustered, but Bellamy poked her which prevented her to turn away.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He wiggled his eyebrows, a small smile forming on his lips.

Clarke rolled her eyes, pushing him with a weak push. “You know what I mean.” She was blushing really hard then.

“No, I don’t know what you mean. Tell me what you’re thinking.” Bellamy teased her, wanting her to say it. He knew he was hot, but her saying it would make him feel even hotter. And also make his ego get larger.

“God, you’re so annoying. You’re obviously hot, Bell. Shut up.” She pushed him again as he started laughing loudly, his whole body shaking with his laughter.

“I always knew you thought I was hot.” He said after his laughter died down, his face hurting from how big his grin was. 

Clarke stuck her tongue out at him. “What about you? Don’t act like you don’t stare at my boobs all the time. I see you, and you suck at hiding it.” She pointed at him accusingly, her eyebrow raised.

He was speechless, surprised that she noticed.

She laughed at his face. “You boys are so stupid. You think us girls don’t notice when you look at us? Obviously we do.” She leaned back against his bed, satisfied with his reaction. “I don’t blame you, my boobs are pretty great.” Clarke smiled at him cheekily, her eyes glowing. Her hair was beginning to fall out of the ponytail as the ribbon began to loosen. She sat up a bit to tighten her ribbon while still beaming up at him.

Bellamy scoffed, but he was pretty sure his eyes were as bright as hers. He then noticed something reflecting onto his face, sort of blinding his eyesight. It was inside her bag.

He reached down to grab her bag and Clarke gasped, grabbing it before he could open it. “Hey!” She kicked towards his direction. “That’s just rude to do!”

He grabbed her shoe to stop her from kicking him any more. “And you think kicking me isn’t?” Bellamy asked her amusedly.

“You deserved it.” She stuck his tongue at him which he mimicked.

Clarke opened her bag to grab whatever was blinding him to present it to him. “I haven’t finished your painting yet, so…” She took out a red velvet cupcake that was inside a plastic container. 

Bellamy let out a sharp laugh, pleased with what she got him and took it from her hands. Clarke used to give him red velvet cupcakes as birthday gifts when they were kids, but stopped by the time they were in middle school. From then on, she would make him small gifts like when she learned how to crochet and made him a beanie, or she would give him small paintings. His walls were filled with her paintings.

“See, we only now give cupcakes to each other when we are apologizing to the other. What are you apologizing for?” Bellamy opened the container to split the cupcake for her to eat as well. He then took a big bite out of the cupcake which she made a face in disgust at.

“You’re so annoying. It’s for your birthday, idiot.” She straightened herself up, moving closer to him so she could grab a piece of the cupcake.

“It’s my birthday so be nice to me.” Bellamy grabbed a piece for her, and gestured to her to open her mouth. She obliged, even making a small _ahhh_ sound so he could feed her a piece of the cupcake. 

After she swallowed the piece, he noticed there was a tiny bit of icing on the corner of her mouth. She was such a messy eater sometimes.

“You have something there.” Neither of them tried to move, looking into the other’s eyes. Her legs were over his thighs, and their faces were a few inches from each other. Clarke just moved to wipe at her face, but she missed the spot on her face that had the icing.

“Did I get it?”

“Not even close.” Bellamy used his thumb to wipe the icing off of her mouth, then it seemed like they had the shared realization of how close they were. Their faces were only a few inches away from the other.

He licked the icing on his thumb, and Clarke’s eyes darkened. 

This was too similar to The Kitchen Incident™, but something about this was different. Something more real.

“Bellamy?” She whispered, leaning in closer to his face. It seemed like he was leaning in closer to her too.

“Yeah?” He felt her breath on his lips, them talking so softly that he was sure they could only hear the other. Bellamy didn’t want to break eye contact with her, and she didn’t want to either until she looked down at his lips. Then he looked down at hers.

“You make me happy.” She said simply, licking her lips. 

Bellamy couldn’t look away. “You make me happy too, princess.” He felt her hand touch his cheek, then her hand slid down to his neck, brushing the curls on the back of his head. He shivered.

They didn’t know how long they stayed in that position, them waiting for the other to finally break it, break the distance between them. This had been building up for so long, and it was here. 

Bellamy swallowed, and Clarke looked up into his eyes before closing her eyes, then finally, _finally_ pressed her lips against his. He sighed in relief, kissing her back. His eyes fluttered closed, putting his hand on her face as well as he deepened the kiss.

He dreamt about this for years, and he finally had the real thing. It was a long time coming. 

It felt like the whole world around them disappeared, and it was just them, wrapped in the other’s arms, their lips pressed against each other. Bellamy pulled her onto his lap, his arms around her waist and her arms around his neck as they didn’t break the kiss. 

The sounds in the room were their heavy breathing, and the noises from their mouths as they continued to make out. His hands inched towards the bottom of her top, wanting it off of her body so he could feel more of her skin, and she followed his movements, beginning to take off her top by the time his bedroom door started to open. 

Clarke jumped off of his body right in time, moving to stand up which he quickly followed. She adjusted her clothes, and he adjusted himself in his jeans right in time to see the person who opened the door.

“Hey!” Gina said, a present in her hands, Finn standing right behind her. They looked confused by Bellamy and Clarke, unsure of why they were alone together in his dark bedroom.

Oh shit.

Bellamy barely had the time to look at Clarke, and couldn't register the shock on her face before. He was sure he must look as shocked as her.

“Hey.” Bellamy said roughly, hoping his mouth didn’t look like he was just kissed. Gina smiled, stepping into the bedroom, put her gift for him on his bed, and pulled Bellamy into an embrace.

“Happy birthday, babe.” She said into his shoulder then kissed his cheek. She pulled back, her eyes glowing.

He wanted to throw up.

“Thank you.” He smiled weakly, still fully aware of Clarke’s presence behind him.

Finn walked in behind Gina and moved past Bellamy and Gina, so he could go to Clarke.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke, I didn’t mean it.” Finn repeatedly apologize to Clarke as Gina continued to talk to Bellamy, and apologizing for being late because she was working. 

“Luckily, my boss likes me, so she let me leave. I told her it was my boyfriend’s birthday, and she said _oh go ahead, sweetheart, why didn’t you say so?_ And now I’m here!” She laughed, that loud laugh she typically had, and usually Bellamy would think it was endearing, but right now it sounded like a gunshot.

Bellamy just nodded and laughed, trying to seem like he was listening to his girlfriend’s words when he was too busy thinking about Clarke’s lips against his, and how they were nearly going to do … _something_ on his bed if it weren’t for Gina and Finn.

Fuck, they both cheated on the people they were with.

“I’m really glad you made it.” He lied, intertwining Gina’s fingers with his. She smiled at him, and started to say something else when he saw Finn and Clarke leave his room.

Finn was saying something to Clarke, but it seemed like Clarke wasn’t listening to the person she was dating either because she was looking at him.

Gina was talking about how annoying the traffic was to get to Kane’s place, and Bellamy and Clarke were still looking at each other as Finn was pulling her away from _him_.

The last thing he saw of Clarke was the back of her head, and her goddamn fucking blue ribbon before Finn closed the door behind them.

Oh _fuck_.


	2. untouchable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke kissed, and everything that comes after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i split this chapter in half because it was too long. yes this is 29k words. how many words will the other chapter be? who knows
> 
> dedicated to the love of my life emily im sorry about your hand i love you

_ jealousy, turning saints into the sea _

_ swimming through sick lullabies _

_ choking on your alibis _

_ but it’s just the price i pay _

_ destiny is calling me _

_ open up my eager eyes _

_ ‘cause i’m mr. brightside _

_ \- mr. brightside, the killers _

* * *

They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk much about anything nowadays.

It had been a week since The Kiss™. Bellamy was practically trademarking everything in his head now since there have been three incidents that occurred between him and Clarke, and then three silences followed right after these three trademarked incidents. 

It frustrated him. He didn’t know why Clarke wouldn’t just talk to him about it.

(He was aware he should also talk to her, but he was a stubborn person. She was stubborn too, so it was a lose-lose situation.)

Gina knew something had happened between Clarke and him. After everybody filed out of the party, and them four finished cleaning, Finn pulled Clarke away to leave and she turned to look at Bellamy. He couldn’t decipher the look on her face, and it scared him that he didn’t. Bellamy was used to immediately knowing what Clarke was feeling just by one look at her face, or by her body language.

The thought of him possibly losing her because of their kiss horrified him. He was afraid he ruined everything.

As Bellamy watched Clarke walk away with her boyfriend, Gina was watching him. He didn’t realize it until Finn closed the door behind them, and he turned to his girlfriend that he regretfully forgot about most of the night.

She looked at him incredulously, then looked down at her feet. She was silent, and Bellamy stared at her, unsure of what to say. 

Gina looked back up at him, a smile on her face even though it didn’t show in her eyes. 

“What a party, huh?” She tried to crack a joke but failed since he knew that she knew something happened. But she won’t push him about it. Gina was a good person.

He didn’t deserve her.

“Yeah.” He nodded, his voice thick. Bellamy should have felt guilty. He felt guilty for cheating on Gina, and that she was hurt by it, but he didn’t feel guilty for kissing Clarke. He would never regret Clarke.

Gina looked between his eyes as if she was trying to find an answer to her question. Then she stepped back, a betrayed look on her face when it seemed like she found the answer.

Bellamy’s eyes were wet. “I’m sorry.”

She held her hand up to silence him. He closed his mouth, giving her the opportunity to speak.

“We’ll talk about this in the morning, okay? It’s your birthday, and I don’t want to yell at you on your birthday.” Gina said calmly, sniffling. She didn’t look at him, and instead stared out the window.

He hung his head, his heart in his throat. “Okay.”

“Okay.” She echoed then she grabbed her bag. “I’m going to go.” Gina headed towards the front door, and Bellamy went to follow her.

“Let me drive you back since you drank.” He offered.

“I rather you not and I only had one beer. I’m fine, and I’m pretty sure you drank more than me anyway.” She turned back to him as she opened the door, her eyes filled with tears. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Happy birthday, Bellamy.” Gina walked out the door and closed it behind her.

Then he was left alone, standing there in the middle of the foyer, wondering what the fuck happened and how did he manage to royally mess everything up.

After a few moments, he realized he never opened Gina’s present for him.

The next day, he and Gina talked. She asked him if he kissed Clarke, and he went silent. She repeated the question, and the look on his face said enough. 

Gina choked back a sob, and he hated himself even more. So Bellamy lied to her and said it didn’t mean anything. They were both drunk, and it was an accident.

She knew that lie was bullshit, but she wanted to believe him. 

“It was a mistake.” Bellamy said to her, his eyes pleading.

“A mistake.” Gina said flatly. Gina was always sweet and enthusiastic. He hated that he did this to her.

“It was.” He didn’t know who he was trying to convince, her or himself, but he was trying anyway. He took her hands in his. “We were drunk and all of a sudden it just happened. It was a mistake.” She looked down at their hands and sighed, his thumb stroking her skin. 

“I’m really fucking sorry, Gina.” Bellamy apologized. “I shouldn’t have done that. If I could take it back, I would.” His eyes were wet, but he didn’t want to guilt her into forgiving him if he started crying. She was already close to bursting into tears. “I’m a shitty person and a shitty boyfriend.” 

She laughed. “You’re not a shitty person, but you are a shitty boyfriend.” Gina said honestly, and Bellamy chuckled because she was right. She took her hands out of his, and he panicked, but instead, she brushed the curls on his head. “I believe you. I believe that you feel bad for what you did, and didn’t mean for it to happen.”

He knew she didn’t, but she wanted to. Bellamy hated himself. He hated himself for hurting a person who was just good, and would forgive her cheating boyfriend. He even met her parents already, parents that adored him and told him to come over more because they had never met one of Gina’s boyfriends before. Then Bellamy ended up cheating on her with her best friend. He was a fucking asshole.

“I’m so sorry.” He apologized once again, leaning his face into her touch. It didn’t feel right to him, not the same as Clarke’s hand against his face, but he chose to ignore that thought.

Clarke chose Finn, not him.

This was him choosing Gina.

“I would say it’s okay, but it’s not. You cheated.” Gina started. “But I would say this one time was a drunken mistake because I think you are a wonderful human being, Bellamy Blake. Just don’t do it again, okay?”

He didn’t deserve her high praise of him. Not after what he had done. 

“I won’t.” Bellamy swore.

She looked into his eyes, the betrayal in her eyes going away. “I trust you.” Gina nodded surely to herself, and leaned in to kiss the corner of his lips. 

He smiled back at her, hating himself for not feeling a single inch of what he felt for Clarke for his girlfriend instead. “Thank you for the gift by the way.” 

Gina got him two tickets to the museum he had been wanting to since it was a pop-up museum, and it was something he had been interested in for a while. The museum would have ancient roman history artifacts and statues, and he wanted to see them.

“You’re welcome. I know you've been wanting to go.” Gina pulled her hand back, then straightened herself up. She wiped at her face with her sleeve, then put on her seatbelt. She waited for him to put on his, so he obliged. 

“We don’t want to be late for our reservation anyway.” Her eyes were still red, but Gina was faking a smile for him, trying to act like it was okay he cheated on her with his best friend. When they both knew it wasn’t.

He could tell she wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, so Bellamy would indulge her and be a good boyfriend for the day after what he had done to her. He never thought he’d be one of those asshole boyfriends that cheated, yet there he was.

The museum was amazing, good, and everything he had imagined. Gina was pointing out everything Bellamy might have liked or been interested in, and the whole time he was wishing Clarke was with him instead. 

God, he was a shitty boyfriend.

Fast forward to where he was now, one week after his 17th birthday, and also one week after he had kissed his best friend inside the darkness of his bedroom. The same best friend he hadn’t spoken to since.

Bellamy had seen glimpses of her in passing. There was truly no way to avoid her since they are next-door neighbors. It reminded him too much of a few weeks before, where they didn’t talk for a few weeks because of the dance. It annoyed him. It seemed that they would always end up in sexually charged situations, and every time it had happened, they would attempt to avoid the other because of how neither of them would suck it up and try to talk to the other about it.

It didn’t mean Bellamy was going to contact her first. He knew he was making it worse by not talking to her, but he was truthfully afraid of what he would find out if he did bring it up to her. What if she just saw it as a mistake? 

What if she didn’t feel the same way?

Which was why he would rather be kept in the dark about it, and won’t bring it up to her. This was just one of those awkward phases, maybe. Best friends typically do have sexual tension, he was sure. Who didn’t want to kiss their best friend?

Bellamy hated this though. If he could turn back time and make sure they didn’t kiss, he would. It didn’t mean he regretted the kiss, he just regretted what came out of it.

He cheated on his girlfriend, and she cheated on her boyfriend. On top of that, Bellamy and Clarke weren’t speaking.

He just wanted his person back.

* * *

Bellamy came home late one day, ever since he took up volunteering at homeless shelters for school credit, and also because he wanted to help others.

He was tired, it had been two weeks since his birthday, and Clarke and he still hadn’t spoken. 

Earlier that day, he was looking over the heads of his friends during passing period to see Clarke across the hall. She was holding hands with the douchebag of her boyfriend, and she noticed him looking at her. Clarke instantly turned, telling Finn something about needing to go to her class, Bellamy assumed. She kissed Finn’s cheek while looking at Bellamy right in the eye before heading into her class.

That instantly put him in a bad mood.

Then later, when he was volunteering, he was helping give out food for the homeless people. One of the kids, Charlotte, he heard her say before, was just sitting down and didn’t get a plate for herself. During his break, Bellamy prepared her a plate and walked over to where she was sitting. Charlotte looked up at him mutely and shook her head to reject the food.

“You should eat.” He said softly, setting it down on the table. He sat down next to the young girl but gave her some space so he wouldn’t scare her away.

She looked weary of him. He wouldn’t blame her. 

“I’m Bellamy.” Bellamy introduced himself, a tender look on his face. She reminded him so much of how he and Octavia were like when they were younger. When Kane first came into their lives, Bellamy hid Octavia with his body, afraid that he was going to be like the other men that would hurt them. 

It took him a long time to trust Kane, and realize that Kane wasn’t going to purposely hurt them. Look at him now, he and Octavia wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Kane. He would forever be indebted to him, and Bellamy hoped that one day he would be there for someone just like him, be the person that Kane was for him. 

Charlotte looked down at her fingers, her nail beds all chewed up and gnawed up. “I’m Charlotte.” She said quietly as if scared that if she possibly spoke louder than a whisper, something bad would happen to her.

He knew that feeling a little too well.

“It’s nice to meet you, Charlotte.” He offered his hand to the young girl who looked down at his hand in confusion before gingerly taking his hand to shake.

Bellamy smiled before letting his hand go. “You can eat if you like.” He pushed the plate of food closer to her, and she looked around them worried.

“I can’t.” 

“Why not?” He asked.

“My mom will get mad at me.” Charlotte said simply, still looking around, most likely looking for her mother. “She said I’ll be wasteful since I ate earlier.” Bellamy took a quick glance at her body, and noticed how skinny she was. Anger flared inside him, not at Charlotte, but at her mother.

“When was the last time you ate?” He questioned her patiently, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

“Like this morning.” Charlotte mumbled.

The sun was already setting. She hadn’t eaten in hours.

“How about this, Charlotte, we split the plate so you at least have something in your system, okay?” Bellamy grabbed the utensils he had and started to cut the bread in half. He offered the other half to the young girl, and she eyed it, unsure of what to do, but he could tell she was hungry. Charlotte grabbed it reluctantly but took a big bite out of it.

She hummed appreciatively as she continued to eat the bread, her legs kicking out from under her in excitement.

Bellamy smiled and took a bite out of his shared half.

It was around eight at night by the time he arrived back at Kane’s house. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep. He wanted to talk to Clarke about what he had done that day, but he didn’t know if he would be allowed since they weren’t technically speaking.

Bellamy came back to the house and saw Kane sitting in the living room, with some brochures on the coffee table. He raised an eyebrow, taking off his shoes near to the doorway, and walked over to where Kane was. It seemed like Kane was shaking with energy, unable to contain his elation. 

He hesitantly sat down on the other end of the couch, squinting down at the brochures so he could make out the words clearly. 

They were college brochures.

Bellamy turned to look at Kane sharply, gaping. “What’s this?”

“What do you think it is, Bellamy?” Kane responded calmly, his eyes flashing with pride.

He glanced at the brochures once again, practically rendered speechless.

“Bellamy, you’re a brilliant student. You kept a perfect 4.0 GPA for so long, while keeping up with your extracurriculars and doing volunteer work as well. Not only that, you’re a wonderful brother.” Kane continued to praise Bellamy, really believing in his words.

Bellamy felt like he was going to cry. He never knew how to respond to others when they praised him like this. He never got it from his mother.

“I know you might not think so, but I do believe you should go to college. I know you want to stay for Octavia, don’t try to lie to me, I know how you are.” He held his hand up as Bellamy tried to open his mouth to argue, even though they both knew whatever defense he would make would be a lie since it was clear Bellamy was planning to stay for Octavia.

“You can have such a bright future, Bellamy. I know you can, but that’s only if you fight for it yourself.” Kane continued. “Where do you see yourself in the future, Bellamy? Do you have an idea?”

Bellamy knew what he wanted. He wanted to be a social worker, and do what he did with Charlotte today, but a bigger difference instead. He wanted to help kids who had bad homes, and be there for them. Bellamy wanted to help them realize they wouldn’t be alone forever, and that they would eventually find their place in this world. 

He wanted to help children, do what Kane did for him. But he couldn’t because of his sister.

“I don’t know.” Bellamy said, hating himself for lying, but he knew it was for the better good.

Kane eyed him and Bellamy turned away, not wanting him to tell that he was clearly lying. 

“Okay.” Kane said, then stood up.

He didn’t expect that response. “Okay?” He echoed in a questioning way.

“I won’t force you to tell me the truth, Bellamy. If you want to stay here for the sake of your sister, I won’t stop you. But these brochures will be here, and you have extra time to figure out what you believe is best for you. Not what’s best for Octavia.” Kane placed the brochures right next to Bellamy on the couch, and started heading to the staircase.

Right when he reached the top of the staircase, Kane called out to Bellamy. “By the way, Ark University has a very good social working program. If you’re interested in that at all.” Those were his last words before he retreated to his room.

Bellamy cleared his throat, pulling on his ear. He glanced down at the brochures, the top one being for Ark University. He looked around nervously, expecting Octavia to pop out of nowhere and stop him from what he was going to do. He then picked up the brochure for Ark University, and opened it, and began to read.

\--

It didn’t feel right when he and Clarke didn’t speak. They had already gone through periods of time where they didn’t speak to each other for ridiculous reasons, but this was different. Their kiss changed everything, and he felt helpless. 

Bellamy just wanted to talk to her and maybe, they could clear up the air. 

It would have been easier if Clarke didn’t dash out of the room every time he entered it, and if Finn wasn’t practically attached to her at all times. 

Not only that, he wanted to talk to her about what Kane came to him about. He valued her opinion over everybody else, and Bellamy wanted to know what she thought. 

He wished he could stop thinking about the kiss. How perfect her lips were against his, how right it felt. He had been staying up at night the past few days, tossing and turning, his thoughts full of his best friend. Bellamy was being a loyal boyfriend to Gina, always listening to her, holding her hand, and driving her to places. But his heart wasn’t in it.

Bellamy wasn’t the kind of person who partied typically, he would usually drink and smoke with his friends. But Gina wanted to go to the party that Roma was throwing, and his friends were going too. He would usually decline but he didn’t want to disappoint Gina, so he said yes.

So there he was, at a stranger’s house, sitting next to his girlfriend on the couch while smoking a joint before passing it to someone on the floor. Gina was talking animatedly to a person on the other side of her. He was too busy staring at nothing, by the time he noticed the recognizable blonde hair tied up in a blue ribbon moving up the stairs. 

Bellamy stood up, and Gina turned to him, a question on her face.

“I just need to use the bathroom.” He said, and that satisfied her enough. He felt guilty for lying to her, but also a small part of him didn’t care. Bellamy just wanted to see Clarke.

He moved through the crowds, and walked up the stairs. He checked the rooms closest to the stairs, and saw that they were occupied by couples, and even throuples having sex. By the last door, Bellamy was flustered. He saw too many body parts of strangers by this point, and this was his last resort.

He opened the door, and saw his best friend sitting on the windowsill, looking out the window. 

Clarke turned to him, and she looked unsurprised that he followed her. There was no light in the room, and there was a red cup next to her legs. She took off her ribbon, it looked like. Her hair was completely down, laying over her shoulders. 

He closed the door behind him, and walked towards her hesitantly. Clarke was silent, watching his every step, before pointing towards the spot across from her. It seemed like an olive branch, or like their cupcakes.

Bellamy took the offer graciously, sitting across from her on the windowsill. His legs were too long to stretch them out, so his thighs were pressed against her knees, his feet on the ground. There were no words spoken in the dark room, just his movements and their breathing. He looked out the window, glancing at the moon high in the sky, then back at her. Her eyes were already on him.

It was reminding him too much of his 17th birthday. Bellamy wondered if she felt the same.

“You drink now?” He asked, pointed towards her red cup.

Clarke laughed, her face blank. He wished he knew what she was thinking, what she was feeling. “Not really. I don’t really like the taste.” She took another sip of the drink, then made a face. Bellamy bit back a smile. “I just don’t get how people like drinking.”

“It’s not about the taste, really. It’s about the feeling you get afterwards.” He shrugged. Clarke raised an eyebrow at him, then passed him his cup. He took the cup, and took a big gulp, then made a face too.

“They got the shitty vodka.” Clarke giggled, the first emotion he had seen on her face since she left Kane’s house on his birthday.

Bellamy smiled after hearing her giggle. He hadn’t heard it in a long time. 

“I miss you.” Bellamy said honestly after her laughter died down, and they were just staring at the other, soft smiles on their face.

Clarke’s eyes softened. “I miss you too, Bellamy.” She bit her lip, looking down at the hands in her lap then back at him. “I just don’t know what to do.” She sounded helpless, and he felt exactly the same.

“Me too.” He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to fix this, but he didn’t know how. It seemed like there was a schism between them now, and they couldn’t find their footing around the other anymore.

She went quiet, and leaned her head against the wall. Clarke closed her eyes, and he took this moment to roam his eyes over her face since he hadn’t seen her in days. She was so heartbreakingly beautiful, and it tore him apart to see her this way. Far away from him even though she was right in front of him.

“Bellamy, I—”

“Clarke—”

They spoke at the same time, and they both shut down, looking at the other. 

“You can go first.” Bellamy offered, giving her the option to speak.

“No, it’s okay.” Clarke declined. “You go.”

“I had a lot to drink that night.” Bellamy started, and she looked at him curiously. He had been practicing in his head lately, so she didn’t have to feel guilty about anything. He was going to lie to her and tell her the kiss didn’t mean anything because Bellamy couldn’t deal with Clarke shutting him out. It was his fault for kissing her and he didn’t want to lose her because of something she regretted. 

“I drank Jasper and Monty’s moonshine. A lot of it, it tasted disgusting, but I had a lot.” He continued. 

“A lot?” She echoed his words, her lips turning into a flat line.

“Yeah. I was drunk.” Bellamy nodded to himself, hoping his face couldn’t give anything away. “You were also really upset, so neither of us were in the right state of mind. It was an accident.”

Clarke was silent, listening to him list more reasons on how their kiss was a mistake. He hated himself. He never lied to Clarke before, but he didn’t want her to hate him. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” She eventually said, biting her lip. Her eyes were guarded, conveying absolutely nothing. He wished he knew what she was thinking because he hated this, not being able to read her. “We didn’t mean it. You were drunk, and Finn freaked me out. I also had a bit to drink too. I guess we just caught in the heat of the moment.” 

Bellamy stayed quiet, listening to her speak. She was repeating the words he said, but it hurt to hear her say it back.

“We didn’t mean it.” He agreed, and she nodded, not looking at him in the eye. “And especially since we’re with other people…” Bellamy drifted off.

“It was a mistake.” Clarke finished it for him, starting to sit up, her back against the window, so her and Bellamy wouldn’t need to face each other anymore.

Bellamy was quiet, unsure on how to approach her. 

“I told Gina.” 

She turned her head to him instantly, shocked. “You did what?” 

He sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. “She just knew actually.” Bellamy shrugged, the feelings of guilt running through his veins as he recalled the conversation in the car. “I didn’t want to lie to her, and I told her it was a mistake.” 

Clarke stared at him, a look in her eyes he couldn’t understand. He thought there were tears in her eyes but she blinked them away suddenly, so he must have imagined it.

“How did she take it?” She asked nervously.

“She took it well enough honestly, she didn’t yell at me or anything, but she was upset.” He hated the heartbreak he saw on Gina’s face because he knew what caused it was him. Gina was such a patient and gentle person, and Bellamy hurt her. “She forgave me even though I didn’t deserve it. She even took me to the museum I've been talking about lately.” 

“The history museum?” Clarke looked away, her voice barely stronger than a whisper. Bellamy had begged Clarke to take him when it would pop up, but Clarke always told him no because of how busy she was, and how she didn’t care much about history. She tried once to get into it for him, but it didn’t matter much to her as it did to him. 

He appreciated that she tried, but he didn’t want to bother her much about it anymore. Clarke already had a lot going on her plate.

  
  


That was the difference between Clarke and Gina. Gina had the same interests as Bellamy, while Clarke didn’t. He and Gina were alike, while Clarke and him were opposites, but they had an understanding of the other. They would listen to the other and try for the other, and never push.

  
  


“Yeah, the history museum.” He smiled at the memories of their date and how Gina began to look at him the same way she used to as the night went on. 

“I’m happy for you.” She replied and turned to him. Clarke was smiling, but it didn’t match her eyes. Before he got the chance to comment on it, Clarke sighed. “Finn doesn’t know.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Bellamy asked curiously. 

“I don’t think so.” She didn’t continue any further. Bellamy looked at her, but stayed silent. He didn’t want Clarke to possibly ruin her relationship for him, even when he hated the guy. “Do you want me to?” She asked him, like she wanted to know what his thoughts were on this. 

“Whatever you choose I’ll be on your side, Clarke. It was a mistake, what happened that night. If you do tell him, and he doesn’t realize that, then he’s stupid.” Bellamy chose his words carefully, watching her take in his words.

Her face slightly fell. “Okay.” 

“Okay.” He echoed.

They sat in silence for the next few minutes, then he remembered what he had been wanting to tell her ever since Kane showed him the college brochures. Bellamy stood up, and jumped off of the windowsill so he could turn on the light in the room. He felt her eyes on his back.

Bellamy turned back to Clarke, seeing her in the light for the first time in a while.

_ Beautiful _ , he thought.

“I have something I've been wanting to show you.” He said, before pulling out the folded Ark U brochure out of his jacket pocket. Clarke looked at him confused before she saw what was in his hands. Her face lit up, and she jumped off of the windowsill, grabbing from the brochure in his hands.

“You’re going to college?” She said proudly, any trace of the looks he couldn’t decipher on her face gone. It seemed like their previous conversation was never held, and they were back to normal.

Bellamy laughed and pulled on his ear awkwardly. “I don’t know yet, but Kane talked to me about colleges. I’m thinking about it though.” He watched her flip through the brochure, her taking in every word written inside. “I heard they have a good social working program.”

She froze, stopping her reading to look up at him. A wide grin formed on her lips. “Are you kidding?”

His ears turned pink. “It is awesome, isn’t it?” He tried to play it off cool, acted like he didn’t care, but Bellamy did. He always dreamt about going to college.

Clarke pulled him into a tight embrace, and he returned it. She always believed in him which was something he deeply appreciated. “Awesome? Bellamy, it’s fantastic!” She said into his ear, practically bursting with energy. Clarke pulled away and looked into his eyes, beaming. “Are you going to apply?”

Bellamy shifted his weight from one foot to the other, clearing his throat. “Well… I don’t know. I have to think about O.” He said, concern written on his face at the thought of his younger sister.

Clarke frowned. “Octavia can take care of herself.” She said softly.

“I know that, but I can’t leave her, Clarke. She’s my sister.” He replied seriously, his eyes flashing. Bellamy didn’t want to leave his sister behind like his mother left them. He would always stay by her side, and put her before him. Octavia was his responsibility, and always would be.

She stared at him in silence, like she was in deep thought. Another thing he hated talking about: his sister. Bellamy knew how Clarke felt about how he would always put his sister first and never think once about how it could cause him pain, but she never said anything. She would just look at him with either a mix of sympathy and pain, and he despised that look. Bellamy wished Clarke could stop treating him like he was something fragile. Like as if he wanted this parental role at such a young age. He didn’t ask for any of it.

“I just think you should try.” Clarke finally said after taking a long consideration of what to say.

Bellamy shook his head, sighing. “You don’t get it, Clarke.”

“Let me try, Bellamy. You can’t watch out for your sister forever. She can handle herself, and you know I’ll be here too to watch out for her when you leave.” She took his hand into hers, and gripped it tightly before letting it go. He instantly missed her touch.

Bellamy stayed quiet. Clarke didn’t move an inch, her eyes still on his.

“Try for me then. If not for you, then try for me.” Clarke begged. There was no one in this world who didn’t know that Bellamy would do anything for his sister and Clarke, and he slightly despised her for taking advantage of his loyalty to her. She knew he couldn’t say no.

“Okay.” He said, his voice low. 

“Okay.” Clarke repeated, looking down at the brochure again and folded it back to how he folded it so she could return it to him. Bellamy grabbed it then put it in his pocket.

She watched him as he did that, biting her lip. He turned to look back at her and he could see the cogs in her head moving, like she tried to decide on what to say next. After a few moments of silence, Bellamy sighed and decided he should go back to his girlfriend if Clarke wasn’t going to say anything. Gina must be waiting.

Bellamy turned to go reach for the doorknob, mumbling  _ I’ll call you later _ before Clarke stopped him.

“Wait.” She started, and he turned to her, questioning.

Clarke opened her mouth then closed it, before opening it again. “Let’s not talk about the kiss again, okay?” 

Bellamy was surprised as that was the first time they mentioned the four letter word at all. It hurt him that she would ask that of him. He already knew he wouldn’t bring it up, but her saying that upset him even further.

“I just…” She held her hands behind her back like she didn’t know what to do with them. “I don’t want Finn to find out. Especially since it was a mistake.” 

He laughed humorlessly, his eyes starting to harden at the mention of her boyfriend’s name.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Clarke.” Those were the last words Bellamy said before he walked out the door, closing it behind him, leaving her alone in the room. As Bellamy descended the stairs, he realized he didn’t ask her where Finn was.

He returned to Gina who was still on the couch. She wasn’t talking to anyone when he walked back to her and she had a worried look on her face. The look disappeared by the time she saw him, immediately replaced by a wide smile.

“Hey!” She said excitedly, taking his hand and pulling him down next to her. Bellamy smiled at her enthusiasm and kept his fingers intertwined with hers.

“Hey.” He replied, also saying hello to the people around them. Miller was now in the circle they were in, drinking coke.

Bellamy looked at the soda in his head curiously, and Miller shrugged. 

  
“Designated driver.” was all he said before he took another big gulp from the soda. Bellamy laughed and returned to look at his girlfriend, who was smiling at him brightly.

“You took a bit.” Gina said and he saw a question in her eyes, like she was trying to figure out what he had done in the past ten minutes. 

“There was a long line for the bathroom.” He waved it off nonchalantly. He did his best to let go of the tension in his face, looking back at Gina in what he hoped was a casual smile. His response seemed to be sufficient for Gina and she sighed in relief, the furrow in her brows smoothing out. It was a logical response, so she couldn’t argue against it, they both knew that.

She nodded and returned to talking to the person next to her once again while stroking his hand with her thumb. Bellamy itched to smoke, or drink because he felt too wrapped up in his thoughts and extremely sober. He was debating whether standing up or not to grab a drink by the time he noticed Miller, staring at them. Not only that, but just at him. 

Miller was looking at him with a questionable look, like he was aware Bellamy lied to Gina. But Miller wouldn’t say anything, he knew how to keep to himself and when to not say a word, so Miller turned away and took another sip of his soda.

Bellamy sat back in his seat comfortably, feeling not so thirsty anymore. Feeling more ashamed by the second as Gina continued to stroke his hand. 

\--

Bellamy and Clarke returned to normal after their conversation in the dark. Or as normal as they could be because there was never a mention of their kiss again.

Gina felt a bit unsure and insecure by their closeness again, and he reassured her by telling her they were just friends.

“She’s my best friend, Gina. Nothing can change that.” He said after Clarke left Kane’s house because Gina arrived at the doorstep so they could work on their homework together, and apparently Clarke had a date with Finn. Bellamy knew he had no right to be jealous, but he was.

“You guys kissed and you two didn’t talk for a week.” Gina responded. He winced slightly because she was right.

“It was a mistake, we didn’t mean it.” Bellamy sighed. It felt like he was getting a headache. “I know this is too much to ask, but can you not mention it again, especially around her? We told each other we won’t mention it again.” He put his work down and looked at her, a pleading look in his eyes.

Gina froze. “Why not?”

“Because she doesn’t want Finn to know.” Bellamy answered, shrugging like it was so simple.

“And why didn’t she tell him?” Gina asked flatly.

“Because it was a mistake!” He replied exasperatedly which was unexpected. It made both of them flinch. He sighed again and took her hand in his, his voice soft. “I’m sorry for kissing her. I swear I mean it when I say it was a mistake. I don’t want anything to change because of a stupid mistake.”

She stared at him for a few moments, biting her lip. She dropped her shoulders as if to release the tension in her body. “Okay.” Gina said quietly, glancing down at their hands then back at him. “I won’t say anything.”

“Okay.” He echoed, before leaning in to kiss her cheek. She fluttered her eyes shut, before opening them once again as he pulled away. They returned to their work gracefully after that, but he knew she was wondering why they hadn’t kissed yet. Bellamy could tell Gina wanted to ask why he kissed Clarke and not her. She didn’t know he hadn’t had his first kiss until Clarke and Bellamy weren't going to tell Gina that she was his first kiss. 

He didn’t want to hurt her any more about it. 

\--

Right after Gina left, Bellamy called Clarke once he was back in his bedroom.

She picked up the phone right after the first ring.

The first thing he heard was her soft chuckle and it made his heart skip a beat. “You know you don’t have to call me, right? You’re literally next door.” Bellamy could practically hear her smile.

“I thought you were on a date.” He refuted. He couldn’t stop himself from grinning too wide, all of his fears and worries fading away just by the sound of her voice. He was glad they were able to return to normal.

“And you thought calling me during my date would’ve been better?” He didn’t really think about that. He didn’t care much about it either, to be fair. “You could’ve just texted.” 

“It’s hard to type on my phone.” He put his phone on speaker, settling it down next to him on the bed.

“It’s because you have a flip phone, dummy. Get an iPhone! I literally had one since it came out.” Not this again. Bellamy groaned. Clarke giggled.

“I am perfectly fine with my flip phone, thank you very much.” He could tell she was probably rolling her eyes at this point. They always argued over this especially since the iPhone came out, but it was mainly teasing. Clarke knew he wouldn’t get an iPhone because of how Bellamy never felt comfortable with luxuries for himself. Even Kane and Octavia would ask him to get an iPhone, but Bellamy always declined each offer. He was comfortable with what he had and didn’t have a desire for any more. He was content already. 

“Enough about that though. What happened to your date?” Bellamy mentioned the date again, genuinely curious. 

Clarke sighed. “Finn cancelled. He told me it was a family emergency.” She sounded disappointed, and he felt bad for her even though a small part of him thankful, which was shitty of him. 

“Do you want me to come over?” Bellamy asked, getting up from his bed, not even bothering with changing out of his pajamas and putting on a jacket instead.

He could hear her nodding her head. “Yes please.”

Bellamy was already out the door before she agreed.

\--

Clarke was waiting for him on her doorstep, sitting on the steps. Her front door was closed, so the only light source they had were the light coming through her windows and the moonlight.

Her face lit up at the sight of him, he was sure the look on his face was the same.

She was wearing her pajamas, her face now clean of makeup, and her hair is flowing over her shoulders. She looked beautiful, he thought.

Bellamy sat down next to her, putting his jacket on her shoulders as he noticed she was shivering.

“Barely been outside for five seconds and you’re already cold.” He said, nudging her shoulder with his.

She scoffed and nudged back harder. “Shut up. Not everybody can be as naturally warm as you.” Clarke responded playfully, sticking her tongue out at him. He stuck his tongue out back. 

Bellamy noticed her parents weren’t home, their cars not in the driveway, but he didn’t mention it to her. She never liked talking about it unless she brought it up first.

“Dad is picking up food, and Mom is working late again.” Clarke shrugged. She answered the question for him because she knew that he noticed it. Bellamy shook his head, she always knew what he was thinking. “How about Kane and Octavia?” She asked.

“Kane is busy working, and Octavia is eating dinner with our mom tonight.” He shrugged, looking up at the sky.

She stared at his face as he kept his gaze on the stars. He swallowed, not wanting to think about how Octavia has been hanging out with their mother more. Octavia was pulling apart from him and he hated it. Bellamy knew it was because of how he was against talking to Aurora, not wanting to listen to her apologies. 

Aurora gave him a birthday present which Octavia handed to him, but he hadn’t opened it yet. He knew Octavia hated him for that. 

“She hates me, I think.” Bellamy said, his tears blinding him. He sniffled, blinking the tears away. “She hates me for not forgiving our mom, but I just can’t, you know? I can’t forgive her after everything she had done to us.”  _ To me _ was unspoken, but they both knew he was thinking it. 

Clarke stayed silent, taking his hand in hers, and leaning her head on his shoulder. He stayed still, not moving his eyes away from the sky. He was too busy with school lately and trying to be a better boyfriend for Gina, that he hadn’t taken the time to take a step back and think about himself. Bellamy was so used to bottling it up, that he forgot that he needed a moment to think about his feelings and let himself be vulnerable. He always thought he didn’t deserve the opportunity to think about himself.

Clarke always gave him the chance to.

“Am I a bad son for not forgiving my mother?” Bellamy asked, not sure if he was asking her or himself, or just to any god who could hear him. His cheeks were wet, and his shoulders were beginning to shake.

Clarke turned her head to kiss his shoulder. “No, Bellamy.” She whispered resolutely. Clarke sounded so sure in herself, and he shook his head, disbelieving.

“She’s my mom, Clarke. She raised me, and I haven’t even talked to her.” Bellamy didn’t know how he was able to talk normally while tears were freely streaming down his face, but he was. “I know she’s an addict and she’s trying to do better, but I can’t—I can’t even look at her.” His voice finally wavered, his throat thick with his pain.

“I think I hate her.” He said honestly, tearing his gaze away from the stars to look down at his hands. His hands were shaking too, and Clarke seemed to have noticed it because she held onto his hands tighter. “Am I a horrible son for that?”

“No, Bellamy. Never.” She tilted her head to look up at him, and Bellamy finally looked back at her. Her eyes were filled with tears. “It’s okay.” 

He shook his head. “It’s not though. What kind of child hates their mother?” 

Clarke started crying too, her head shaking as she listened to him speak. “Bell, no.” Her voice was thick with emotion. “You don’t owe your mom anything. You’re not a horrible son.” She started and Bellamy opened his mouth to argue, but she stopped him.

“You’re the best person I know, Bellamy. Meeting you was the best thing to ever happen to me, and not once in my life have I thought you were a horrible person. Your mother hurt you, Bellamy. She raised you? She never did. You raised yourself, then you raised your sister at the same time. No child should’ve taken that responsibility, but  _ you _ did.” She pointed at his chest, staring at him with wide eyes as she continued speaking. 

“You’re not a horrible son for hating your mom. She’s a horrible mother for doing this to you. You didn’t ask to take on that responsibility, but she forced you to do that. I know she’s an addict and I know she believes she’s doing better, but it doesn’t mean the pain she caused you had disappeared. She hurt you fucking badly, Bell. You don’t need to forgive her. Not after everything she has done.” Her unwavering belief in him made him cry harder. He wished he saw himself the way she saw him, but he couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry that you feel like Octavia hates you. You have done so much for her, and she’s not seeing how special you are. It’s not fair.” Bellamy turned his head sharply, staring at the sky, like it had the answers for him but he couldn’t find the answers he needed. Clarke continued to stare at his face, unmoving. “You are a wonderful person, Bell. And a wonderful brother.”

“Not to Octavia though.” He laughed, but found no humor in the situation. Bellamy sniffled and wiped his face with his free hand.

“To me you are. I see you with her, and you are so good to her. She doesn’t deserve you.” Clarke whispered. “If I could give you the moon, I could.” 

He smiled at that, and glanced down at Clarke. She was smiling back at him, a soft and small one on her face. 

“And I would return it to you if you did.” Clarke laughed, the tears on both of their cheeks drying. 

“Thank you for being my best friend, Clarke.” He whispered, leaning closer to her face to press their foreheads to each other. They closed their eyes simultaneously, breathing at the same time.

“Thank you for existing, Bellamy.” She pulled back to kiss his forehead. His eyes stayed shut until she pulled away, them smiling gratefully at the other. 

Clarke pulled back to finally look at the sky, her mouth opening wide as she looked at the stars above them. This time, Bellamy stayed looking at her, thinking about how beautiful she was.

Clarke blushed and looked away. He then realized he said it aloud.

“You are though. Beautiful.” Bellamy repeated. “I’m sorry your bad haircut of a boyfriend cancelled your date.” He didn’t really mean it and Clarke knew he didn’t mean it either, so she looked at him with a raised eyebrow, face still flushed.

Bellamy chuckled, and she did too. 

“You’re also beautiful, Bell.” Clarke leaned forward to touch his cheek with her hand. “You have so many freckles, it’s hard to draw all of them.” She said, as if to herself.

He was taken aback. “You draw me?”

Clarke seemed to have realized what she said and pulled back. She blushed even harder. “Uh.”

Bellamy was amused. “Let me see them.” He said cheekily, clearly appreciative of the attention.

“Shut up.” Clarke wouldn’t stop blushing and he laughed at her face. She rolled her eyes. “Stop it! It’s not funny. I draw all my friends, okay?” Bellamy raised an eyebrow at that because he knew Clarke only had a handful of friends. He could count them all on one hand. “Stop!” 

He held his hands up in surrender, still laughing. She gave up on trying to make him stop laughing then started to laugh herself.

After their laughter died down, Bellamy looked at her. She was looking back at him. “How do you feel about him cancelling?” He asked. “I know it’s weird for us to talk about our relationships after what … happened, but I want you to know I’m always here for you. I’m your best friend and you can trust me. You can tell me anything.” Bellamy paused when he nearly mentioned their kiss, and he saw that she froze up by how he almost brought it up. 

“I know. You can tell me anything too, Bell.” Clarke nodded, looking down at her hands, and sighed. “I’m okay with it honestly. He has his own stuff going on, and I won’t push him about it. I don’t even tell him what’s going on with my parents. It just sucks because I dressed up, but it’s whatever.” 

Bellamy stayed quiet, listening to her. He didn’t think it was normal for people in relationships to not be honest with the other, and not talk about their homelife, but then again Gina only knew a little bit of his life. Barely even touching the surface, so who was he to judge?

“Yeah, you really do look dressed up.” He looked over her pajamas seriously, before he smiled. She kicked him, and he winced. 

“You’re so annoying.” Clarke said.

“Didn’t you just say I was the best person you know? Did you lie to me, Griffin?” He gasped mockingly. Clarke laughed, shaking her head.

“Shut up, Bellamy! I mean it!” They continued to laugh for a bit, their bodies shaking with laughter, the feelings of pain and heartbreak disappearing as they soaked in the other’s presence. 

Clarke let him be vulnerable, happy, and true to himself whenever he was with her. That was the best thing anyone could give him.

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something before he heard her gasp, pointing at the sky. He turned his head quickly, trying to see what she was looking at.

“A shooting star!” They said at the same time. They had never seen a shooting star before.

“Make a wish, make a wish!” Clarke repeatedly exclaimed, closing her eyes and clasping her hands together. She put her hands under her chin, her face tilted up towards the sky.

Bellamy looked down from the sky to stare at his best friend, and a tender smile formed on his lips. Her eyebrows were knitted closely together, as if she was in deep thought over whatever wish she was seemingly making. The moonlight shone on her face brightly, giving him the chance to take in every part of her face. The beauty mark over her lips, the curve of her nose, her long eyelashes. Her lips curled into a smile.

She was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. He was so lucky to be living on this planet at the same time as her. 

Clarke opened her eyes then turned to him, and he quickly looked away, hoping she didn’t notice he was staring at her.

“Did you make a wish?” She asked, beaming at him.

Bellamy shrugged. “I wouldn’t even know what to wish for.” He lied, and turned to her.

“You’re so boring, Bellamy.” Clarke stood up, and offered her hand to him. Bellamy grabbed her hand and stood up, wincing at his joint cracking. She laughed at him, teasingly calling him an old man.

He would have usually glared at her playfully, but he couldn’t right then. He was too wrapped up in her. Clarke opened her front door and walked inside, still wearing his jacket, and he walked in right after her.

Bellamy knew what he would wish for, but he wouldn’t tell her. At least not yet. Not for a long time.

(It was her. Always her.)

* * *

The next day, Clarke went over to Kane’s place with more pamphlets on Ark U, a document she printed out for applying to colleges, and her painting for him. 

She slid those items across the coffee table for him which Bellamy grabbed graciously. Clarke hid the painting under the items, and he picked it up with a curious expression. She was nervous for his reaction because Clarke never really showed him what she painted; she typically was private and embarrassed about it. 

Abby didn’t even know she painted, and it took her years to tell Jake and Bellamy about it. So her giving him a painting for his birthday, albeit a belated gift, meant something.

She left it on its back, so Bellamy turned the painting and gasped at what he saw. It was a painting of Achilles and Patroclus, her own adaptation of Achilles wrapping Patroclus’ wound. Bellamy always thought their relationship was the most interesting while reading  _ The Iliad _ , and was intrigued by the devotion the two men had towards one another. Bellamy was surprised Clarke knew anything about them since he had always suspected she turned him out whenever he would bring up Greek mythology. He thought that she must have believed that buying him a copy of the book in the past was all she needed to do, but it seemed like she did care and listened to him the whole time.

The painting was beautiful, and on a small canvas. The background was full of grey and black while Patroclus and Achilles were in color, the bandages on Patroclus’ arm was red, instead of being the pale color it would typically be. The red bandages were extended, wrapped around Patroclus’ arm and held by Achilles, and surrounded them in a circle, protecting from the darkness surrounding the two.

Bellamy was speechless, staring at the painting for a few minutes in silence. The detail she put into it blew him away. 

“I know you love mythology, and Achilles and Patroclus. But I wanted to do some further research on it, and I ended up researching mythology in general because of how interesting it was.” Clarke babbled nervously, pulling at the ribbon on her wrist.

He looked up at her in awe. “You researched Greek mythology for me?”

She was flustered. “At first I did, but I ended up reading some more mythology because it was in a big book about mythology and legends in general at the library. I read Greek, Roman, Chinese, and even Filipino!” Clarke turned away, embarrassed. 

Bellamy was pretty sure the adoration in his eyes were blinding, as he stared at his best friend. She took time out of her day to work on this painting for him even though Clarke was private about her art, and she also spent time researching mythology for him so it would turn out perfect. Not only that, she even read about some Filipino myths. 

His heart melted.

“Thank you.” Bellamy said honestly, touching her thigh with his left hand before pulling away to look down at the painting again. He used his finger to follow the brush strokes of the extended red bandage, that looked akin to a ribbon surrounding Achilles and Patroclus. He was sure he read something about a red string before in mythology, but Bellamy couldn’t remember what it was.

Clarke stopped him from his thoughts as he stared down at the painting with furrowed eyebrows, trying to figure out what the name of it was. “Okay, now look at the pamphlets!” She said anxiously, shoving the pamphlets and papers in his face. 

He laughed and set the painting down, and would try to figure out what the red ribbon meant later. Bellamy picked up the pamphlets and read through the paragraphs, and the other items she brought him about Ark U.

“It’s in New York City, so it is far away.” Clarke started, watching him look through what she gave him. She was tilting her head towards her left side, which was what she typically did when she had something exciting to say. She seemed excited about this, that was for sure.

“Yeah, it’s across the country.” He said, his heart hurting at the thought of possibly leaving his sister behind in California. Not only that, he would be leaving Clarke too.

“But NYC is beautiful, and it would be a new change in environment. A lot of big buildings and all of that.” She said, listing more reasons on why New York City could be perfect for Bellamy.

He gave her a look. “I don’t care much about cities.”

“But you have always said you wanted to leave Arkadia, haven’t you? You always hated this place, and said you would move away.” She argued pointedly.

“I said that when I was fourteen years old and mad at the world.” Bellamy rebutted. 

“Aren’t you still?” Bellamy grumbled at that.

Clarke smiled at his reaction but then the amusement in her eyes disappeared, a serious expression taking over her face. She sat up straight, and moved closer to him. “I mean it, Bell. This is your chance. They have a brilliant sociology program, and I also found out that they have a good pre-med program!” Clarke said excitedly, scooting towards him so their thighs would be touching, as she looked down at the papers in his hand.

“I thought you didn’t want to get into medicine. You always told me about how you wanted to pursue art.” He asked her, confused. 

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I was twelve.”

“And I was fourteen talking about moving away.” Bellamy replied. “Did you see if they have a good arts program?” 

She bit her lip then nodded, not looking at him in the eye. “Yeah, I read they have a good arts program too, so.” Clarke shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

“If you want to pursue art still, you can double major if you like.” He said since it was a logical idea.

“They’re totally different degrees and I would be in school for too long.” She remarked, clearly agitated by this change of subject in conversation.

“Well, you’d be in school for a long time because of how you’re getting in the hospital field. What difference would this make?” Bellamy argued.

Clarke turned away from him, upset. They both knew why she didn’t want to pursue art. It was her mom.

“Your mom shouldn’t be living her life through you, Clarke.” He said kindly, looking at the side of her face. “If you don’t want to do what she wants you to, you don’t have to. Don’t let her control you.”

She looked at him sharply. “It’s not that simple.”

“It could be, you could easily tell her no. But if you don’t want to upset your mom, you can just double major so you can do what you want to do while also doing what your mom wants you to do.” It did make sense, and Clarke couldn’t argue against that really. “That doesn’t mean it’ll be something I want you to do because I just want you to choose something that makes you happy.”

Her eyes softened. “And I want that for you too, Bellamy. You shouldn’t be staying here because of how you feel obligated to. Go to school and do what you always wanted to do. I know you want to help children, and I believe that you can. You deserve something for you.” Clarke said in a tender voice, touching his hand.

“I feel selfish if I do.” Bellamy said brokenly, knowing she was right, but he didn’t believe he deserved it at all.

“It’s okay to be selfish. You always put others ahead of you, especially your sister. Do this for you.” Bellamy sighed, looking down at her hand in his before standing up, running his hand through his hair.

“How about this...” Clarke began, her voice returning to its normal octave. “You go to Ark U, major in sociology, while I stay here and take care of your sister. Then when I graduate, I go to Ark U as well and double major. Octavia can come two years later which is by the time you and I could get an apartment together. She can stay with us.”

Bellamy chuckled. “A bit presumptuous, aren’t you? Expecting this all could happen and we would live in an apartment together.”

She rolled her eyes. “Shut up. Obviously we’ll be going together, and getting a place together. Wherever you go, I’ll follow.” Clarke brushed it off like the words she said weren’t something serious. His heart stuttered.

He looked at her, sitting on the couch so comfortably, and he prayed to every god that Bellamy would continue to be the most selfless person in the world if that meant Clarke and he would always be together, boyfriends and girlfriends be damned. 

“Okay.” He said after a few moments of silence, ignoring the impatient look on her face.

“Okay?!” Clarke said surprised, jumping up from the couch. He nodded and she jumped into his arms excitedly, wrapping her legs around his waist. Bellamy laughed, shocked by the impact but instantly wrapping his arms around her small frame.

“We’re going to New York together!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands up joyfully.

They were too busy celebrating that they didn’t notice Octavia and Kane returned from picking her up from soccer practice.

Bellamy and Clarke froze. He dropped her, and Clarke took it in stride. She adjusted her shirt, standing next to Bellamy as they looked at Kane and Octavia staring at them from the big door frame.

“What’s this?” Kane asked, a knowing smile tugging on his lips. Octavia had a suspicious look on her face, and something else that Bellamy couldn’t understand. Something too reflective of their mother.

“Nothing.” They said at the same time, awkwardly eying each other before turning back to Kane and Octavia. 

“Didn’t look like nothing to me.” Octavia said rudely, her arms folded over her chest.

Bellamy was about to make up a lie, but then Clarke spoke up. “We were talking about attending Ark U together.” He had to prevent a wince. He didn’t want Octavia to know about it yet.

Kane grinned widely, clapping his hands together. “Really? That’s amazing, you guys!” He said proudly, a pleased look in his eyes. Octavia’s eyes narrowed.

“Isn’t that all the way in New York?” She asked, tilted her head accusingly.

“Yes.” Bellamy nodded.

“So you’re going to leave us? Leave mom?” Octavia continued interrogating him. The anger coming off of her in waves. “What the fuck, Bellamy? You’re so selfish.” 

Kane chastised her for cursing, and Clarke gasped at Octavia’s rudeness. Her initial shock quickly disappeared, and her eyes hardened. 

“Don’t you dare call Bellamy selfish, Octavia. He has done and given up everything for you. I know you’re in middle school but you don’t have to be a fucking bitch to your brother.” Clarke defended Bellamy, stepping forward.

Bellamy didn’t know how to react. He didn’t expect his little sister to say something mean to him, and calling him selfish for wanting to go to college. And on top of that, mentioning their mother. And now Clarke was cursing, and calling his little sister a bitch.

“Don’t call my sister a bitch, Clarke.” He ignored the hurt in her face as he quickly came to his sister’s defenses. Bellamy always would put his sister first, even when he cared about Clarke a lot too, she always knew that he would put his sister before everything.

“Bellamy, she called you selfish for thinking about your future.” Clarke said, trying to talk some sense into him. 

“She’s right, I need to focus on us, and my mom.” He hated himself.

“You haven’t even talked to your mom in weeks!” She said, betrayed. Clarke was looking at him like she didn’t even know him, and it hurt.

“And that’s because he’s selfish!” Octavia added. “He won’t forgive our mom because he’s a selfish asshole!”

“Octavia, stop calling him that.” Kane said, pulling Octavia back. He also seemed in shock, not expecting this behavior from Octavia. He looked at Bellamy apologetically. “Let him decide for himself.”

“He hasn’t been thinking about any of us, Kane! He’s too busy with his girlfriend, or moping about Clarke because they fight all the time. And now he wants to move to New York? He’s being selfish!” Octavia was practically stomping, her screams echoing through the house. Kane was trying to hold her back, making her stop from moving around because she couldn’t control her body movements. 

Bellamy was looking at them helplessly. Clarke looked like she wanted to hit his little sister, and was standing in front of Bellamy as if shielding him from his sister.

He didn’t need protecting. His sister did.

“Kane, let her go.” Bellamy demanded.

“What?” Kane asked, bewildered.

“What?” Clarke said, turning to him shocked.

“Let her go.” He repeated. 

Bellamy walked towards his sister and Kane, and took his little sister in his arms. After attempting to fight back during her struggle in Kane’s grip, Octavia went into Bellamy’s arms pliantly. He had to bend down slightly, wrapping his sister into a tight embrace. She was still calling him names, screaming at him, before she finally calmed down. He felt her tears on his back. 

“Don’t leave me.” Octavia begged, her face in his shoulder.

Bellamy’s heart broke because of multiple things. The way his sister was calling him selfish for not forgiving their mom. He was sure that Aurora was saying shit about him to her, so he couldn’t even be upset about her words. She didn’t mean any of it. And Bellamy realized Octavia thought he was abandoning her.

“Never.” He promised. 

Kane was standing next to them, unsure on what to do. Bellamy realized he hadn’t hugged his sister in a while, putting school, Gina, and Clarke more of a priority lately. He had been too distracted by everything else that he didn’t realize Octavia needed him. 

_ Clarke _ . 

Bellamy looked up, and saw Clarke standing behind the couch. She was staring at them, a stricken look on her face and also something else.

He whispered to Kane that he was going to take his sister to her room since her sobs subsided. Octavia was quickly falling asleep in his arms, so her shaking stopped. Kane nodded, telling him to do whatever he thought was best. Before he went up the stairs, Bellamy told Clarke he would call her later. Clarke’s look on her face disappeared, a neutral face replacing it. He hated that look. 

Clarke nodded, then grabbed her stuff, leaving behind the pamphlets on the couch. She walked towards the front door and Bellamy watched her, hating this. Clarke turned to him before she walked out the door.

“You’re not selfish, Bellamy. Don’t listen to your sister. You deserve to be happy. Do what you think is right for you, not for anyone else.” He thought she was beginning to cry, but she walked out the door before he saw the wetness on her cheeks.

Bellamy was murmuring reassuring words in his little sister’s ears as he ascended up the stairs, stroking her long hair. He didn’t know where this aggressive part of her came from, and it worried him. He couldn’t leave her if she was like this.

He laid Octavia on her bed, letting her under the covers and fluffing her pillows. It wasn’t until he left her bedroom that he realized the other emotion on Clarke’s face.

Concern.

\--

Bellamy planned to call Clarke that night, but he never got the chance to. Octavia woke up a few hours later, and for some reason, she acted like her small breakdown never happened. It scared him, seeing her like this.

“Are you okay?” He asked her the thousandth time and she shot him an annoyed look. Kane also looked concerned, but he knew Bellamy could handle it.

“Yes, Bell, I’m fine. Seriously.” Octavia played around with the vegetables on her plate with a fork, everything else finished. Bellamy offered her his plate, and she then pushed her untouched vegetables onto his, and used her spoon to take the meat and rice off of his plate. 

Octavia took his food without asking now because she was so used to him always giving her food. He didn’t mind, even if he didn’t like vegetables that much, he was okay with it.

(Clarke was never okay with it. Whenever Octavia turned around, Clarke and he would share food, always having equal portions, no matter how many times Bellamy would offer her more.)

“Octavia, you had a breakdown. You nearly punched Kane because of it.” Bellamy said slowly, being cautious with his words so he wouldn’t trigger her.

Octavia looked at Kane with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m okay, kiddo. You just scared us.” Kane reluctantly said, his voice calm and serious.

Octavia groaned and threw her head back dramatically. “I literally said I’m fine! Stop coddling me. I’m thirteen, let me be!” She whined.

“That’s not normal thirteen years old behavior, O.” Bellamy replied, his eyebrows closely knitted together.

“And it’s not normal to be obsessed with your best friend when you have a girlfriend, and yet you don’t see me lecturing you about it!” She said snarkily, narrowing her eyes at him.

Bellamy sighed, rubbing his hands over his face.

“It’s especially not normal to ignore the woman who gave birth to you, and think it’s okay to move across the country, leaving all of us behind.” Octavia gritted her teeth, practically vibrating with anger.

He ignored the hurt he felt, and hopefully he was able to obscure the hurt from his face by keeping a neutral expression. “You know why I won’t talk to her, she left us. Which is why I am never leaving you.” Bellamy said pointedly.

“She came back! She wants to apologize, and you won’t listen to her!”

“Octavia, calm down. It’s late and you had a long day, okay? I had to pick you up because you got kicked off of the team.” Kane spoke up, rubbing his temples.

Bellamy turned his head, staring at his little sister in shock. Octavia groaned again and raised her hands up in surrender.

“I didn’t do it! It was that girl, Bree! Her cousin, Echo, got me kicked off!” She defended herself. Bellamy’s eyes widen at the mention of Echo.

“Echo got you kicked off?” He asked, stunned.

“Yeah. Bree was mad I’m better than her because I was supposed to be team captain, so she had to have told Echo. Echo then made up lies about how I do drugs in the locker room, and said I got it from our mom. She literally put weed in my bag!” Octavia complained, obviously upset and hurt by how Echo brought up their mom.

Bellamy was fuming. No one could hurt his little sister like this. He wanted to protect her from everything, and he was too busy being selfish and focusing too much on his ridiculous love life.

“I’ll talk to her. She shouldn’t get away with this.” Bellamy said confidently, anger running through his veins. 

Octavia looked at him gratefully for the first time in weeks.

“Thank you, big brother.”

Kane was watching them the whole time, silent. Calculating. 

\-- 

It was before he went to bed, did he remember that he left behind the pamphlets Clarke brought him and the painting she made. 

He walked into the living room, and looked at all of the items. Bellamy sighed, rubbing his eyes, feeling exhausted from the events that occurred. Bellamy picked the painting gently, and walked to his room, leaving the pamphlets and papers behind.

He hung up the painting over the bed and gazed over it appreciatively. He didn’t understand the meaning behind the extended red wrap, but he didn’t want to put any thought in it right then.

Bellamy had an emotionally draining day, he would rather just sleep on it.

* * *

Bellamy avoided Clarke for a few days after that, which was strange because they wanted to stop avoiding each other because of everything that happened between them. However, this was different. 

He knew that she had an opinion on what happened between him and Octavia. Bellamy wasn’t stupid; he was aware Clarke’s kind thoughts about Octavia are now tainted. It was ironic though as Octavia was originally Clarke’s friend, now it was him.

It was during his free period when he saw her again, he was in the library with his friends while Gina was in her own class. Clarke was alone, no Finn in tow, and she was walking towards him like she was on a mission. Her hair was halfway up, his favorite look on her, the ends of her blue ribbon laying over her shoulders.

“Oh shit.” Were the only words that came out of his mouth which distracted whatever sentence Miller was saying to Monty.

“What?” Miller asked. 

Murphy laughed, looking at who was coming towards them, specifically Bellamy. “Hey, Bellamy, I think someone’s here for you. She’s short, has blonde hair, and looks like she wants to yell at you. Ever heard of her?”

His friends all laughed at that, except Monty who looked concerned. Bellamy rolled his eyes, flipping Murphy off. He left his friends, moving over to Clarke who stopped at one of the bookshelves. She was wearing the lanyard of the bathroom pass around her neck, staring at Bellamy. He was pretty sure she hadn’t blinked once. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, moving around her so his friends couldn’t watch them.

“Hey.” He said.

Clarke’s eyes widened, her mouth opening in shock. “Hey?! That’s all you can say to me after ignoring my texts and calls for days? A hey?” She said loudly, which earned her a loud shush from the librarian.

Clarke got quiet, feeling embarrassed and apologized to the librarian, a polite smile on her face. She turned back to Bellamy, glaring at him. 

“I’ve been busy.” He mumbled, looking at everything that wasn’t her.

“Doing what?” Clarke whispered angrily. “Ignoring me but somehow got the time to yell at Echo for an hour straight after school?”

“No, I just–” Bellamy rubbed a hand over his face, sighing. “I’m not ignoring you and Echo deserved it.” He ignored the face Clarke made at that and continued. 

“I’m just embarrassed, okay? What happened with Octavia…” He drifted off, not wanting to be reminded of what happened with his sister.

Clarke’s shoulders relaxed, and her eyes softened. She was now looking up at Bellamy with worry and sympathy, which was worse than anger. “That wasn’t your fault, Bell.” She said gently. “I just want to talk to you about what happened, okay? You shouldn’t feel embarrassed for something that wasn’t your fault.”

“It feels like it is. She’s my sister, and she’s scared I’m going to leave her. That’s my fault.” Bellamy replied self-loathingly, feeling upset at himself once again. He hated himself for making Octavia upset, and believing that he was going to leave her. He would never do that to her, not everything they had been through. 

“No, Bellamy, no.” Clarke’s tone was serious, and she touched his face to make him look at her. Her eyes were wide, sorrowful. Torn.

“It is though, Clarke. I shouldn’t have even thought about college anyways. How can I go to school if Octavia is my responsibility?” 

“She’s  _ not _ your responsibility.” 

“Yes she is!” He exclaimed which was what caused the other students in the library and the librarian to look at them, which earned him a shush from the librarian. Bellamy sighed and lowered his voice, looking down at his feet. “She’s my sister, Clarke. I can’t leave her, okay? I’m not going to leave her like our mom left us.”

Clarke stared at him with her mouth wide open, like she was unsure of what to say. She was shaking her head vigorously as she continued to listen to him. Her eyes were beginning to tear up, and it hurt him to see her cry over him. Bellamy wiped her tears with his thumb, and Clarke laughed humorlessly, moving her hand on his face over to his hand on hers. She closed her eyes for a second, leaning into his touch before fluttering her eyes open. They put their hands at their sides, and stared at each other for a few moments before she spoke up again.

“I should be the one comforting you.” She said, ashamed. 

“I don’t need any comfort.” He responded kindly.

Clarke looked appalled by his words. “Yes, you do. Octavia doesn’t deserve you, not after what she said to you.”

Bellamy was taken aback. “Don’t say that about O. She’s my sister.”

“And I’m your best friend! I know you love her, Bellamy, but what she said to you was cruel. I don’t care that she’s thirteen, she shouldn’t be saying that. You deserve to live your life and be happy, and she’s trying to trap you.” Clarke argued, getting more upset as she continued speaking. 

Bellamy shook his head, his jaw clenching. “She’s not trying to do anything, Clarke. She’s been through a lot.”

“You’re the one who has been through a lot, remember? She barely even remembers anything, but  _ you _ do!” If she was like Octavia, she would’ve started stomping, Bellamy thought. But instead Clarke was frozen, her words are the only thing showing her anger and frustration, while everything else about her gave off a cool presence. The opposite of his sister, who showed everything she felt through her face and body. Whenever Octavia felt something, she felt it through her entire body, controlling every aspect of her, shaking her to the core. 

Just like Bellamy. 

He was getting irritated by this conversation which was why he decided to avoid her for the past few days because he knew this was going to happen. “Stop it, Clarke. Just stop. She’s  _ my  _ sister,  _ my  _ responsibility. So stop telling me what to do.” Bellamy spat out.

Clarke was surprised as he hadn’t got upset at her in years, the last time was when she refused to fake-marrying him. Bellamy was surprised by the way he was acting too, and sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Just leave it alone, okay? This isn’t your business.” He said quietly, contrasting the anger he just had the few seconds before.

She looked at him, like she wanted to argue. Her eyes were beginning to tear up again, but she blinked them away to stop them from coming out.

“I want you to be happy, Bell.” Clarke spoke up after staying silent, looking straight, and not into his eyes.

“I am happy, Clarke.”

“Are you?” She questioned him. “I know you have Gina, and me, and your friends. But I see what your mom has been doing to you, and now there’s Octavia. Are you really happy?” 

Bellamy hated thinking about himself. He hated thinking about his feelings, and he knew he should, but he hated his feelings. He was so used to putting Octavia first, and after what happened with her, he needed to put her first again. She felt abandoned by him, and he hated himself for it.

It didn’t care if it hurt him or not, what mattered to him was his sister’s happiness. His happiness be damned.

“Yes.” He lied. 

Clarke finally looked at him, looking between his eyes like she was trying to find out if he was lying or not. She knew he was, but Bellamy was looking down at her, telling her not to push. She wouldn’t push if he asked, they both knew that. Clarke cared about him first and foremost, and if he told her to stop, she would listen. Even when she wouldn’t want to.

“Okay.” She said, resigned. Clarke took a step back, putting distance between them.

“Okay.” He echoed, feeling extremely drained by the conversation they just had.

The bell rang which signalled the period was over.

“I have to get back to class and return the bathroom pass.” Clarke’s face was blank, guarding whatever emotions she was feeling.

“Okay.” Bellamy repeated.

Clarke opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, shaking her head. She turned, beginning to walk away before looking back at him.

“You’re not happy, Bellamy. I know you love your sister, and you believe she’s your responsibility, but I promise she isn’t. You deserve to put yourself first, and I know you want to go to college. Octavia might be your sister, but I’m your best friend, and I know you. You deserve to leave this town, go to college, and every good thing in this world. I don’t know anyone else in this world who deserves it more than you.” She said it so resolutely, her eyes flashing with an emotion he couldn’t understand before turning around again and leaving him behind. 

Bellamy sighed, and threw his head back against the books on the bookshelves. He put his face in his hands, ignoring the shuffling of other students around him.

“Are you okay?” He perked up, and saw Monty looking at him at the end of the section. He was holding his backpack, and offered it to him, which Bellamy thanked him for while grabbing it.

“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” Bellamy replied, giving Monty a polite smile.

Monty looked at him incredulously. “Okay…” It seemed like Monty wanted to push further about it, but he instead decided to change the subject. “Well, we gotta go. We’re going to get late for stats. We have that test, remember?” 

Bellamy nodded, they started to head out the library together, Monty informing him what the test would be on.

The test was the least of his worries, but it was a good distraction, at least.

* * *

Clarke didn’t bring it up to him again which he was grateful for.

The next day, she gave him a red velvet cupcake as a peace offering, and they split it evenly as they always did. 

But she would always look at him worriedly every time she came over, and whenever he wasn’t looking, Clarke and Octavia would glare at the other. They do it behind his back, but he knew it was happening. Bellamy wasn’t stupid. 

Bellamy didn’t want to think about it, not when he was busy with school and volunteering. 

And his sixth month anniversary with Gina was coming soon, albeit also Clarke’s sixth month anniversary with Finn was coming soon too. Since they ended up dating the other on the same day.

He didn’t want to think about that either because whenever he thought about them dating other people, he would get reminded of their kiss. So it was best to not think about it at all then.

Gina and Bellamy still hadn’t kissed yet, too, now that he was thinking about kisses. Gina never pushed him on it but she must have still been questioning why they hadn’t kissed. On top of that, he kissed his best friend on his birthday and not her.

He hated himself for what he was doing to her, and Bellamy didn’t deserve her at all. Gina was patient, gentle, and kind, and she even loved greek mythology as much as he did. She literally brought him to a history museum for his birthday after he cheated on her. 

Bellamy didn’t deserve her at all, but he didn’t want to lose her.

Gina was the one thing in his life that wasn’t aware of how shitty his life was. She heard rumors about him, but she didn’t know the truth. Gina wasn’t even aware of how his mom overdosed because she thought they were rumors.

He was thankful for that.

Bellamy wanted her to keep seeing him that way. The nerdy boyfriend who was good to his sister, and was loyal to his best friend. The boyfriend that laughed with her every time they watched shitty movies together, and held her hand while he drove her to places, and picked her up after work.

(He tried to forget how she also saw him as the boyfriend who cheated on her.) 

He didn’t want to lose her because she was the one person who had never felt pity for him. So he would always hate himself for what he did to her.

Bellamy and Gina were at the mall after school one day, him holding her bags of clothes she was buying because she got a big paycheck that week and wanted to treat herself. He was perfectly okay with also being the boyfriend that would wait for his girlfriend at the stores, holding all of the shopping bags.

“Do I look okay?” She asked him, twirling around as she was wearing a dress from one of the stores.

“You look pretty.” He said honestly, smiling softly at her. Gina blushed at the compliment.

“Thank you, kind sir.” She curtsied jokingly, and Bellamy laughed. 

“You’re welcome, madam.” He curtsied back, tapping the invisible hat on his head.

Gina laughed, the same loud laugh as hers, and he smiled widely at her laugh, always not expecting it but wanting to hear it every time when he was around her.

Yeah, he didn’t want to lose this.

\--

They were eating at the food court, sharing an ice cream cone when he saw Clarke and Finn walking by.

Gina didn’t notice them, talking animatedly about something that she had seen in a movie recently while licking their ice cream. Bellamy was too distracted staring at the couple, not hearing a single word she said.

Finn was saying something to Clarke, and she laughed, throwing her head back at whatever joke he made. Jealousy spread through Bellamy’s chest, hating that someone that wasn’t him was making Clarke laugh like that. Finn sure was preening at her laughing too, probably thinking he was the funniest person.

_ DIckhead _ , Bellamy thought to himself. He was thinking about strangling Finn for looking down Clarke’s top that he wasn’t even realizing Finn was pulling Clarke into a kiss.

Bellamy froze.

Clarke was kissing him back, and Bellamy felt like he was going to be sick. 

(That should be  _ him _ . He should be the one making her laugh, he should be the one taking her to the mall and holding her hand, and holding all her bags. He should be the one kissing her. Not Finn.)

“Bellamy?” Gina interrupted him from his thoughts.

Bellamy shook his head, staring at Gina, a regretful look on his face because she noticed he didn’t pay attention to anything she said.

It didn’t seem like she noticed Clarke and Finn though.

“You okay?” She asked, taking his hand with concern written on his face.

Fuck, he was a shitty boyfriend.

“Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind. I have to cram a lot of studying tonight because of my test for AP Psych tomorrow.” Bellamy lied, saying the first thing that came to his mind.

Gina nodded sympathetically, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. “That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

The next few hours, Bellamy continued the day on autopilot. He was responding and talking to Gina, but he didn’t feel like he was himself. He felt like a robot and Gina didn’t seem to notice it, which was a good thing. 

When it came to dropping her off, Bellamy did the thing he usually did, and walked her to her doorstep, but before she entered her house, he grabbed her hand.

Gina looked at him, confused. “What’s wrong?” Her brow was raised.

Bellamy swallowed, not knowing where the urge to kiss her came from, but he knew he had to. He was at a loss for words, unsure of what to do before he pulled her into his arms. 

Gina was surprised by their proximity, opening her mouth to say something before Bellamy spoke up.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly, looking into her eyes before glancing down at her lips. She looked down at his, and smiled.

“You don’t need to ask.” She whispered before pulling him into a kiss. He kissed her back, deepening the kiss. 

He was unsure on how they kissed on her porch, but after they pulled away, she looked like she was in daze. Gina’s curls were messier and her lips looked thoroughly kissed.

Bellamy was sure he looked the same.

“Wow.” Gina said, her eyes glowing.

“Wow.” He echoed, hating that he still felt unsure about what just happened.

“It’s a good thing I waited for that.” She said cheekily, and Bellamy laughed. 

“Sorry for making you wait so long.” He replied, his cheeks pink. 

Gina shook her head, her smile widening. “That’s okay. You’re a good kisser, so it’s okay.” 

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

They were looking at the other in silence for the next few seconds, Gina beaming at him and Bellamy smiling back, but unable to ignore that feeling of wrongness in his chest.

“I’m going to go.” He spoke up, pointing towards his car. “I have that test to study for.”

Gina gasped like she forgot about it completely. “I’m so sorry for wasting your time!” She continued to apologize, and Bellamy shook his head because it wasn’t her fault.

“It’s not your fault.” He said. “I really enjoyed our date and it wasn’t a waste of my time at all. I had a really good night with you.” Bellamy sounded serious, the smile on his face not wavering. 

She giggled and leaned her head against her doorframe.

“Okay…Text me once you get home safely, okay?” 

“Of course.” They were silent again. He was unsure of what to do after this. What was the protocol after kissing your girlfriend on her front porch after months of her waiting because you were too busy obsessing over your best friend?

Bellamy was sure there was none.

“Well, I’m gonna go. Goodnight.” Bellamy said, starting to walk down the porch steps.

Before he disappeared from her sight, Gina called out after him.

“I had a great night too, Bellamy! Thank you.” Her porch light was making her glow and it made him grin at how beautiful she looked under it.

“I’m glad!” He responded. “Thank you for letting me kiss you.”

Gina laughed, her laugh echoing through the neighborhood since it was complete silence except for them.

“No, thank  _ you _ !”

Bellamy chuckled at her response, watching her walk inside her house and closing the door behind her. He sighed after she was gone, and walked into his car, putting the key into the ignition.

The kiss was nice, Bellamy thought. But it didn’t feel right. The whole time during their kiss, he thought about  _ her  _ and how  _ her  _ lips moved against his, and his hands against her skin as he itched to feel every part of her. He was too busy comparing his kiss with Gina to his kiss with Clarke’s that he didn’t really take the time to enjoy it. 

Bellamy groaned, leaning his head against the wheel.

He wished he could stop thinking about Clarke. And stop being such a shitty boyfriend.

\--

After their first kiss, it suddenly became so easy for Bellamy and Gina to kiss. They weren’t the type of couple that would make out in the hallways, but they would always be holding the other’s hand while walking in the hallway. After school, they would meet where his car parked or where her car was parked, and that would be when they would share a quick kiss. 

He was pretty sure their friends noticed a change in their dynamic too. They would be more affectionate around the other, but in a way where they would always be touching the other. Whether it would be her hand on his knee, or his arm around her shoulders. 

Bellamy’s friends at school weren’t the only ones that noticed.

There are rare moments where Bellamy and Gina would kiss during school hours, and unfortunately, Clarke saw one of the very few rare moments. 

It was a quick peck, he didn’t even realize he was leaning down to kiss her until he did. When he pulled away, all he saw were Gina’s bright eyes, but then he looked up and saw Clarke staring right at them, across the hallway. He saw a flash of betrayal in her eyes, but that quickly disappeared when Finn walked up behind her. 

Bellamy and Clarke didn’t really talk about their romantic relationships to the other which was sort of a given ever since they made a deal to not talk about their kiss again. Somehow, when it would be only them two, they would forget about Gina and Finn. It felt like it would only be them again.

So Clarke seeing them kiss at school of all places, he could tell it ruined the shared delusion they have. It wasn’t unfair for her to look betrayed though, she was the one who started this whole debacle. 

(Bellamy was also the one to blame. He did tell her the kiss was a mistake.)

Bellamy was unsure on how, but ever since Clarke saw them kiss, he and Clarke entered sort of… a competition.

Bellamy and Gina would kiss more whenever Clarke was near (Gina was unaware of Clarke’s presence, but he always would be), and whenever Clarke saw Bellamy, she would pull Finn down into a kiss. Typically a make out session which would make the students around them look at them in disgust, Bellamy included. He was sure Clarke didn’t like it either because every time she pulled away, her nose would do the wrinkle that she used every time she tasted something gross, but then she would look at him and smirk.

He didn’t know how they ended up here, but they did. It was childish and immature, and it could be easily fixed if they would just talk, but Bellamy wouldn’t be the one to lose first. They were playing with fire, and it was wrong of them to do this and he knew that they both were aware of it, but they couldn’t help it. 

Bellamy and Clarke also had a silent agreement that they wouldn’t bring it up to the other, this game they were playing. They would still talk the same, no changes and no discomfort, but there was something heated between them now. They were entering territory that they shouldn’t be entering, but nothing was stopping them. They touch each other more, not in the way he would touch Gina, but in a different way. Clarke’s hand would be on Bellamy’s thigh while they would be sitting in his living room, or he would be touching the back of her neck, and stroking it slowly with his finger when they would be alone in her room, reveling in her shiver.

(He really was a shitty boyfriend.)

Clarke would look at him after that, biting her lip and he would look back at her. A challenge. Neither of them were going to give in, not after everything that happened between them, but they would continue to edge that possibility, trying to see what the other would do next.

But something or some _ one  _ would interrupt them.

“What are you doing?” Octavia asked from behind the couch. Bellamy and Clarke looked up, bewildered. Clarke was on top of him and she was holding one of the throw pillows because she was hitting him with it for taking the remote from her. 

Clarke moved off of him instantly, tossing the throw pillow towards his direction which he would subtly use to cover his lap. Octavia’s eyes were narrowed at them, but specifically at Clarke. They would never be able to see eye to eye again, not after what Octavia said to Bellamy.

“We were watching a movie.” Bellamy said calmly, wanting his racing heartbeat to slow down.

“With Clarke on top of you and you laying down?” Octavia’s tone was still accusing, a tick in her jaw. Her hatred for Clarke was obvious and she would let it be known now. 

Clarke laughed harshly, rolling her eyes. She was upset, Bellamy knew this, but Clarke wouldn’t say anything because of how she didn’t want to hurt Bellamy’s feelings about arguing with his little sister again. His sister, on the other hand, would pick an argument out of anything. He turned back to his sister again, speaking slowly. “I took the remote from her and she got annoyed. Nothing was happening.”

Octavia wouldn’t stop glaring at them, her arms folded over her chest. “Okay so if I told Gina your best friend was on top of you, on a couch, with no supervision, she would be okay with it?”

He sighed, he didn’t want to deal with this right now. “O, nothing was happening. She was just fighting me for the remote, this is literally what friends do all the time.” He loved his sister more than anything, but it was so difficult to talk to her sometimes. She never saw reason.

“Yeah, right.  _ Friends _ .” Octavia scoffed, shaking her head. “I literally just came here to tell you that Kane wants to talk to you. Alone, no  _ friends  _ allowed.” She looked at Clarke with a snarl. Clarke smiled politely, not matching her eyes at all. Octavia turned around to walk upstairs to head to her room. Clarke flipped off her retreating figure. 

Bellamy put his hand over Clarke’s, shaking his head but a smile was on his lips. “Hey, that’s my sister.” He chuckled, feeling thankful for Clarke’s humor in this situation. He and her were having a good time, but his sister’s presence instantly would put them in a bad mood ever since what occurred a few weeks prior. 

“Yeah, she is. Which is why I tolerate her now, but I don’t care for her like I care for you.” Clarke said bluntly, shrugging. 

Bellamy took a deep breath, unsure on how to respond to that. “She’s thirteen, Clarke, let her be.”

“No, Bellamy. She needs to stop being given free passes because of how she’s your sister and how young she is. She’s treating you like shit and I wouldn’t stand by that. You deserve better.” Clarke stood up to pack her belongings, putting it all in her backpack. 

She purposely put her back in front of Bellamy’s face, he knew that. Not only that, she even cursed.

“I thought you promised that you won’t talk to me about Octavia again.” Bellamy said, watching her grab her belongings to leave. 

“I didn’t promise anything, Bell. I know whatever is happening between you two isn’t my business, but  _ you’re  _ my business. I want you to be happy and I hate seeing you suffer at the hands of your sister and your mother.” Clarke turned to him, her lip quivering. 

He understood what she meant. His mother was influencing Octavia negatively, and now she viewed him negatively. It hurt him that she would quickly believe their mother who was never around over him, the one who stayed by her side nearly his whole life. “I’m not suffering, Clarke.” Bellamy’s voice was gentle, standing up to take her hands. 

She looked up at him, and there were tears in her eyes. He hated seeing her upset for him, he didn’t deserve any tears from her. He wasn’t that special.

“Kane needs to talk to me.” Bellamy spoke after she continued to stare at him with tears in her eyes. “I’ll call you later tonight, okay?” 

Clarke sniffled. “Okay.” She turned to put her shoes on, and headed towards the front door. He followed her. Lately it really did seem like all they did was make the other upset. 

She stopped at the door after she opened it, and turned to him. The moonlight was making the tears in her eyes brighter and the ribbon in her hair lighter.

“I do think you’re hurting, Bell. It hurts me to see you in so much pain even if you don’t realize it. I want you to be happy, and I don’t know how to fix this. I just know I want you to always be in my life, and if that means you need to be across the country away from your sister and your mother, then that’s alright. I just want you to be happy.” She was freely crying now, but she was speaking normally. To an outsider, no one would have known she was crying. But he did.

“I am happy, Clarke.” Bellamy replied, his heart breaking at the sight of her crying for him.

“No, you’re not and I know you know you’re not either.” She sniffled again, and adjusted the straps of her backpack on her shoulders. “I love you and I don’t want to see you hurting anymore.” Clarke swallowed and shook her head, wiping her tears with her hand. She gave Bellamy a small smile before exiting the house, not waiting for a response.

All he could do was watch helplessly as she entered her house, her not looking back at him once.

\--

Walking up the stairs to Kane’s office was hard. His legs felt like lead. 

Bellamy was so drained and exhausted. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

Kane opened the door before he even knocked unsurprisingly. Kane grinned at him and opened the door wider for Bellamy to walk in. He headed over to his desk and gestured for Bellamy to sit in the chair in front of his desk. He obliged. 

“Bellamy, I want to talk to you about college.” Kane started, his arms folded over his desk and his chin on his clasped fists. 

Bellamy opened his mouth to argue because he thought he made it clear that he wouldn’t be going after what happened with Octavia, and Kane held a hand up, stopping him from speaking.

“Save it, Bellamy. I know you have a big brother complex and you think that since Octavia’s your sister, you need to take care of her for the rest of your life because of how you were forced to take care of her as a kid since your mother wasn’t around.” Kane was basically calling him out on everything, and Bellamy just gaped. Kane laughed, the laughter lines around his eyes crinkling. 

“I know you, Bellamy. I have taken care of you since you were ten and also you are not the only teenager I know that lives with the whole weight of the world on their shoulders because they are afraid a tiny mistake would end up with them getting abandoned.” Kane continued, his voice not condescending at all. Only understanding, and clinical as someone who had worked as a teacher for a poor high school for decades. Kane was always offered to work at a different school, one with better pay and for students that weren’t as rowdy, but he declined each time because of how he wanted to help students. Kane always cared about the students and their education, and never about the pay. 

Which was why Bellamy practically idolized him. Kane saw something in Bellamy that no one ever did before, not as someone with a drug addict of a mother and not as someone who was poor and would end up getting into fights in honor of his sister. He just saw Bellamy as Bellamy.

(The second person to ever see him for who he was was Clarke. His best friend, his person.)

“You’re nearly eighteen, Bellamy, and I know you’re still waiting for that other shoe to drop.” Kane said gently, tenderness in his eyes. “But it’s never going to happen. You’re my son in every way that matters, and I love you. I always see you put your sister before you and even Clarke before you, but tell me, when will you put yourself first?” Kane asked.

Bellamy was taken aback. He didn’t know Kane was paying attention to him this well. He should have known though, Kane was a teacher. He noticed everything.

Kane sighed and stood, grabbing the brochures and papers that Clarke printed out for Bellamy and offered it to him. He looked at it questioningly before taking them hesitantly, feeling like he was betraying Octavia for even looking at it.

Kane tilted his head, leaning against his desk. His kind smile was still on his face. Bellamy felt like he was ten years old again, watching Kane discuss with the social workers about him and his sister, and Kane was looking at him. Observing him. The same look he had now. 

“Go to college. I know you want to help kids like you and I know you would excel at that, Bellamy. If there’s anyone in this world I strongly believe in, it’s you. You were given a shitty hand of cards growing up, but I have seen you grow into the brilliant, resilient man you are today in spite of everything you had grown up with. You only have one life, Bellamy. Don’t waste it.”

Kane moved from where he was, seemingly done with this conversation. Before he left the office completely, he looked to Bellamy one last time. “Don’t worry about Octavia, okay? She still has me and I’ll always be here for her. Stop putting your life on hold and live for once.”

He walked out, leaving Bellamy alone with his thoughts. Bellamy looked down at the brochures in his hands, bit the inside of his cheek.

_ You only have one life. _

Bellamy got up from the chair, a sudden burst of motivation running through him. He knew what he had to do.

\--

It was past midnight when he walked over to Clarke’s. He waited until Octavia and Kane were asleep before he snuck out.

_ Go outside. _

_ what??? Y would i do that. it’s 1am & a school nite.  _

_ It’s important!!!!!!!! _

_ fine -__- _

Clarke was wearing shorts for pajamas. He looked down at her legs in shock, then looked up, flustered. She pushed him.

“Don’t look at me, I was sleeping!” Clarke whined, her cheeks turning pink. Her arms were folded over her chest, bracing for warmth. “Be quiet and come inside!” She whispered, turning around and walking into her house without letting him enter first. Bellamy snorted at her rudeness at welcoming guests.

(He knew he rudely woke her up, but still. It’s the principle of it.)

He followed after, slipping off his slippers at the entryway. Clarke led him up stairs, trying to be as silent as she could be until there was a creak on the first stair. They winced simultaneously. Clarke shushed him and he shushed her back because  _ he  _ was not the one that stepped on the stair. She glared at him and Bellamy shrugged in response.

She continued up the stairs and he soon realized he was staring at her ass in small shorts. He cleared his throat, deciding to look up at the ceiling while going up the stairs, which was too loud apparently because she turned to glare at him again. Bellamy held his hands up in surrender.

Finally, after some painful more moments of trying to be stealthy in her household, they got to her bedroom. Clarke closed the door slowly, hoping it wouldn’t make any noise. Unfortunately, right when the door shut it made a loud noise. They winced again. 

Clarke turned to him. “Dad’s asleep, but mom isn’t home.” She whispered.

“What? Then why did we do all of that? Your dad is a heavy sleeper.” Bellamy looked at her confused, his voice returning to normal.

She grinned at him cheekily. “I just wanted you to shut up.” Clarke giggled as Bellamy groaned. She jumped onto her queen sized bed, looking suddenly very inviting. Bellamy wanted to groan again but for different reasons. She patted the spot next to her, and he went to sit down next to her. Clarke was laying down, already comfortable over the covers while Bellamy was sitting against her headboard.

She looked up at him. “So why’d you text me at the witch’s hour?” She asked, a wiggle in her eyebrows.

“The witch’s hour is at 3am.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Ugh, it was a joke.” 

“I didn’t think you were capable of those.” Bellamy teased her. Clarke punched him lightly and he laughed.

“But seriously, what’s up?” She asked, her voice now serious. There was concern in her eyes which he wasn’t surprised by after the conversation they had earlier.

“Well… I decided…” He continued to pause dramatically and it made Clarke hit him with her pillow.

“You! Are! So! Annoying!” She emphasized her words by hitting him with the pillow with each word. Bellamy held his arms against his face, shielding himself.

“Surrender! Surrender!” They couldn’t stop giggling, even after she stopped hitting him. It took them a few moments to sober up before Bellamy sighed, releasing the tension in his shoulders.

He bit his lip, looking down at his hands in his lap before looking down at her. Clarke was staring at him, patiently, her eyes wide.

“I talked to Kane and I decided I’m going to go to college. Ark U to be exact.”

Clarke shot up, excitement taking over her face. “Seriously?!” She asked.

“As a heart attack.” He nodded, and opened his arms just in time for her to jump into his arms. Or as much as she possibly could jump into his arms while lying in her bed. They were holding each other tightly before they pulled away, Clarke sitting on her knees. 

“Are you sure though? The last time we talked about this, you decided not to anymore after what your sister said to you…” Clarke bit her lip. He could tell she didn’t want to upset him at the mention of his sister. Bellamy’s eyes softened, and he leaned forward to brush a piece of her hair behind her ear. Her eyes fluttered shut and she breathed in deeply before opening her eyes again, looking into his eyes. 

“I am sure this time. Kane talked to me and he was right. I do want to help kids like me and be the person that Kane was for me. I want to be that someone.” He said honestly, his voice raw by how strongly passionate he was about this.

Clarke touched his hand. “You will be. I will literally move mountains so you could be that someone.” She nodded confidently, completely sure of herself.

He laughed, glancing down at their hands so he could intertwine her fingers with his. “Yeah?” Bellamy looked back up at her.

“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet, her eyes warm. It seemed that they both knew it was inappropriate for them to be like this, even though they continuously challenged the other with their touches. Teasing the line between the just friends aspect or something more. It was just different when it was moments like these, too vulnerable and real. At least in the other moments, they would just be stupid kids with hormones. 

But moments like these? This wasn’t them being stupid kids that were dating other people, and doing things they shouldn’t be with the people they aren’t dating. Not at all. Not even in the slightest. This was  _ them _ .

They moved away from the other, and Bellamy seemed to have remembered he put the brochures and papers she printed out for him in his sweatshirt pocket. He pulled them out and showed them to her, she lit up.

“You still have them!” She grabbed a few of them, flipping through the pages.

They stayed up all night, discussing the plans Bellamy could do to ensure an acceptance from Ark U since it was a difficult school to get into. How the dorm life would be like, and if there are any good scholarships and loans he should apply for. They wrote out various plans in her sketchbook, trying to decide what classes in high school Bellamy should take, and how much more volunteering work he would have to do, and whose recommendations he would need to get it from.

They were still up by the time Clarke’s alarm clock went off. It seemed that they were too busy focusing on Bellamy’s college plan that they didn’t notice the sun was up.

Clarke tried to sneak Bellamy out so Jake wouldn’t catch them, but unfortunately, he was sitting there in the living room with three mugs of coffee in front of him.

“Mr. Griffin, it was my fault—”

“I’m sorry, dad, I lost track of time—”

Jake threw his head back, letting out a loud laugh. “Seriously, it’s always the same thing with you two. And Bellamy, remember, it’s Jake.” He said sternly, pointing at Bellamy.

“I trust you both. I am okay with him staying over, but I rather know if he is so I don’t need to find out through you guys speaking loudly even though your door was completely shut.” Jake raised his eyebrow at the end. Clarke and Bellamy looked down at the floor, ashamed.

Jake smiled at them, looking at them knowingly.

“I called Kane, he said Bellamy can have a day off today, and I called the office so Clarke could also have a day off.” He stood, picking up his mug of coffee so he could head over to his room. “You guys can rest today. Do whatever you responsible teens do, but keep your door open.”

Clarke and Bellamy were looking at the other in shock, feeling what just had happened was a fever dream. They both opened their mouths at the same time, beginning to say something.

“Also I am  _ not  _ a heavy sleeper!” was all they heard of Jake’s voice echoing through the house before he entered his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

They were still staring at the other in shock before breaking into laughter, not expecting him to say that. They were laughing so hard they started tearing up. 

“Let’s watch the latest episode of  _ Gossip Girl _ since I can’t watch it anymore with Octavia.” She grabbed him by the arm, dragging him to the couch, grabbing the remote to turn on the tv. 

“Ugh. That show is so stupid.” He whined. “Also Chuck is an asshole.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “It’s a shitty CW show. What do you expect?” 

They spent all day together, wearing their pajamas, watching tv in Clarke’s living room. They didn’t even bring their phones, they left it in her bedroom.

Bellamy would regret this afterwards, not taking the time to message Gina or his sister. He was also pretty sure no good boyfriend would ditch school to hang out with his best friend, but right now, he didn’t want to waste any second of this.

* * *

Bellamy liked to keep his life away from volunteering. He didn’t want to be reminded of his mom, his sister, school, anything.

It was always something that was just his. 

Typically, he would share everything with his sister, or even Clarke. But volunteering was only Bellamy’s. 

His family knew he volunteered and Clarke did too. Clarke never asked about coming because she knew how personal it was for him, and didn’t want to invade on that. Bellamy was always grateful she never invited himself.

His friends didn’t even know he volunteered, they would just assume he would be with his sister, Clarke, or Gina. 

That was why it came to a shock one day when they found out Gina didn’t know what he would do after school most days of the week.

“So you don’t know what he does?” Jasper asked, shocked. He was eating with his mouth open which made Miller nudge him. 

“No, I don’t.” Gina said truthfully, pulling at her sleeves awkwardly. Bellamy looked at her regretfully because he still hadn’t told her about his volunteering. She shrugged, and smiled at him politely. He had an idea what she thought he must be doing, and he hated himself for not being honest with her about it.

“Are you with Clarke?” Murphy asked, his voice sharp. Monty looked at Murphy worriedly, already tensing up at an inevitable argument between Bellamy and Murphy.

“No.” Bellamy replied shortly, not wanting to deal with this. He wasn’t obligated to them, and they didn’t need to know. They would only mock him if they said anything. 

“Then where?” Murphy continued, raising an eyebrow. “Are you dealing drugs?” He smirked.

Sometimes, Bellamy wanted to beat the shit out of Murphy.

He stood up from the bench which made his friends flinch. Even Murphy did, who immediately cowered into himself. 

“I was joking.” He mumbled.

“I’m not laughing.” Bellamy said, picking up his backpack. Gina stood up, touching his arm soothingly. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

“We literally have the next period together!” Miller called out after him. Bellamy waved him off, Gina walking alongside him.

Bellamy was a perfect student with impeccable grades. He would skip class occasionally, but the teachers didn’t care because of how he always kept up with the work and always aced his tests. On top of that, they were also aware of his homelife and how he would volunteer so they would never question it.

He always hated that the whole town knew about him and his sister. He would never be able to tolerate that.

“Where are we going?” Gina asked curiously. She didn’t mind about skipping class, he could tell. But she wanted to know what she was getting into.

Bellamy took her by the hand, pulling her out of the school campus and towards his car. 

“I’m going to show you something. A side of me that I haven’t shown anyone before.” He finally responded after he held the car door open for Gina to get into. He climbed into the driver's seat, turning on the ignition. He was backing out of the parking spot when Gina spoke up again.

“Not even Clarke?” She looked at him, tilting her head.

He paused and glanced over at her.

“No, not even Clarke.”

\--

They were at the homeless shelter, and Gina was looking around, amazed. 

“I don’t think they like being stared at.” Bellamy said lamely, watching Gina look at where they are.

“I didn’t know you volunteered!” She said excitedly, already walking over to where the people were serving food.

“Yeah, no one really knows about it.” Bellamy said, stopping Gina to hand her an apron. She grabbed it sheepishly, and also grabbed some disposable gloves for herself. He did the same.

“Why not?” Gina asked, watching him take out new trays of food so he could replace the finished ones. 

“It’s not really their business. Everybody already knows about my mom and how she’s an addict, and how I have no dad. My life was practically all just gossip to them, and this was the one thing that no one can take from me.” He replied honestly, grabbing some ladles for them. He offered one for her which she took, a soft look on her face. 

He looked at her and raised a brow. “What?”

“You’re such a wonderful human being, Bellamy Blake. You take care of your sister and skip class to volunteer at homeless shelters. You’re literally a superhero.” She looked so in awe of him, and he started to blush.

“No, I’m not.” He turned away, trying to not seem that flustered as he served the food to the people walking up to them. “This is common decency. Everybody should give back, especially give back to the people who aren’t as lucky as we are.” 

She paused, wanting to listen to what he was going to say.

“See, we’re honestly too caught up in ourselves. We pay attention to gossip and drama, and stupid shit about first world problems. No one really knows what’s going behind closed doors. Everybody thinks I’m going to turn out like my mom and end up being an addict when I always hated drugs, and would only just smoke and that’s rare.” Bellamy continued, not stopping from serving food and would smile at everybody who passed by. Some of them even called him by name.

“I am lucky, you know. O and I could’ve ended up in an orphanage for so long if it weren’t for Kane. I’m so lucky to be living with someone as generous as him, but there are many people who didn’t end up as lucky as me. So I’m giving back, wanting to give back as much as I can. I’m okay with people thinking I’ll end up like my mom because they don’t know me. They don’t know everything I’ve been through, and how hard I’ve worked to reach here. I’m okay with it because I am doing everything I can to help others, and that’s all that matters to me.”

After he stopped talking, he turned to look at his girlfriend. She had tears in her eyes. He was confused, not thinking it was that sad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Bellamy touched her shoulder and rubbed it to soothe her. She sniffled, shaking her head.

“I’m not upset. You’re just so amazing, Bellamy. I wish you could see that.” Gina went to help serve another person before she looked at him. “You have such a big heart. I have never heard of anyone that sees the world like you do. It breaks my heart and sews it back together. I’ve never met anyone like you before.” 

“Thank you.” He replied, unsure on how to respond to that. He appreciated her words, and he typically wouldn’t really like the attention, but it was nice to be seen like this. 

“Of course.” Gina smiled at him before turning to the next person in line.

It was Charlotte.

“Hi, Bellamy!” She said excitedly, holding out her plate.

Bellamy smiled widely, scooping up big portions of the food to put onto her plate. “Hey, Charlotte.”

“I missed you yesterday!”

He was with Clarke all day, but he didn’t want to tell her that.

  
“I didn’t feel so good.” Bellamy lied instead. That seemed to be enough for Charlotte who nodded and turned to Gina.

“Are you Bellamy’s girlfriend?” She asked with wide eyes.

Gina laughed. “Yes, I am.”

“So you’re Clarke then!” Charlotte said excitedly.

His eyes widened, and Gina’s smile dropped.

“No, Clarke is my best friend, remember?  _ Gina _ is the one who’s my girlfriend.” Bellamy rushed to say, glancing over at Gina worriedly. 

“But you talk about Clarke and Octavia a lot.” Charlotte said, confused.

“And Octavia’s my sister.”

“But isn’t Clarke your girlfriend?”

“No, no!” He said, shaking his head vigorously. “She’s just a friend that is a girl. Gina is the one who’s my girlfriend.” 

Charlotte still seemed confused but decided it wasn’t worth her time and shrugged instead. “Okay, whatever.” She grabbed her plate then walked off, seemingly heading to whatever table her mom was at.

Bellamy was frozen. He didn’t know how to act, and it seemed that Gina didn’t know how to react to what just happened either.

He looked over at her concerned. “I’m sorry. She’s just a kid and kids get confused.” Bellamy really did feel bad, and he hated putting Gina in this position.

Her face was guarded, calculating. Gina stared at him for a few seconds more before clearing her throat, turning back to serve more food. “It’s fine.” She said robotically.

“Gina—” He started.

“It’s literally fine, Bellamy. She’s a kid, and they make mistakes.” Gina cut him off, smiling at the person she just served food to.

_ Mistakes _ . That was all he had been making lately. Mistakes.

\--

The drive back to his place was awkward. He forgot they partnered up for a presentation so this was just more awkward. 

On top of that, Clarke was eating Chinese food with Kane in the living room. Her face was full of noodles when Gina walked in to see his best friend.

Clarke made an awkward slurp noise as she sucked in the noodle. They were all frozen, and Kane looked between all three of them confused.

“Okay, I’m not dealing with this.” Kane grabbed his food then went up the stairs.

Clarke used a napkin to wipe at her face and stood awkwardly. Gina was still staring at her, and he couldn’t see her face but he had an idea of what it might be.

“Hey, guys.” Clarke said, trying to alleviate the tension by laughing. She tugged at the ribbon on her wrist.

“Hey.” Gina replied, putting her stuff down on the couch in the living room, right next to where Clarke was at.

Clarke seemed to take the idea and moved her stuff, swallowing. Gina was a really kind person, but her patience ran out sometimes. This moment was one of those sometimes. 

Bellamy suddenly seemed to realize he was also there and not watching from an out-of-body experience, and took off his shoes. He walked over to them, and cleared his throat. “What are you eating?” He asked, actually interested. 

Clarke looked at him gratefully for breaking the tension, and picked up some of her noodles with her chopsticks and offered it to him. “Chow mein. Want some?” Bellamy opened his mouth which she took as an invitation to feed the noodles.

He was extremely hungry, so it felt good to finally eat. He was about to take some more when he seemed to remember Gina was in the room. Right next to him.

Bellamy blushed, deciding against taking another bite of noodles. Gina just looked at him, with an expression he couldn’t understand. 

“So what’d you guys do today?” Clarke asked with a mouthful of noodles, trying to ignore how awkward the situation was. She didn’t even try to offer noodles to Gina either.

Bellamy opened his mouth, about to say a lie.   
  


“We volunteered at the homeless shelter.” Gina said, folding her arms over her chest. Her facial expression was still the same. Bellamy cringed.

Clarke froze, noodles dangling out of her mouth. She swallowed it and looked over at Bellamy, who wasn’t looking back at her. 

“You guys went volunteering together?” She asked. She was hurt, he knew that. Gina wouldn’t notice her change of tone, but he did.

“Yeah.” Bellamy nodded, looking at the floor. Clarke’s face fell.

“That’s great.” Clarke replied.

“Yeah, I had a great time. I even met Charlotte.” Gina said and Clarke turned her head to Gina so fast, he thought it would break her neck.

“You met Charlotte?” Clarke asked. She sounded so hurt, but she was so good at hiding it. He hated this. He finally looked up, and the first thing he saw was the betrayed look in Clarke’s face. Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, but Clarke shook her head instead, turning over to look at Gina.

“Yeah. She’s such a sweetheart.” Gina smiled, and reached over to grab her notebooks in her backpack.

“I’ve heard.” Clarke’s replies were so short. 

She stood up, making the two of them jump back. 

“Are you okay?” Gina asked kindly, a concerned look in her face.

“Yeah, I am. I just remembered I have work to do.” Clarke sniffled, grabbing her food and her stuff. She didn’t even bother putting her shoes on correctly before dashing out the door. Bellamy just watched her through the windows, helplessly, as she entered her own house.

He turned back to Gina who was looking at him, with the same facial expression as before.

Bellamy sat down and grabbed his own stuff out of his backpack, and set it on the coffee table.

“So where do we start?” He changed the topic, not wanting to deal with this anymore. He was drained.

“Well, I already started my parts. Have you?” Gina welcomed the change in topic, and even teased him for changing it to that. 

Bellamy chuckled, turning to his girlfriend whose eyes were shining brightly again, after being dull for a few hours.

“I’m too busy being a good citizen who volunteers at homeless shelters. What have you done?” He joked.

She laughed, and threw her head back. “You got me there.”

Bellamy and Gina were able to come out of that day unscathed, but they both were aware of what was going on. He couldn’t keep on lying much longer, he hated himself for lying to Gina. But he couldn’t help it, and if he could keep her a little much longer, then that would be okay. Better.

Safer.

So he kept on smiling, kissed his girlfriend’s hand, and even kissed her goodnight when he dropped her off. But when he went back to Kane’s, Bellamy glanced over at Clarke’s window, whose light was still on. He stared at her through her window, and Clarke seemed to have noticed his gaze on her so she looked down at him.

They continued to stare at each other, for a little longer. He was unsure why she was still awake.

(She was waiting for him, he would find out years later on.)

Clarke took off her shirt.

He swallowed.

She continued to stare at him, and he continued to watch her. All the skin that was being revealed, and her blue lacy bra that was a few shades darker than her ribbon.

Clarke smirked. His mouth was dry.

She was beginning to pull down the straps of her bra, and he felt like he was somehow in the room with her, and he was the one pulling down the straps of her bra and then—

“Bell! What are you doing!” His sister called out.

Bellamy froze, he turned to see his sister waiting at the front door, illuminated by the porch light.

He quickly glanced at Clarke's window, and her light was off. He ignored the disappointment he felt. 

“Just looking at the stars, O.” Bellamy said, walking over to Octavia and pulled her into a small hug. She hugged him back, looking at him with a wide smile. 

“With your back to the stars?” She asked, disbelieving him. 

“I wanted to see how far back I can turn my head.” 

“Yeah, alright.” They walked inside the house, him holding her close to him still.

It seemed like they were the way they were before, before his mom returned. He missed this side of his sister. 

“Can you tell me a story tonight, Bell?” Octavia asked after they reached their rooms. 

He was surprised, she didn’t ask to get told stories before sleep in years. “I thought you were too old for them. Remember?” Bellamy replied, his eyebrow raised. She told him when she was ten years old that she was too old for them and said she wasn’t a nerd like him.

She shrugged. “I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. Please?” She pleaded, doing the annoying pout of hers he couldn’t say no to.

“Okay, O. Anything for you.” 

Octavia smiled at him knowingly, like she knew something he didn't. 

* * *

It was one of those days where he was in a shitty mood. 

Bellamy woke up on the wrong side of the bed, his alarm clock didn’t go off, and his car didn’t start so he was late to school. Octavia didn’t even say bye to him that morning, she just took off because her friend’s parents were picking her up. 

And on top of that, the attendance lady that loved him wasn’t working that day so he had the other attendance lady who was always in a shitty mood and hated everybody. 

“Hi, Ms. Diyoza.” Bellamy said politely after the student before him walked away with the late pass.

“Bellamy Blake.” Diyoza said with a blank look on her face. She checked the clock and turned to him. “You’re late.”

He nodded, not wanting to get into an argument with Diyoza. “My car wouldn’t start.”

“You can’t walk?” She asked.

“I live thirty minutes away by car.” 

Diyoza made a disappointed sound, and printed out the late pass and piece of paper. 

_ A detention slip _ .

She handed him both pieces of paper before returning to look at the computer, probably scrolling through websites on how to ruin teenagers’ days because of how miserable she was.

“I was literally only 10 minutes late!” Bellamy complained.

Diyoza glanced back at him with an unamused face. “You should’ve thought about that before getting to school then. It’s not my fault you’re late.” She rolled her eyes.

He didn’t get how she was able to get a job here.

“Fine.” He grumbled, picking up the pieces of paper angrily.

“Don’t forget to sign off.” She said, typing away on her computer. Bellamy glared at her and picked up the pen to sign his name.

“Don’t be late tomorrow!” Diyoza called out after him as he walked away.

He was in such a shitty mood.

The start of his morning ruined his whole day. Bellamy didn’t feel up to talking to anyone and all of his friends knew that. He was probably radiating off some sort of energy that said  _ don’t fucking talk to me _ . Even Gina knew he didn’t want to talk. She just patted his shoulder soothingly every time they were sitting together, and let them sit in silence.

Bellamy was listening to music on his iPod during passing period when he saw Clarke stop right in front of him, her arms folded across her chest. She wasn’t wearing a blue ribbon in her hair that day, instead it was wrapped around her neck like a choker.

He had the strangest urge to replace the ribbon around her neck with his hand and shook his head at the thought, taking off his headphones to listen to whatever Clarke was going to say. 

Clarke leaned her head against the lockers, talking quietly so the students around them couldn’t hear what she was saying. “Did something happen?” She asked, her brows furrowed in concern.

Bellamy shook his head. “No, it’s just one of those days.” 

They only had a few more minutes to chat, and he didn’t want to be late to another class, so he shifted to walk away before she touched him on the arm.

Clarke looked at him straight in the eyes, looking between both eyes to see if he was lying. The tension in her shoulders disappeared when she realized he wasn’t lying, and she smiled at him instead. 

“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” She teased.

“You wouldn’t even know half of it.” He smiled back, the first real smile he had all day. The concern in Clarke’s eyes were gone, and instead her eyes were bright now. “I got detention for being late.” 

She gasped, shocked. “What? Was it Diyoza?” She seemed appalled for his behalf. 

He nodded, and she gasped again. “Okay, you don’t need to gasp a second time.” Bellamy chuckled.

Clarke’s eyebrows were knitted together, her mouth a flat line. “That’s unfair! It’s not your fault. I would have driven you but Finn picked me up.” She said sympathetically, and Bellamy grimaced. He didn’t want to be reminded of her boyfriend.

“It’s fine.” He waved her off, then the warning bell rang. He moved off of the lockers, walking a few steps away from her before he turned back to her, Clarke still where he left her, staring at him.

“Are you alright?” Bellamy asked. 

Clarke nodded gingerly, biting her lip. “Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind.” She sighed before standing up straight, adjusting the straps on her backpack. “I hate that you got detention. You didn’t even do anything wrong.” She looked so upset for him and the pout on her face was so adorable, he couldn’t help but pull her into a hug.

He kissed her hair, smiling. “It’s literally fine, Clarke. I’ll just go to detention today to get it over with.” He pulled back to look at her face that still had a pout. “Stop frowning, pretty girl. You’ll get wrinkles.”

Clarke shoved him, the frown on her face breaking into a small smile. “Shut up, you’re so annoying.” 

He laughed, turning to walk towards his class before he heard her voice call after him.

“Finn’s going to detention too today! You could try getting to know him if you like.”

Bellamy chuckled darkly to himself, already too far away from Clarke to respond. “Me getting to know Collins? All he would get to know from me is my fist to his face.” He grumbled before opening the door to his next class. 

Fortunately, not late this time.

\--

He was in the room where Pike was holding detention who was on the computer doing God knows what. Bellamy was busy reading one of the classics Clarke got him as a gift when he felt a poke at his side.

Bellamy stiffened, turning to look at Finn setting his stuff to sit right next to him.

“Hey, dude.” Finn said, running his hand through his greasy looking hair. Bellamy’s jaw clenched.

“Hey,  _ dude _ .” He replied snarkily, returning to read the book.

“What are you doing?” Finn asked.

Bellamy was annoyed, not wanting to deal with him. “Sailing.” He flipped to the next page of the book.

Finn sighed. “Look, I get that you don’t like me. But I’m dating your best friend so I was thinking we should try to tolerate the other.” 

He raised an eyebrow, still not looking at Finn again. “This is me tolerating you.” If Pike wasn’t in the room, Bellamy would’ve probably resorted to physical violence.

“But better than this! For Clarke’s sake!” Finn exclaimed.

“This is detention, Mr. Collins and Mr. Blake. Don’t make me try to give you another one.” Pike called from behind the computer. Bellamy glanced at Pike worriedly before glaring at Finn who finally took the message and shut up. 

Another ten minutes passed by before Finn spoke up again.

Bellamy groaned internally the second Finn’s mouth opened.

“Do you hate me because Clarke and I had sex?”

Bellamy froze, feeling like water just spilled on him. He plastered on a smirk to hide the shock and betrayal he felt.

“No, Finn. I don’t hate you and I don’t care that you two had sex.” Bellamy said. “Now shut up, I don’t want another detention.” He turned back to the book, trying to comprehend the words but he couldn’t read any of them because all he could think about was how Finn and Clarke had sex, and Clarke never told him. 

_ Why the fuck did she not tell him? _

A million thoughts was running through his head, and he felt so hurt and betrayed and jealous because  _ jesus fucking christ it should’ve been him _ .

Bellamy felt sick for thinking that thought, and he felt sick at the idea of Finn and Clarke having sex. 

Why did Clarke not tell him? He didn’t know. When did they even have sex? Was this before Clarke and him started playing their sick game of touching each other or after they started? Or was it before she took off her top for Bellamy to watch her through her window? 

Bellamy thought he was going to throw up.

He didn’t even know what he and Clarke were doing, running around in these circles, chasing after the other. He had a girlfriend and he was doing this with his best friend, thinking maybe his best friend felt for him the same way he felt for her, meanwhile the whole time she was fucking her boyfriend.

Bellamy knew he had no claim over Clarke, he was aware of that. They were dating other people, and he liked Gina, she was so good, so kind, so  _ real. _

But all he thought about was Clarke.

It made him sick. He thought about Clarke everyday, didn’t even go further than kissing Gina innocently and even some occasional heavy petting, while Clarke was fucking her stupid looking boyfriend. And he had to find out through that stupid looking boyfriend’s mouth.

He was counting down every second up for detention to end. By the time Pike said they all could leave, Bellamy grabbed his stuff blindly, not even putting them in his backpack neatly, just so he could practically run out of the building so he could get into his car. 

Finn called out his name, but Bellamy ignored him. He did not want to look at that guy.

Bellamy was in his car, his head against the wheel. He took a few deep breaths before he started yelling, releasing all of the stress and tension and hurt he felt.

After he was done yelling, he breathed heavily and rubbed his eyes. Bellamy’s phone was lighting up, and he saw that there were text messages from Clarke. He laughed at the irony and closed his phone. 

He shut his eyes tightly, throwing his head back against the headrest of the chair. He took another few deep breaths, trying to calm down his heart rate.

Bellamy should’ve known this day was going to be horrible from the start. 

\--

_ R u out of detention???? _

_ hello? _

_ Hellooooooo _

_ did u die? Are u in jail? Did u punch finn?? _

_ REPLY IT’S BEEN AN HOUR _

_ Stop ignoring me :( _

_ I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE _

_... are you mad at me? _

_ I hope you got out of detention unscathed. <3 I missed you after school today.  _

_ I can’t wait for our sixth months. I even got a new dress for it because of how excited I am haha  _

_ Call me when you can xx _

_ mom misses you. stop avoiding her, she keeps bringing u up every two min. im trying to eat. _

_ stop being selfish and man up. talk to her. _

Bellamy finally checked his text messages after keeping his phone off for an hour. He didn’t want to contact anyone or talk to anyone after all of the events that occurred that day. Even Kane knew he was upset, he just left a plate of food outside his door since Bellamy kept his door locked. 

He texted back Gina, saying he couldn’t talk that night but he would call her in the morning. He looked at Clarke’s list of texts, and sighed. He shouldn’t be mad at her for having sex with her boyfriend. Bellamy was beginning to sound like the jealous friend who was too obsessed with her.

(He didn’t want to think about how truthful that was.)

He intentionally ignored Octavia’s text, and instead typed out a message to Clarke.

_ I’m not mad. My phone was just off b/c of detention, and I forgot to turn it on. _

_ Sorry.  _

_ that’s ok! I just missed you :-( _

His lips quirked into a smile at the text, his cheeks beginning to heat up.

_ I missed you too. Come over later? _

She texted back immediately.

_ Ok!!!  _

_ After dinner though, mom is now here for dinner. She’s being a bitch :/ _

He frowned, concern surging through his chest.  _ What’s happening? _

_ the usual. She keeps on arguing with my dad, and calling him selfish as if she’s not the one who works everyday and doesn’t even try to talk to her own daughter. _

_ i don’t even remember the last time i had a real convo with her. all she does is yell at my dad & would try to get me to defend her, and when i don’t she gets mad at me. i rather her not be home than this _

_ i hate her sometimes _

_ does that make me a bad daughter? _

_ Of course not. You’re wonderful. _

_ If you’re a bad daughter then I’m a horrible son _

His phone rang. He was taken aback, but was not surprised. He picked up after the second ring, just to play with Clarke.

“You’re not a horrible son!” Clarke spoke into the phone, and he can hear her passion in her words, her fealty and belief in him. His heart melted, even when he was joking around, she would always reassure him because she didn’t like it when he would be self loathing, joking or not.

“I was joking, Clarke.” He laughed, shaking his head. He stood up from his bed, walking over to his window. He couldn’t see Clarke’s room from his room, her room was right across from Octavia’s, but he could see if her light was on or not. It was. 

She pouted. “Don’t joke about that.”

Bellamy laughed again. “It’s my own trauma, I can joke about it!”

“Well, I’m not laughing!” She refuted before she broke out into a giggle.

“See, you’re laughing!”

“Because you are!”

After their laughter died down, Clarke sighed. “I can’t believe we both have mommy issues.”

“We’re quite a pair. But mine are worse than yours.” He pointed out teasingly.

He could practically hear her roll her eyes. “You’re so annoying. I’ll come over in a bit, I snuck into the bathroom. Bye!”

She hung up the phone before he could respond and he shook his head. Clarke would always do that when she was in a rush even though it was rude, but he didn’t mind. 

Bellamy got a new text notification and his heart dropped. He knew right away it would be his sister.

_ stop ignoring me.  _

_ she wants to talk to you. _

He rubbed his hand over his face, exhaling deeply through his nose and began to text back.

_ Why? _

_ bc she’s your mom!!!!! _

_ I don’t want to talk to her. _

_ What time are you coming home? _

_ you’re such an ass _

_ Are you learning how to curse from her? _

_ What time are you coming home!!! _

_ nvm i shouldn’t have texted you. bye.  _

Bellamy groaned in frustration. He was going to be up all night waiting for his sister to come back home. He understood why Octavia wanted to talk to Aurora, but he didn’t get why there was suddenly a wall between them. Octavia had been pushing him away and he hated it. 

(He didn’t like thinking about it, but it wasn’t fair. Bellamy wasn’t stupid, he knew, deep deep down, how Octavia was truly like. Bellamy did everything for her, and would drop everything for her, and she barely gave an inch in return. It always reminded him of why he wasn’t enough.)

A few more hours passed, and the sun was fully set. The streetlights were on, and his sister hadn’t come home yet. He was pacing around his room, worried. Octavia wasn’t picking up the phone, and he was afraid.

What if something happened to her?

He heard the doorbell ring, and he jumped. Bellamy ran down the stairs, not even trying to put on a jacket and opened the door frantically.

It was Clarke.

She must have seen the disappointment in his face, but also something else in his expression. Fear.

Clarke’s eyes widened, and stepped into the household, taking her shoes off. She then grabbed Bellamy’s face, stroking his cheek.

“What happened?” She murmured, a worrying crinkle between her eyebrows settling.

He didn’t even realize he was crying. Clarke was wiping away his tears. He broke down, and wrapped himself around her, burying his face into her shoulder.

Bellamy didn’t know why he was crying, he didn’t even  _ know _ he was. But here he was, crying into his best friend’s arms. He couldn’t stop.

“I don’t know why I’m crying.” He hiccuped. Clarke was guiding their bodies to somewhere, he was following blindly, but he assumed they landed on the cushions of the couch in the living room. 

She kissed his hair, brushing back his hair. “You’re okay, I’m here.” She continued to murmur reassuring words into his hair, pressing her lips against his cheek, too light and like a touch of a feather.

Bellamy was too preoccupied with his thoughts of his sister that he suddenly remembered right then that Clarke’s lips were on someone else’s. On someone else’s skin.

Someone that wasn’t him. 

He pushed her away, like she physically shocked him.

Clarke was surprised at his outburst, and he stood up, running his hand through his hair. He felt too overwhelmed by everything, all of these sensations and emotions he felt. Clarke reached out for him, trying to comfort him and Bellamy held a hand up, stopping her.

“Please don’t.” His voice was raw, and didn’t even feel like his. There was a lump in his throat, and he couldn’t swallow it down.

“I just had a bad day.” Bellamy said before sitting down on the other side of the couch, curling into himself. Clarke was sitting a few feet away from him, helplessly. He hated that he was mad at her for something that wasn’t her fault, but this was too much for him. His day started off horribly, Finn told him Clarke and he had sex (and he was pretty sure Clarke didn’t even want to tell him), and Octavia hated him.

“Bell…” Her voice was barely higher than a whisper, her hand moving to a few inches in front of him. A peace offering.

“I don’t know where O is. She didn’t tell me what time she was coming home, and it’s now late.” His voice was muffled by the sleeves of his shirt. Bellamy continued to hiccup, his sobs now subsiding but his cheeks were now wet. He wiped his face with his sleeves, hiccuping once again.

“What if something happened to her?”

“Isn’t she with Aurora?” Clarke said gently, not moving her hand from its position. Bellamy sniffled, and glanced down at her hand.

“Yes.” He hesitantly touched her hand, not intertwining their hands but their palms are against the other, his fingers barely intertwining with hers.

“She must be fine then.” She responded, her tone cautious, like she was unsure on how to approach him right then.

“But what if she isn’t?” Bellamy asked, a million scenarios running through his head.

“She is fine. She can take care of herself.”

He pulled away from her, shaking his head. A flash of hurt went through his features. “She’s only thirteen. She can’t take care of herself.”

Clarke bit her lip, thinking of what she should say next. “But she’s with Aurora, doesn’t she see her weekly? She must be fine.”

“But not this late, Clarke.” Bellamy refuted meekly, sniffling again.

Clarke shifted, moving her body closer to his, just enough for their thighs to be touching the other. His pajama pants parallel to her naked legs, and thighs covered by pajama shorts.

“Okay, we can wait together then.” She settled herself into the couch, not moving any more closer to Bellamy, giving him that space he needed. Her back was straight, and her hands were folded on her lap.

He looked at her questioningly, no longer sniffling, and the fog of tears and emotion finally dissipated. “It’s a school night. You should go back home.”

“No, you told me to come so I’m here. Also I don’t want to see my mom.” Clarke said simply, nodding.

“Oh fuck, I forgot your mom was here tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it.” Bellamy cursed himself, feeling like the selfish asshole Octavia deemed his ass.

She looked at him, shaking her head. “I don’t care, Bellamy. You were crying and you matter to me more than anything. I don’t give a shit about what happened with my mom, she doesn’t matter to me. You matter to me and I give a shit about you. So don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. I care about you.” 

Bellamy’s eyes were wide, listening to Clarke talk. His thoughts were too overwhelmed with Octavia calling him selfish and making him feel like he wasn’t deserving of love, that he forgot Clarke was always the one who stood by him. His constant.

He would never deserve her, he knew. She deserved better than him, better than someone who had an absent mother who cared about drugs more than her own children and a sister who hated him. 

But Bellamy wouldn’t give her up. He would take all he could get, every single second he could steal, just so she could always look at him that way.

“I care about you too, Clarke.” He whispered, leaning down to kiss her shoulder. The last of the tears in his eyelashes fluttered away.

He pulled away, a few inches away, to see a soft smile on her lips. Bellamy returned the smile, and took her hand in his.

It was by the time it was 2am when Octavia returned home, Bellamy asleep on Clarke’s shoulder, Clarke wide awake. Clarke stood up, trying to be careful with moving Bellamy’s head on her shoulder.

Bellamy was awakened by hushed angered voices, and he blinked to see Clarke and Octavia in the foyer, them standing across from the other. Octavia’s anger was radiating off of her while Clarke was calm and collected, her arms folded over her chest, but the animosity in her eyes were obvious. 

He didn’t even want to think about what they talked about once she arrived back home.

“Where have you been?” Bellamy asked, approaching the two girls.

“With mom.” Octavia said, turning around to ascend the staircase.

“Until 2am?” 

She turned around at the top of the stairs, and narrowed her eyes at Bellamy. “You’re not my dad, Bellamy. I was with mom, our mom. The mom you choose to ignore because for some reason you are too self obsessed to realize that she changed and wants to do better. I was spending time with her, like a child should spend time with their parent. It’s not my fault you won’t do the same.” Octavia spun around the heel of her foot, stomping to enter her room, shutting the door behind her loudly.

Bellamy winced at the sound then looked at Clarke helplessly. She was staring at him, biting her lip.

“I can stay here tonight if you like.” Clarke offered, reaching out to touch his hand soothingly. He welcomed the touch before pulling away, sighing.

“It’s fine, Clarke. You should go back home, so your parents don’t see you gone.” He shook his head, his shoulders tense once again.

“My mom doesn’t even notice me most of the time I’m home.” She responded, trying to use humor to lighten the situation, but concern was etched into her face. He smiled gratefully at her and shrugged.

“But your dad does.”

She sighed, and nodded because it was true, Jake noticed everything now.

Clarke didn’t move, still staring at him for a few more moments before nodding then went to grab her shoes. Right before she walked out the door, she turned to him.

“Call me. Whenever you need me, I’m always one phone call away and even a house away.” She said then walked outside after he nodded, a wide smile on his face, then closed the door behind her. 

Bellamy walked up the stairs, his heart heavy. He walked over to Octavia’s room, raising his fist to knock on the door, then decided against it last second and put his head against the door in defeat. He wished she could just talk to him.

Was that how his mother felt?

With that thought, he felt stricken and stepped back. He didn’t want to be like his mother at all. Bellamy swallowed and walked towards his bedroom, closing the door behind him then climbed into bed.

He desperately wanted this day to end. He couldn't take any more. 

* * *

The next day of school, Bellamy woke up earlier than usual. He didn’t even eat breakfast, he just left the house after he got himself ready. 

Somehow, Clarke was awake too, sitting on the hood of his car, wearing a dress that reminded him of the dress she wore on his 11th birthday. Her hair was up in the same do as then and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of her.

“Good morning, sunshine!” She sang, presenting the cupcake behind her back. Bellamy laughed, not expecting her to do this, especially not so early in the morning.

“Why are you up so early?” Bellamy asked, putting his bag down, sitting next to her on top of his car to use the knife she had to cut the cupcake in half.

“My mom wakes up around 7am so I needed to leave before she woke up.” Clarke nodded, and grabbed a piece of the cupcake to put in her mouth. “Man, I’m starving.” She said with her mouth full.

He scolded her for eating her with her mouth open and she wrinkled her nose at him, chuckling. Then suddenly, his stomach rumbled. “Okay, I guess I am too.” Bellamy also grabbed a piece of the cupcake and took a bite.

“Why are you awake?” She asked in return.

“I didn’t want to be late for school again.” He was aware he knew he was dodging the question, and answering with a lie. Bellamy just didn’t want to see his sister.

Clarke didn’t push him about his lie and nodded instead, finishing her half of the cupcake.

“Well, we have an hour to kill. Want to go to the mountains and watch the sun rise?” She tilted her head, a bright look in her eyes.

Bellamy discarded the cupcake into the trash can in front of the house and walked back towards Clarke, who was anticipating his response.

He smiled and took her hand.

\--

It was just the two of them, at 6:40am, on the hood of his car at the top of the mountains. Their hands were intertwined, and her head was on his shoulder, sitting in comfortable silence.

They would have to leave for school soon and face reality again, it didn’t matter to them right then. It was only them two, and the sun rising from the horizon.

A new day where they were both existing, together, lucky enough to be existing at the same time as the other.

There were so many moments of them that would define them, Bellamy knew. He didn’t even remember a time without her, all he knew was her, and there were a million moments of them that they have shared together. Beautiful, heartbreaking, and horrible moments together.

But this was one of the moments he would cherish in his heart, just them two in silence, watching the sun rise up again, seeing a new day—together. 

* * *

It was his sixth months with Gina, which meant it was Clarke’s sixth months with Finn. 

He was too miserable to think about the irony behind that though. 

Bellamy went to the store the day before to buy flowers, and chocolates. And grabbed condoms, as an afterthought. It was only fair for him to have sex with his girlfriend if Clarke was having sex with her boyfriend. 

Bellamy saw Clarke the morning of the six month mark, before Finn picked her up for school. She was wearing a peach colored dress with a sweetheart neckline, and the dress landed at the middle of her thighs. No ribbon in sight though.

Clarke seemed to have noticed Bellamy staring at her and she waved at him. He waved back, his mouth feeling dry. Bellamy opened his mouth to start to say something, when Finn drove up in front of the house with his windows wide open, playing obnoxious music that sounded like one of the songs from LMFAO.

“Hey, princess!” Finn called out from the driver’s side. Bellamy made a face as he heard Finn call Clarke ‘princess’. That wasn’t his name to call her. “Happy six months!”

She adjusted her bag on her back, and climbed into the passenger seat of the car.

Asshole couldn’t even open the door for her.

Bellamy watched Finn pull Clarke into a disgusting open-mouthed kiss, and he gagged. Clarke wiped the spit off of her mouth when Finn pulled away, and turned to wave at Bellamy again.

“I’ll call you later!” She said.

_ No, you won’t _ , he thought. “Okay!” He replied, waving as Finn started the car to drive off, in a horribly fast way because his tires left marks on the street.

Bellamy shook his head, unlocking his car so he could climb in, flowers and chocolate in hand. 

“Asshole.” He said to himself.

\--

Bellamy drove up to Gina’s, and parked in front of her house. He grabbed the small bouquet of flowers in the passenger seat and the chocolate, and headed to the front door of her house. He raised his fist to knock on the door, then took a step back, waiting patiently for Gina to open the door. 

The door opened to show Gina, who was wearing a pink dress and light makeup. She smiled, quickly closing the door behind her to not wake up her parents. 

“Hey.” She leaned in to give him a quick kiss before pulling away to gape at the flowers in his hand. “Wow, you gave me flowers!”

Bellamy laughed, and also handed her the chocolate. “And chocolate too.” He watched as she opened the box in delight and grabbed one of the chocolates to take a bite out of it. Gina hummed in appreciation, and gestured for Bellamy to open his mouth so she could feed him the other half. He obliged, taking the other half of the chocolate with his mouth and swallowed it.

Gina was still smiling, even after licking the residue of the chocolate on her fingers. 

“I can’t believe we’re one of those couples that celebrate our six months.” She said, chuckling. He honestly couldn’t believe it either, he didn’t intend them to be, but when he heard Finn and Clarke make plans for their six months, Bellamy ended up calling Gina and asking her what they should do.

So yeah, he couldn’t believe it either.

“At least we’re not like one of those annoying couples. We’re cute.” He said in response when she made an amused noise at that, and Bellamy couldn’t help but lean down to give her a soft kiss. 

When he pulled away, her eyes were bright with adoration. “One of those annoying couples has a half of your best friend, you know that?” She raised an eyebrow teasingly.

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. Bellamy put his arm around Gina’s shoulders, them walking towards his car and he used his other hand to unlock the car.

“I like to forget about it.”

\--

Bellamy didn’t see Clarke at all that day. Not even glimpses of her. He tried to not be disappointed by it, but he was. Even when him and Gina were taking the opportunity to hold hands, and when they walked down the halls, and even when they were in class together. He was still occupied with thoughts of Clarke and wondered what she was doing, and who she was with.

It was most likely Finn so it was probably best he didn’t know at all.

Bellamy and Gina had a picnic at the park, wanting to do something low-key. They just enjoyed the other’s company, away from everybody else, and it was just them two under a tree. Bellamy was sort of nervous, knowing what he was planning that night and he was even sure Gina was aware too.

Gina kept on giggling nervously, blushing every time he would turn to her, and Bellamy’s hands were sweating, but he felt like he was doing the right thing. He liked the feeling he felt when he was with Gina, it was simple and easy. He was assuming that sex would be like that as well.

When the sun was fully down, and the moon was high in the sky, he was driving down the freeway, his left hand on the wheel and his right hand on her thigh. Usually, he would take the one exit towards her house, but he kept on driving, driving to the mountains that him and Clarke went to before school and watched the sunrise.

Bellamy didn’t want to think about what made that his destination. He parked the car in reverse, so the trunk of his car could be facing where the city is and the moonlight will shine upon. 

Gina was shaking with anticipation, and he stroked her thigh with his thumb to soothe her. Instead, it made her shiver. 

“I have some blankets in the back if you need one.” He offered.

She turned to him, a twinkle in her eye, and she nodded. They both got out of his car, and she stood and watched as he flattened the back seats so he could lay out the blankets he brought comfortably for them to lay down on. They didn’t have any light on, they only had the moonlight.

Bellamy turned to Gina, who was standing behind him. He realized how beautiful she was.

For so long, he would think Clarke was the only beautiful person in the world, just thought everybody compared to her was pretty. But looking at Gina right then, Bellamy thought she was beautiful.

“Come here.” He whispered softly. She went into his arms, and leaned forward to kiss him, her hands going into his hair.

They somehow ended up laying down atop the blankets, lips still attached to the other. Gina took his shirt off, and then Bellamy pulled the straps of her dress down and realized she wasn’t wearing a bra.

He pulled back, gasping in both shock and desire.

“I want to tell you that—” He was out of breath, and she was too. “I want to tell you I never did this with anyone before.”

Gina’s eyes darkened at his words but her eyes were soft. “Me too.” 

His heart stuttered. His first would also be hers, but it didn’t feel right to him. 

(His first should’ve been  _ hers _ .)

Bellamy shook his head at the thought, not wanting to think of his best friend with bright blue eyes and blonde hair when he was with Gina. Gina with dark curly hair and dark eyes, eyes that were only looking at him and no one else. Bellamy pulled the condom out of his jean pocket, and he looked at her.

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asked gently, not wanting to force her to do something she didn’t want to do.

Gina nodded. 

“More than anything.”

He swallowed and leaned down to kiss her passionately once more, pulling her dress down her body following with kisses against every skin that was being revealed.

Bellamy closed his eyes, could sort of imagined the sighs and moans she was making were coming from someone else’s mouth and that the skin he was kissing was someone else’s skin.

(That probably wasn’t right of him to think about, but then again, whenever it came to Clarke, his morals always went straight out the window.)

\--

The drive back to Gina’s was silent. It wasn’t uncomfortable though, he was holding her hand and he could tell she was smiling.

Bellamy was smiling too, but it didn’t feel right on him. He felt like he broke something that night.

He walked her to her door, her flowers in hand and the empty box of chocolates in the other. 

Gina turned to him, the smile had yet to leave her face. 

“I had a wonderful night with you.” Bellamy said, a bit awkwardly but she chuckled at that.

“Better than good?” Gina teased, making him recall him saying that after their first kiss.

He laughed, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah, I deserved that.”

She giggled. “It’s okay, I had only had a  _ good _ night with you.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

He put his head on his chest jokingly. “You wound me, Gina Martin.”

Gina couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m joking, it was wonderful.” She took a step down from her porch to place a kiss on his lips before turning to open her front door. “Thank you, Bellamy. For making my first special. I’m so happy it was you.”

Bellamy’s eyes softened. “Thank you, Gina. Always.”

She continued to stare at him, a look in her eyes so full of adoration and possibly something else he didn’t want to name, and stepped into her house, shutting the door behind her.

He drove back home after midnight, and was surprised to see Clarke’s light in her room still on.

By the time he parked his car and got out of the car, Bellamy noticed Clarke turned her light off.

He was too tired to try to think about the reason behind it. Bellamy unlocked his front door and stepped inside to take his shoes off. He pulled out his phone to see Gina’s texts to him.

_ I had such a wonderful night. Thank you xx _

_ btw i have so many hickies now. How am i going to hide these from my parents!!! I don’t own concealer _

_ Guess i have to be one of those girls who needs to wear turtlenecks huh? _

_ Text me once you get home xx _

He smiled and typed out a message.

_ I’m home now. Sorry about the hickies _

_ No you’re not! _

_ Yeah I’m not <3 _

_ <3 _

Bellamy went to sleep that night, with a smile on his face, and for the first time, no thoughts of Clarke plaguing his mind. Just thoughts of Gina.

* * *

It was near the end of his junior year and Clarke’s freshman year. Clarke was starting to make new friends, well they were his friends, but she started to talk to them more. Her and Wells were only able to talk to each other during phone calls or even during Skype, but he didn’t have much time to visit.

But one day, Harper was throwing a small party at her place because her parents were gone for the weekend. Coincidentally, this was one of the weekends Wells was able to visit so Bellamy and Clarke obviously invited him to go to Harper’s party, see how the kids that don’t wear uniforms have fun.

Bellamy and Wells were the only ones not drinking or smoking, Bellamy being the designated driver and Wells just wasn’t into that kind of thing. 

They were surrounded in a circle on the floor of Harper’s living, his friends, Gina, Clarke, Finn, and Wells. Some people were on the couches, or on a chair, or doing what Jasper was doing and sitting criss-crossed on the coffee table. 

They were all asking stupid questions, like what underwear they were wearing or if they ever saw Diyoza’s leaked sex tape, and if it was real or not. Then Harper decided to become existential and asked a question that was… hard to answer.

“Guys, what do you think love is like?” Harper was high off her mind, her eyes drooping and leaning on Monty’s shoulder. “Like I know we’re kids and we’re stupid and we think we know what love is, but let’s be real, we don’t know what love is. Like yeah, I’m dating Monty, but we don’t know if that’ll last. Sorry, babe.” She turned to apologize to him who just laughed.

“No offense taken.” Monty took another sip of his cup of moonshine, the latest version him and Jasper made. 

“But seriously, what do you guys think love is?” Harper asked again, whining.

“I think love is bullshit.” Murphy said and Harper glared at him.

“Shut up, Murphy! Who even invited you here?”

“Uh,  _ you _ did.” Murphy made a confused face, taking another hit from his blunt.

Harper decided to ignore his response and looked at everyone else in the room.

“My parents are really in love, so I like to think love is something like theirs. Nice and peaceful. Easy.” Jasper said, nodding to himself vigorously. 

Gina hummed in agreement. “Me too, I think that too.” She nudged Bellamy’s shoulder, smiling at him and he smiled back weakly. 

Bellamy swallowed, he didn’t like to think about the concept of love. He felt attraction and devotion, but he was too afraid to think about love, especially not after everything his mom put him through.

(Bellamy loved with his whole heart, he was aware of that, but he always was afraid no one would ever love him in return.)

Clarke spoke up, breaking the next few moments of silence since everybody was too deep in thought about love. “I don’t think love is easy. If love is easy, then everybody would have met their soulmate by now, gotten married, and maybe have 2 and a half kids already.” She started, Finn was nodding along, but Bellamy could tell Finn was too high to comprehend her words. Finn’s arm was around Clarke’s shoulders, and Bellamy scowled, wishing he had a drink in hand.

Wells chuckled at Bellamy’s face, shaking his head. Bellamy blushed, not expecting anyone to notice him. Wells just shook his head, taking a sip of his coke.

“I think love is something that is something you just  _ know _ . Like it’s something that you feel completely, and you feel it with your whole body. You can’t remember the exact moment when you felt that way for a person, but you don’t remember a time without feeling that way. It’s all you know.” Clarke’s voice sounded raw to him, or maybe it was just him, feeling raw and exposed by the truth in her words.

Bellamy was staring at Clarke, not seeing anyone else except her. It looked like she was staring at nothing, like she didn’t want to face something.

“You want to have this person in your life, forever, no matter how it’s like. You love them enough to not ask for anything of them, and know that you want to share your life with them. You want to grow together, and don’t want to be without them because they’re the best thing to ever happen to you. It doesn’t matter what time or place it is, or even who they are with. You just truly, completely, honestly love them.” Clarke finished. Everybody was silent, not knowing how to respond to that before Jasper bursted out laughing.

“Man, Clarke, you’re fucking gone.” He continued to cackle, his whole body shaking with laughs.

Clarke was shaking nervously, her face pink. Bellamy continued to stare at her, his face void of any humor. Just shock. And his heart racing in his chest with a feeling he could not explain. 

Longing. Real, true, painful longing. 

Clarke must’ve noticed his eyes on her, and she turned to him. She swallowed, and licked her lips, her eyes not breaking away from his. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking or what she was feeling, but he was sure her face was reflecting his. 

He didn’t even realize Gina was looking at him stare at Clarke, and Wells was looking between them two, and Finn wasn’t even looking at anything, probably doing something stupid.

But all Bellamy could see, all he could  _ feel _ , was her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bellarke: ok so since we are not physically cheating lets TOE the line of physical cheating by exchanging long looks of yearning and ignore our significant others for the other <3
> 
> me: ok how can i use red thread of fate in this fic bc SOULMATES <3
> 
> btw... the next chapter is the beginning of all the angst. then it'll be angst. for a very long time. we are SLOWWWW BURNINGGGGGGGGGG 
> 
> im on tumblr as elliotaldersns if anyone needs me . yes idk how HTML works my tumblr coding days are long gone

**Author's Note:**

> *mr brightside starts playing* IT WAS ONLY A KISS IT WAS ONLY A KISS
> 
> i think the next chapter will be posted either the end of this week or next week! i literally wrote this all in one week so i probably could get it up by then


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